Monday, February 27, 2012

Canada vs America: The Showdown

Canada vs America: The Showdown

There's always been confusion among North Americans as to which country is better: Canada or America. It is time to settle this debate:

Culturally, America is better and bigger than Canada in almost every way; the way they live, the way they eat, the way they look. This can be seen by looking at a few basic comparisons:

America is home to: The best fast food chains, the best recreational drugs, the best economic crashes, the best fake reality television,  the best celebrity meltdowns, the greatest scandals, the best politicians, the richest people, and most definitely the best lawyers.

Canada is home to: The best poutine, the best snow storms, the best outdoor ice rinks, the most apologetic people, the best igloos, the best maple syrup, the best horse-mounted police force, and most definitely the best National Anthem.
USA is the clear winner for culture. Now for some statistical analysis:

America emits 5.7% more greenhouse gases per capita than Canada does. This is relevant to America's greatness because it shows that they have a strong industry, reflective of a never-failing economy.
Canada has 12% more non-religious people than America does. Since Religion is responsible for solving all of the world's problems, it is clear that America has less problems because it is more religious. So what if America has over 5 times more crime per capita than Canada; that just means there are five times more people that need to be saved by Jesus' love!
The USA has more livestock than Canada, so it is better equipped to feed it's people. This ensures that they are all very healthy and strong. This includes 6.5 times more cattle, 9.6 times more sheep and goats, and 24.6 times more mules and asses. In another statistic I've just made up, they also have 67.4 times more jackasses than Canada has.
America should be congratulated for having a 6% higher marriage rate than Canada. Marriage is important because it validates the love of two people. Without marriage, people cannot truly be in love. It also allows people to have sex, settle down, buy a house, go into debt, have children, and be unhappy; which is the definition of 'The American Dream'.
Canadians have 6.5% more foreign-born population, and nearly double the amount of migrants. How can Canada be united if they are all speaking different languages and embracing different spiritual belief systems? Not to mention, America would never bring in immigrants for cheap labour like Canada does! If America needs cheap labour they don't need to bring in immigrants; that's what outsourcing jobs to impoverished countries is for!
America's military is leaps and bounds ahead of Canada's. This can be seen by their increased patriotism, their massive military spending, and their overall abundance of military power:

America is famous for "supporting their troops". Their politicians say it, their songs proclaim it, their gap-toothed citizens yell it out every chance they get. America loves to talk about war. Since America likes to keep its citizens educated and informed, they rely on the best, smartest, most unbiased and balanced news station to report their news -- the one and only, FOX NEWS.
Canada is divided on the issue of military force but American's stand united behind their military. That's why the poorest in America make up the largest percentage of military enlistments; then the richest tell the poorest which countries to invade -- teamwork, fuck yeah! It's a beautiful relationship in which both parties benefit: the rich get whatever they want (as per usual) and in exchange the poor get to meet Jesus first.
Since America always supports their troops, veterans in America are better supported than they are in Canada. Example: Only 67,000 American war veterans are homeless! That means that despite veterans only making up 8% of the USA's total population, they are still 1/4 of the total homeless population in all of America. Hey, 1 out of 4 is pretty good!
Canada may have a higher paid, more adaptable military force than America has; but who does Canada ever go to war with? That's right, no one! Except for all those times they were at war before America like in WWI, WWII and the Korean War, but let's not discuss that right now. If you don't bomb a place that the majority of your population can't even find on a map at least twice a decade, you're doing it wrong.
If Canada and America faced-off in a war, America would win with it's massively superior military force. Just because every other country in NATO and the United Nations would back up Canada because they're better liked doesn't mean anything -- America could take on Canada's friends as well. Just like they took on The Taliban's friends by invading Iraq and freeing those people as well.
American children are smarter, better treated, and more athletically inclined than Canadian children, this can be easily examined in a few short points:

Children are treated much better in America than they are in Canada. For example, American children are always well-fed and are rarely forced to exercise or leave their televisions. This is good because rest and over-indulgence are both very important things for children. All the rest they get is really starting to show:
So what if all this indulgence and lack of exercise results in a childhood obesity epidemic where 1 in 5 American children are overweight? That just means they will see better results when we enlist them in Boot Camp. That is, if they survive their childhood diabetes and make it to the age of enlistment.

America cares so much about the education of their children that they enacted a policy named 'No Child Left Behind'. Who cares if 'No Child Left Behind' actually left 40% of the children behind by pushing them out of schools so the school board would receive more funding based on a higher Grade Point Average. America doesn't tolerate weakness, it must stay strong and in order to do so it must alienate and then eradicate weaknesses at every turn -- and if there is one thing America is good at; it's alienating it's own youth.

Nothing more needs to be said. America, you are the clear winner! Congratulations! You remain the world's greatest country and Canada simply remains a barely inhabited land of lumberjacks who speak funny.

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