These Pictures Are Not Worth 1000 Words

It's been a few days without a post because I haven't written anything in almost a week due to the fact that I have been afflicted with food poisoning. So when I haven't been making love to my toilet, I've been aimlessly browsing the interwebs trying to take my mind off of the agonizing pain I've been in. Turns out, there are lots of self-absorbed, ungrateful, angst-filled douche bags posting thousands of artsy, lame pictures on their websites. These people that have lives so easy, so uneventful that they make up issues and develop warped perspectives of how the real world works and what constitutes a real life problem. If your biggest problem in your life is that you can't figure out if the person you like, likes you back, you are who I am talking about. So, here are some of the pictures I've come across in my recent travels across the internet.

Some pictures may be worth a thousand words but I bet I can sum these up in a short few sentences.

Yep, you're a real hero! Your idea of charity is to feed the meter for someone who is wealthy enough to afford a vehicle, in a first world nation, that has parking meters? Good call, the poor don't need your charity, they don't even have cars! Your Noble Prize is in the mail.

Everything? Really? Doesn't that seem like a bit of a cop-out that only a dull-witted person would fall for? As well, do you really like everything about this person? Do you like the way their breath smells like rotting carcass in the morning after a night of drinking and smoking? Do you like the way they go pee? No, so stop being a fucking dick and write the real god damn list already. People like this are killing romance with lazy, pseudo-poetic gestures.

Now, I understand that losing weight could very well be a good thing, typically leading to a healthier lifestyle. I also think it's a bit strange you want your brother-in-law to find you attractive, but whatever floats your boat. I can even look past the fact that you're obviously a dirty, conniving whore. What I will not forgive, however, is that you took the time to make this shitty postcard-like picture and then post it on the internet and not once did you realize that you wrote 'loosing' instead of 'losing'. You obviously used a computer at one point or another to get this on the internet, You know that the red squiggly line under the word doesn't mean the computer thinks you're an awesome fucking artist? It means even a non-thinking, non-human object understands that you are a fucking idiot for not spelling the world 'losing' properly on a final draft.

The stupid caption with the faded urban skyline just screams 'art'. If you don't like it there then either go somewhere else, or stop bitching. In the time it took you to find this picture, caption it with your terrible angst-filled quote and then upload it to the internet; you could have instead written a "pros vs cons" list of reasons for being where you are. That way, we would not have to be subjected to your made up fucking problems that you so vaguely alluded to. Why don't you belong there, exactly? It's a massive city after all, surely even a hipster douche bag such as whoever posted this could easily have found other Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, mainstream music hating dickheads.

What? Isn't this an obvious thing? Why would you want the bed to yourself if you could share it with someone you love? You my friend, are lame, even when trying to be romantic. My advice is for you to hold on to whomever is actually dumb enough to share your bed with you. Hold on tight, because it appears you won't find anyone else quite as dense as this person.

LOL this kid's in love with the Milky Way Galaxy - what a fuck. Why don't you find a partner the real way - by playing World of Warcraft like the rest of your generation does.

And then you ate a banana. What you lost in friendship you made up for with your healthy, daily intake of potassium. All is not lost!

Imagine the type of human being this is? Exactly the type of person I wish to have as my best friend. Seriously if you know anyone like this I think it'd be a fucking riot to get shit-faced with them.

Untrue. Your parents have taken several photographs of you, their disappointing, Art School drop-out child,  and I'm sure they'd like to forget all about you.

By the sounds of it, perhaps the bride with only one friend should have been the one killing herself. Just saying.

Well now that you've posted this picture with only your eyes blocked out, the entire world has seen what you didn't even want your boyfriend's best friend to see. There's some solid logic! Nice tits, by the way.

Secret # 2: Everyone else also hates who you are. If you're self-absorbed enough to write that on your hand, take a picture, post it on your own Tumblr page, and then expect sympathy from everyone who views it then I don't feel bad hating you. Neither should anyone else.

My God, I swore I found the next Banksy when I first viewed this. Time doesn't exist? Oh, really Mr. Ambiguous? So, days don't either? Months, years? Calenders? They're are all for nothing? Does that mean that Earth doesn't rotate around the sun? Let me guess, seasons don't exist either? This is my favourite type of observation, the kind where two seemingly related things are compared in an attempt to draw a correlation, despite said correlation not actually existing. So, without bastardizing how the universe works too badly, let me just say that clocks are a tool to measure time, something that exists whether we measure it or not, just like a kids ruler that measures how small your dick is. Just because it's easily sized up and arbitrary to the grand scheme of life, doesn't mean it's not there! Just like time.

Umm no, actually it is not. You are fucking stupid. What makes you especially stupid is that you probably only believe this because Harvey Dent delivered this line during a speech in the film 'The Dark Knight'. The night is actually darkest when the sun is 180 degrees away from the point you are currently located on Earth. In other words, the night is at it's darkest at exactly the middle point between sunset and sunrise. Before Christopher Nolan made this line famous in the most kick-ass fucking movie of all time, this was a quote from Sojourner Truth (Isabella Baumfree) and even though she was a brilliant abolitionist and women's rights activist, before such a thing even existed (living from 1797-1883), she was not so good as an Astronomer.

I don't know what kind of shallow, internet-based, first world life you've lived but I am quite certain that my last mortal thought will be "Why didn't those two girls just get another cup?"

I am sure I could make several jokes about this but instead I shall refer you to this 3 second video that sums up everything I think when I view this picture.

Save up some money, get a prostitute. Problem solved.

There is actually no problem with this picture and despite the fact that you are reading a blog and this is counter-productive to my own viewership, I agree with this with all my heart. No E-Reader, Laptop, Tablet or iPad will ever live up to the true writers craft involved in writing a book and then sharing that book with the rest of the world. We must be careful that we don't let ourselves become disconnected from the outside world as we connect more often to the communication technologies that are becoming more readily available each day. We are taking any form of relaxation we know of, such as reading a book (the kind with paper), and replacing it via whatever means possible to make things easier, cheaper and less intelligible. I am not saying that the internet isn't a wonderful tool, but just like any other tool us humans use, it must be put down from time to time.




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