Wednesday, March 28, 2012

25 Best Insults

You know those situations where you're engaged in a conversation, and someone gets the better of you? Then hours later the best one-liner ever in the history of freaking existence comes to you? Those situations suck, so here are my favourite generic insults, comebacks, and one-liners for you to memorize and toss around when you get stuck.

1. Thank you for your insight. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. (The more sarcasm in your tone of voice, the better)

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

4. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I am really quite busy. (Great for use in the workplace!)

5. I like you, you remind me of myself, when I was young and really stupid.

6. Are your parents siblings?

7. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

8. You are the product of 4 billion years of evolution, now fucking act like it.

9. If opposites attract then I hope you meet someone who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured. 

10. The fact that no one understands you does not mean that you are an artist.

11. Arguing with you is like playing chess against a pigeon; no matter how good I am at chess, the pigeon will knock over the pieces, shit all over the board, and then stomp around victoriously without a fucking clue. (This one is guaranteed to give you the upper hand in a debate)

12. If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong.

13. People like you remind me of the benefits of abortion.

14. I see that you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

15. So did your mother's abortion. (To be used when someone uses the massively overdone "Ha, you failed" insult)

16. What does it say about your family's genes if you were the one sperm who made it?

17. You'll never be half the man that your mother was. (May have to dodge a punch after using this one)

18. The fact that you're still alive strongly refutes Darwinism.

19. Would you like contact information for an excavating company, so as to have that massive Sand Castle removed from your vagina? (Works great on bitchy men)

20. Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had enough oxygen at birth?

21. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

22. Do you want people to accept you for who you are, or would you prefer having friends?

23. I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my own ass.

(Sometimes simple and nonsensical is best, as demonstrated by the following)

24. How about you go suck a bag of dicks! 

And finally...

25. I'll try being nicer if you start being smarter.

I would love to expand this list, please leave your favourite insults and one-liners below in the comments section.

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