5 Reasons You're a Douche

1) You're a sports dick. What's a sports dick? Someone who associates themselves with a team they watch on television, despite never playing for said team, knowing nobody personally on said team, and who will get raised blood pressure when said sports team loses. Nothing says "I have deeply repressed childhood issues" quite like getting your back up when someone cheers for a team you dislike. Football, Hockey, Soccer, Basketball or even Curling are all fair game in this country to actually get angry when the team you're cheering for on TV loses. Not only do you appear to have the maturity of an 11-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, but you're also telling me that you are incapable of rational thought. Namely, when you say rude comments about someone based on their chosen sports team. Can't relate? Think of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You either love them, or you hate them and everyone else who loves them. What about the hockey riots when Vancouver lost in the finals? So, not only are people taking sports too seriously these days, but they're actually so deeply disillusioned about the role that sports entertainment plays in society that they feel the need to go out and harm other people and their livelihood all based on what? Yeah, the outcome of a sports game.

"Um, it's called the 'Stanley Cup', Google it."

Those are pretty intense examples. But even on a smaller level, how many times have you experienced anger among friends because of rivalry's based off of sports teams? How important, in the grand scheme of life, is it for the team you're watching on television to win? On a scale of 'one' to 'you're a sports dick', if you answered any higher than 1, you're a sports dick. This also applies to people who play sports. Relax. Just for a minute. Just take off your kleets, or your helmet, sit down, and remember that in real life nobody cares if your high school sports career didn't flourish. The amount of people who are put in bad moods and take it out on other people, namely, their significant others after their sports team loses is astronomical. This is both a personal observation and a fact. Did you know the highest reported cases of domestic violence out of any day of the year are on Superbowl Sunday? Statistically speaking this is an on-going trend, for at least the last five years. Personally, I enjoy a lot of sports, and admittedly it does feel nice to win when I am actually playing the sport  (which, by the way, football is better than hockey and you're a freedom-hating Nazi enthusiast if you disagree). But if winning ever trumps human politesse then you're a sports dick. Besides, these sports douches are probably getting their backs up simply because their own career in sports didn't take off - because they probably sucked.

Ever been to an arena to watch a hockey game and there are always those parents who scream at their children? "COME ON, GET THE PUCK GOD DAMN IT!" Yeah...those people. They are sports dicks, not to mention terrible parents. If you ever do anything aside from support your children's attempts at sports then you are going to instill those same failed moral concepts in your children so that they grow up and become the irritating sports dicks I'm writing about. You don't need to be a sports dick because the outcome of sports means nothing in regards to real life. And you especially don't need to chirp your own child for not being the next Wayne Gretzky. Want to know who the next Wayne Gretzky is? No-fucking-body. Your kid won't even ever be paid for playing sports, statistically speaking you have a better chance of a vending machine falling on you and thus causing your untimely (and hilarious) death than you do of making it to a Major League team in your chosen sport. So sports douches, relax, slap some more ass in the showers if that's what calms you down. And parents, don't yell at your kids because they kind of suck at what they're doing, they're just kids - let them have fun.

"WAY TO PLAY SOCCER YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

2) "I'm a dick to girls so they like me." You hold the belief that "being a dick" is what women want. This one isn't just for men though, women should pay close attention. Firstly, being a dick to someone, regardless of what you think they want, is fucking stupid. If you enjoy being a douche to someone then it's likely that no one actually enjoys your company anyways - we just don't yet know the best way to get rid of you in our group of friends. Next, what lady enjoys being treated like dirt? Has that ever worked?

Sure, we've all been unjustifiably rude to our significant others at some point but most of us get it out of our systems in High School when we don't know what the fuck we're supposed to be doing in a relationship in the first place; but some people never learn. Want to know what happens when you grow up and consistently treat a girl like dirt? She starts to think she deserves it. Then you break-up with her for one selfish reason or another and it reinforces that feeling, driving her down even further. Women are funny like that, they have these finicky things called 'feelings'. The most pathetic thing is that you did it all because at some point some other dickhead told you (probably while you two were watching your shitty sports team lose) the brilliant advice that to 'make chicks want you, you've gotta be a dick'. Men seem to confuse being desirable with giving verbal abuse way too much, and way too easily. Let me break it down for you if you're not catching my point: coming off as someone the girl likes being around so much that she develops feelings for and wants in her life = good, on the other hand; saying rude things to a girl who has a crush on you and wants to believe that you two can work so badly she'll subject herself to your bullshit = bad. In an attempt to be unbiased I have some friendly advice for ladies - get a fucking backbone. Maybe, just maybe, at that point, guys will stop thinking there is one universal way to get girls and simultaneously I'll have to stop dealing with all women assuming that all men are assholes.

