Tuesday, November 15, 2011

11 Worst Lyrics In Music History

This is part 1, for part 2, click here!

Sexy Bitch - David Guetta Featuring Akon

"Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe,
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful.
The way that booty movin' I can't take anymore...Damn, yous a sexy bitch"

Well considering the fact that as a rapper your only fucking job in life is to find words and then fucking use them I find it inexcusable that you can't find words to describe a girl respectfully. Asshole.

Who needs words, anyways? Not Akon.

Firework - Katy Perry

"Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag?"

No, I fucking don't.

Who actually ever feels like this?

Invisible - Clay Aiken

"If I was invisible, I could just watch you in your room." 

The interesting thing here is that it may be physically impossible to turn invisible but it is certainly not metaphorically impossible; and Clay Aiken is by any pop culture comparison, completely invisible. After releasing this really, really creepy song he swiftly sank back into the realm of irrelevancy from which he came. I couldn't really say with any real certainty what a man like Mr. Aiken is up to these days but I'm an asshole so I'll speculate. He is most likely outside a young girls bedroom window right this very moment filming one of those weird voyeur videos that litter the internet. On days when he isn't committing felonies he reads to children at the local library to keep up his share of arbitrary and self-important public appearances.

Nothing funny to say here; if you see this man around children please call 911 immediately.

Balla Baby - Chingy

"I like them black, white, Puerto Rican or Haitian. 
Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian." 

Japanese, Chinese or even Asian...[insert joke here]. I don't think I need to elaborate on why this is on the list.

 Not pictured: dignity.

Two Words - Kanye West

"I live by two words; Fuck you, pay me!"

Who needs math?

Who's the gay fish?                                                              

A Milli - Lil Wayne

"I'm a venereal disease, like a menstrual I bleed."

Here we have Lil Wayne demonstrating not only his excellent rhyming skills, but also his understanding of how to represent himself in the most hardcore, gangsta-esque style possible -- by equating himself to bleeding, diseased vagina's. Now that is something you do not want to mess with.

I see the resemblance now.

Tik Tok - Kesha

"And now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagger,
but we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger." 

Dear world: 'Swagger' is an ostentatious display of conceit and arrogance. If you still do not understand why swagger is not a good thing to have, having read the definition, then you are already lost, may the universe have mercy on your soul. Secondly, if looking like Mick Jagger is all it takes to hang out with Kesha then she should reconsider her standards - Mick Jagger looks like a poster boy for the 'Faces of Meth' campaign....

 "Anybody wanna smoke some crystal?"

Grenade - Bruno Mars

"I'd catch a grenade for ya, 
throw my hand on a blade for ya,
I'd jump in front of a train for ya."

Me, the listener, is left to presume that Bruno Mars' love story is taking place in some kind of fucking war-zone where civilians are clearly in constant and life-threatening danger. And if that is not the case then why does Bruno have to go to such extreme lengths to get a date with this girl? Is she that much of a sadist? That is a serious Charles Manson-esque kind of love affair going on. I think this song may actually be a cry for help, perhaps we should put Bruno Mars on suicide watch due to the over whelming amount of self-injurious behaviours this man has.

"I'm the shitty, pop music equivalent of Jack Johnson" - Bruno Mars 

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It - Will Smith

"Ciga-cigar straight from Cuba-Cuba,
I just bite it, it's for the look I don't light it." 

It's illegal to have Cuban Cigars in America, Will. If you were trying to set a good example for the kids by not smoking you've failed miserably because smuggling illegal commodities into the United States is a felony offence -- just a tidbit worse than the odd puff off a cigar. The Smith family have made some of the worst main stream music ever created, which, considering who they have to compete with, is actually really saying something.

Reaction shot to watching Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair" music video.

Rhythm is a Dancer - Snap!

"I'm as serious as cancer when I say that Rhythm is a dancer." 

This song topped the charts all over North America and the UK in the early 90's and even just writing about it gives me shivers because it plays over and over in my head. I really can't stress enough how dumb that line is and how terrible the song itself is. I'm serious guys, serious as cancer.

Why so serious, Snap?                                                   

Elevation - U2

"I've got no self-control, been living like a Mole now.
Going down excavation, high and high in the sky.
You make me feel like I can fly, so high, elevation." 

The amount of hatred I have for this over-rated and untalented group of hacks is paralleled only by my love for the Youtube video where someone recorded the noises turtles make when fucking. The big reason I hate U2 is this: Bono cuts his charity proceeds completely when not promoting an album. Example: U2's 'How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb' was gearing up to bomb on it's release until Bono made a plea for help for the oppressed and the poor. He started vouching money to 'UNICEF' and 'Make Poverty History' through his own campaign, aptly titled 'ONE Campaign'. I say that it is aptly titled 'ONE Campaign' because only ONE hundred thousand pounds out of the pledged 5.1 million pounds was ever forwarded to the causes he was taking pledges for. Where did the rest of it go? No one knows exactly, but if I had to guess, I'd say it went directly into developing the real-life version of Cyclops' Ruby glasses -- but we'll never know for sure.

However, it is public knowledge that Bono claimed his bullshit charity scams on his taxes (because multi-millionaires need those tax breaks!) because an article by Christian Aid was released in 2008 citing what a massive prick Bono is (look at that, the Christian's did something to benefit society). So, Bono pretends to care about people in need and wham-o, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb skyrockets to Number 1 on the charts and went on to sell over 9 million albums. Incidentally after the tour, the tiny bit of funding he did pass onto the charities was completely cut off. I'm sure we will see more charity work from Bono the next time U2 fucks us in our ears with their watered down version of 'new rock' that will surely dominate the radio waves; immediately preceded by some ass-hat DJ jerking off the humanitarian fa├žade Bono keeps. As far as the lyrics mentioned above: 'got no self control, living like a mole': this is my favourite ever example of a piece of shit lyric -- the kind in which totally extraneous information is thrown together to keep the rhythm of the song. The kind that literally requires no talent to write. On par with the likes of 'Come Together' by The Beatles and every song where Fergie shows off her spelling skills.

"When I'm alone I pretend I'm Cyclops."

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  1. i thought it was so funny. I laughed all through it. wish you had more!!!!!

  2. You are right about U2 a bunch of overrated musician. Th Edge is probably the worst guitar player of any major band.