Friday, January 13, 2012

11 Worst Lyrics in Music History Part 2!

This is Part 2 (for part one, click here!) of my worst lyrics in music history list, 11 more of the worst lyrics in music history. Enjoy!

Thank You - Alanis Morissette

"How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up"

This is unmistakeably the worst opening line ever in pop music history. What does it even mean to be "full up"? Someone needs to teach Alanis some basic English grammar, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. This song was the first single off of her follow up album to the smash hit "Jagged Little Pill" but like her previous album; this one sucked. It also signalled the end of her career in music. And thankfully it did because once a musician starts singing about their everyday things like prescription medications and eating too much; it is time for them to retire (here's looking at you, Nickelback).

Oh, so that's what it means to be "full up"

Rock Star - Nickelback

"Well, we all just wanna be big rockstars,
and live in hilltop houses drivin' fifteen cars,
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap...
...hey, hey, I wanna be a rock star!"

We know you do, Chad, we know. But as a real rock star once gracefully wrote, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need." Chad Kroeger hasn't yet received what he needs because unfortunately they outlawed lobotomies several years ago. That being said, the trite dribble that Chad Kroeger passes off as "lyrics" may very well convince you that he has already had a lobotomy.

"Am I a rock star yet?"

Letting Go (Dutty Love) - Sean Kingston

"Don't be scared girl, call on me,
'Cause me, I want you for my eyes I'm a lover, you see,
And the way you ah wine and the way you are gwan,
They say the man I'ma try for rush they pray non-stop."

Sean Kingston wants your eyes, just like the vagina-faced monster from Jeepers Creepers. The best part of these lyrics must be Sean Kingston using Patois (the Jamaican slang of Creole) to appear as "Jamaican" to a North American audience. Sure he might have been born in Jamaica, but he embodies Jamaican culture about as well as religious bigots embody morality.

Sean Kingston's obesity is obvious proof that he grew up in the starving, impoverished slums of Jamaica.

Friday - Rebecca Black

"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday,
Today it is Friday, Friday,
We-we-we so excited,
We so excited, 
We gonna have a ball today!"

With lyrics like these she will be regarded as our generation's "Black Plague". Could you imagine if the bus had actually come? She would've had a fucking aneurysm trying to decide which seat to take. Making these Rebecca Black jokes is fun fun. I was in such a rush at 7am this morning eating my cereal and trying to be fresh that I was worried I wouldn't have time to write these jokes. Remember the creepy black man who raps in the music video? Did anybody stop to wonder why a grown man was on his way to a party with 14-year-old children? I know she's only 14, but that doesn't excuse her from ruining our favourite day of the week.

"I feel like the Rosa Parks of my generation, I just can't decide where to sit" - Rebecca Black

Your Song - Elton John

"If I was a sculptor, 
but then again, no."

Elton, it is not normal human behaviour to tell people things you don't want to be. If it's supposed to be a song for somebody else (Your Song), why are you talking about yourself? Sloppy form, Elton, sloppy form indeed.

In Elton's defence, he doesn't need lyrical genius because he is very photogenic.

Whenever, Wherever - Shakira

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
so you don't confuse them for mountains."

Has anybody ever confused breasts for mountains? Is this a legitimate thing that happens on such a regular basis that you needed to include it in a song, Shakira? To be fair, when listening to the song you can't actually make out a single-fucking-word so it really doesn't matter all that much.

Pictured above: Breasts

21 Questions - 50 Cent

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake."

I think I saw that on a Hallmark card once. At least if his career ever crashes and burns (I mean more than it already has) he can fall back on writing cheesy holiday cards.

50 Cent: Living proof that money can't buy you class (or a proper hat, evidently)

Necrophiliac - Slayer

"Relentless lust of rotting flesh,
to thrash the tomb she lies,
Heathen whore of Satan's wrath,
I spit at your demise"

While listening to this song earlier I thought to myself "heh, this reminds me of a poem I once wrote about an ex-girlfriend." My failed relationships aside, who else could listen to these lyrics and think "man, I can totally relate"? I just can't imagine there is much of a corpse-raping, spitting-on-heathen-whores audience out there...Seriously, I worry for your health if you look to Slayer's music for emotional support.

Slayer: writing romance songs since 1981

Ironic - Alanis Morissette

"It's like rain on your wedding day,
a free ride and you've already paid,
it's the good advice, that you just didn't take,
and who would've thought, it figures?"

Alanis is back, and this time, she's mad! Why is she mad? Well, wouldn't you be pissed if you wrote an entire song's lyrics trying to list ironic situations only to later realize that not a single fucking lyric in your song depicts irony? In fact, the only ironic part of this song is that it is called "Ironic" but fails to list a single instance of irony. Now there is some irony for you!

No picture has ever begged more for Photoshop's touch in the history of the Internet

A Horse With No Name - America

"The first thing I met, was a fly with a buzz.
And the sky with no clouds.
The heat was hot, and the ground was dry,
but the air was full of sound."

"The heat was hot"? How much heroin do you have to do before you start describing heat as being hot? For those who don't know, a 'horse with no name' is a slang term for heroin (also known as "horse"). This song isn't just about heroin, it's lyrics are powered solely by heroin.

America, wearing jackets because "the cold was cool" the day the photograph was taken.

Time (Clock of the Heart) - Culture Club

"Time is like a clock in my heart"

Time is like a clock? I wonder if maybe that is because time is measured by fucking clocks. 

This is Boy George, the front man(woman?) for Culture Club.  That joke writes itself.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment, or head on over to my twitter page (!/ChrispyPaul) to continue loling.