"I only hit her so she'd like me!" - Chris brown

3) "I post my personal issues to Facebook." You know you do. You had a fight with your significant other because you thought Josh Krajcik had a performance that was worthy of staying on the X Factor and they felt Astro was a more appropriate choice. So you got upset, didn't quite understand how to 'communicate' your inner 'feelings' and you turned to the only source of comfort your inner teenage-self fully knew would always be there. No, not your 'parents', or your 'friends', or even your 'journal', I'm referring to your social media website. 'The Facebook'. That all-knowing, non-judgmental 'one stop shop' for all your immature needs. It can tell you what your friends are doing (not quite as well as a phone call would, incidentally), show you pictures from your 'awesome' weekend (trust me, the more pictures from your weekend, the worse it was), and it can even be a crutch of support when you need (replace need with 'want') to write things like "OMFG! I can't believe he/she isn't exactly like me! My life is over, kill me! FML!" Now that I write this down and think about it I realize that maybe it's a good thing Facebook exists - otherwise people who write shit like that might actually kill themselves. 

The blue represents my inner sadness.

4) You're a hipster dickhead, the lowest form of douche's. "I take pride in the music I listen to." Wait, you what? You mean you put personal stock into the one thing that you had nothing to do with? The music that someone else created? Awesome, that's like me getting mad because you bought an Xbox instead of a Playstation. Or, more accurately in a pop culture sense, that would be like me getting mad because you're "Team Jacob" instead of "Team Edward". (Side note: I just vomited on my naked, drunk body while writing that Twilight bullshit, even in this context.) We all have that friend, if you don't quite know what I'm talking about then think a little harder. You were recently at school/work with said friend, you had just come across a really awesome song you'd never heard before, by a band with a seemingly strange name. You decided to share with this friend your recent elation at discovering such an awesome musical find, but no sooner than sharing your new find your friend said something along the lines of "yeah, I knew about that song a few months ago, before it was on iTunes". 

Oh, well sorrrrryyyy Captain Fucking Hipster, I wasn't aware you had a patent placed on enjoying music. How dare I let music into my ears so as to let it slightly affect my mood for the better, before walking in this morning just for your horn-rimmed glasses wearing self to shit all over my parade. I bet you also knew of earthquakes while they were still an underground movement, right? If you were a psychic I bet you'd claim to have known of music The Black Key's were thinking of writing before it was even written. I bet your ice was water before it was cool? How many of you and your hipster friends did it take to change that light bulb? What? The light bulb was cooler before it changed? (No, I'm not done. Brace yourselves.) I would ask who the hipster leader is, but you've probably never heard of him. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy the soundtrack. Hipsters eat their pizza before it's cool. Let me guess, you wouldn't normally wear an expensive T-shirt, but it's ironic? I bet instead of paying hidden fees you explore hidden emotions? I would love to keep going, but jokes are just becoming way too mainstream. Seriously though, stop thinking you're better than your friends because you spent so much time on the internet that at the age of 25 you can literally name every amateur musician with a record label. That doesn't mean you're special, it means you have no life.

"I like dog whistles, you've probably never heard them before"

5) You're incapable of having important face-to-face conversations, you're a digital communication douche. You've broken up, hooked up, made plans to get fucked up, all via Facebook and text messages. Not a single phone call, let alone a person-to-person meeting, was ever made. You spent your entire day with someone, pretending things were going well, just to call or text message them that night/the next day and break up with them because you were too cowardly to have that conversation in person. No, this isn't me venting, I've been lucky enough to never experience such a thing. No, this isn't exclusive to males or females, we're all equal on this one. Most of us got it out of our systems in grade 7 when MSN and ICQ were both common means of digital communication; but some of us, the people this one applies to specifically, continue to do it to this day. The reason it's worse nowadays is because A) relationships actually matter once you're an adult, B) plans should never be made solely via text messages, and C) you're a sad, sad person if you've let digital communication ruin your communication skills. So be an adult, and talk to someone in person about at least one out of every five important thoughts you have. Trust me, you'll be a better person for it. You can have the best education in the world but if you can't give a solid, person-friendly interview, you'll end up being the smartest bum on the street.

You don't want to be this guy