Sunday, December 4, 2011

My Christmas Wish-list!

This is a list of things I want for Christmas. I want them all. Here's lookin' at you, Santa.



This is a pair of chopsticks that are made to resemble Lightsabers from Star Wars. I could only imagine how bad-ass I would feel eating at home each night with a pair of these. It would also encourage me to eat less pizza, so it's important I get these. It's a matter of personal health and well-being, really. Let's be honest, I could totally find a way to eat pizza with these.




This is a 'Relaxation' capsule. It uses 'ion fields' to relax your body. It comes complete with comfortable cushions, a top-opening door and a $40,000 price tag. Who doesn't want a forty-thousand dollar egg-shaped box in their living room? I know I do!




This is a bottle opener shaped like a crow bar. It is also the exact same size as a full-sized crow bar. I could just imagine how pimp-daddy I would look at a party walking around with a fake crow bar designed only to open my beers. This is the most practical thing on this list, by the way. (I didn't realize Bud Light needed bottle openers?)




These are just like they appear, bandages designed after Bacon! It also comes with a free toy inside to ensure you get the most bang for your buck. These would be perfect for those drunken times where I trip up my stairs and split my chin open because my inebriated body forgets to use my hands to break my fall.



This bouncy castle only costs $2190.00! I see no reason why I can't have it. Although I live in an apartment and don't have a backyard... So I will also need a reliable, trust-worthy person to store it in their backyard. This person must clean it, keep it inflated, and be okay with my friends and I showing up whenever we feel like bouncing on it, and possibly puking all over it. (We would likely only show up after a long evening of binge-drinking, hence the puking part.)





These are "Toe-alignment Socks". Perfect for my ugly, Hobbit-like feet. I think the whole world would be better off with a good pair of toe-alignment socks. They're perfect for cold Canadian winters as well because they do absolutely-fucking-nothing to prevent frost bite! I don't care though, I've always held the belief that my relationships end because of my girlfriends finding out about my heinously un-aligned toes, so this is really just a matter of helping me to eventually find love. (Searching for love at the bottom of ice cream containers is getting old.)




This is a piece of inflatable toast, because... well, why the fuck not?






This is a TV Remote Control shaped like a magic wand from Harry Potter. I would literally Jizz in my Pants every time I got to magically change the channel on my TV if this was my Remote. I want this so badly I would literally punch a helpless child right in the face just to steal it from them. (Also, if you don't like Harry Potter then you can go S a huge D.)




This is a three-thousand dollar all-steel replica of Spider-man. Imagine the fun you could have with this thing? Just think of all the possibilities... Okay, there is really no fun to be had. But imagine how it would add to the sex appeal of my apartment? If living with my mom at 24-years-old doesn't make the girls want me, then spending a full months worth of pay cheques on a life-sized, steel replica of a comic book character surely will! Bring on the ladies!




This is a book that will teach me how to get white women. I am not typically into just pursuing one race of women, but after seeing this book I think I am convinced! I am also not Asian but I feel like this book will still definitely help me. I am so glad someone took the time to write a book that teaches Asian men how to get white women. I've read that there is even a chapter about penis enhancement medications, just because this book doesn't already reinforce enough prejudices and stereotyping with it's absurd title.




This is an 'endless' baking pan. It's also the greatest thing since pre-cut lines of cocaine. It let's everyone get that delicious corner piece of brownie. Definitely something I need in my life to be successful.






This is a high-quality pair of speaker cables that cost $8,450.00. Yeah, almost eight and a half thousand dollars. I've been told that if you use them you will actually hear God's voice coming through your speakers; they're that good. There is no reason someone can not buy me these, they're reasonably priced and do exactly the same job as any other set of cables, therefore I must have them.




This is a mind-bending wine holder. Although my alcoholism has escalated to the level where I never actually need a wine bottle holder because a bottle never lasts more than an hour in front of me I still feel I would get use out of this. Maybe if I just kept the actual wine bottle and filled it up with dye-coloured water after I was finished chugging it?




This is an 'underwater scooter' and I must have it so that I can pretend I am James Bond. I would also like some C4 plastic explosives so I can cruise around underwater and blow up terrorist's fishing vessels. It's a matter of national security that I get this for Christmas.






This is a human stomach. I want a different one because mine is fucking lame and can't handle the amount of spicy food I eat or red wine that I drink. I want a new one and I don't want to know the details of how you go about getting it.




This is Carlos the Luchador Pillow and he is the epitome of awesome. Going to bed would be an epic adventure every night with Carlos the Luchador Pillow to sleep with! No longer would I have to suffer long, sleepless nights spent alone with nothing but a bottle of hand lotion and self-pity to keep me company.




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