Facebook Status Translator

This is a list of my take on fairly common Facebook statuses and what I think they're actually saying. Enjoy.


Status: Awe i hav teh best gurlfrand in tha world, no1 as gud as mah baby. LuV yOu GuRlllll <3<3,3

Translation: I have an insecure, unstable relationship. We just got through another rough patch caused by another shallow, trivial fight and are now 'back in love', hence this over-display of internet affection. Also, I am completely fucking illiterate.



Status: I am so sick of all of this drama! OMG!

Translation: I secretly love the drama and will work to perpetuate it by passive-aggressively posting stabs at my ex-girl/boyfriends.



Status: GETTIN MY SWAG ON TONIGHT BITCHES! YALL AINT TEAR IT UP LIKE ME AND MY BOIIIIZZZ. BRAP!

Translation: I should be castrated so as to never reproduce my shitty genes on this planet. The fact that I have made it to the legal drinking age alive defies the theory of Evolution. I also capitalize every letter in my status because I want to appear super intense, except that I'm not because I made this status from my moms basement and now I'm going to go help her fold the laundry before I go out tonight with my allowance money.



Status: "Insert quote from famous historian/author/important figure."

Translation: I get 60's in school because I'm too busy watching Jersey Shore but I want to appear smart so I copy and paste out of context quotations from people much more insightful than I'll ever be. Just so that I can appear intelligent on Facebook, despite the fact that I only personally talk to 4 out of my 642 friends.



Status: -Insert copy and pasted status here-

Translation: Despite everyone having seen this one hundred times already, I think I better re-post it because only then will people truly understand how uninformed we all are. I actually believe Christmas is being taken away and if anybody ever asked me what I feel about a social/political issue I would repeat word for word what my last copied and pasted status said.



Status: FML! I have the hardest life ever! I can't believe -insert irrelevant issue here- just happened!

Translation: Somebody give me some fucking attention already!



Status: Watching TV and eating a delicious home cooked meal! Life is soooo good <3

Translation: You care about my television and dietary habits so I am sharing them with you. My life isn't actually soooo good, it's pretty average and I'm bored. Hopefully someone texts me :(



Status: Wal herr it iz ladys and gents just lik alway i tell teh truths bettur then any1. thatz it bitchs jus fuk urselfs al of u;s.

Translation: I shouldn't be allowed to use Facebook while drunk because deep down I am an illiterate asshole who needs validation in regards to how shitty my life is currently.



Status: SOOOO WASTEDDDDDDDDDDDDD! OMG!

Translation: I've only had two shots of vodka. By the end of the night I will hook up with anyone with two legs and a pulse and then claim I don't remember any of it.



Status: I hate boys/girls. They all suck!

Translation: I will marry the first person who tells me that they love me.



Status: I like it up the bum and watch child porn.

Translation: This persons Facebook was left open and now their friends are trolling their status. If you comment on a status like this and actually believe it in anyway, shape or form then I would kindly, and with the utmost respect, ask you to please abort yourself.



Status: I'm so proud of my sweet little boy/girl for getting an A+ on their sandbox playing assignment today in Kindergarten.

Translation: My kid is so much better than your kid in every way imaginable. Your kid is a piece of shit and mine is the beez-fucking-kneez. I am proud of my child everyday just because they're alive, so you get to hear about it because I have nothing else to do, like call a friend rather than posting on Facebook.



Status: Let's all worship Jesus and pray together to fix the worlds problems! :) :)

Translation: I couldn't actually name five world problems because my parents have sheltered me throughout my entire life thus far. Hopefully someone tries to debate me on my status so I can use what I learned at Bible study last week to lay the divine smack-down on their heathen ass.



Status: What a SICK weekend, yo! That shit was off the handle!

Translation: Hey Facebook friends, be prepared for 197 new photos in a new album on Facebook titled after the current number one musical hit that in no way accurately describes the photos. Said photos will be mostly blurred, taken at awful angles, or will be of my friends and I sitting on the toilet peeing at a nightclub. Despite my pictures being lame and the obvious fact that my night must have been uninteresting if I had time to snap 197 pictures in a short 4 hour span, I still fully believe I lead the life of a total rockstar.



Status: -Insert sappy or ubiquitous song lyrics here-

Translation: This song represents my mood perfectly right now. I don't care that it represents 400,000,000 other people's moods and they've already posted these lyrics, it means something to me. Also, I am incapable of forming my own words to describe how I feel because I have less creative ability than Prostate Cancer.


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