The Way I See It

Faces of R/Atheism!

2012-03-02T23:09:00.003-05:00

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This Picture Makes Me Sick To My Stomach

2012-03-02T22:47:00.005-05:00

This needs to be clarified:

Atheists and non-religious people will always have a better understanding of life and death. This, of course, relates to a much deeper living, and a better grasp of what it means to be alive. We don't get a second chance with the cloud fairies where we will be magically reunited with those magnificent few we called our loved ones.

This picture has recently become viral on Facebook and it makes me sick to think that people disregard and disrespect their loved ones deaths by looking upon their passing with such impunity. Based on the logic given by the text inside this picture, you really do not need to appreciate your loved ones, do you? After all, if God is taking them then it is safe to presume that he will one day take you as well, which means that you will see them again. Not only will you see them, you get to see them for all eternity in a place with no illness or despair!

...And Religious people say "how can you trust an atheist when they have no higher power to govern them?" Well, for two main reasons: One, being that humanity is now and always will be enough for us to ensure we act in a morally right way, and 2) Because we understand that death is a real thing -- there is no perfect cloud city waiting for us later on. The real question then, is how can you trust a Religious person? Someone whose belief is that life is meaningless because death brings them not to an end, but rather a beginning; a gateway to a much better place.

This type of thinking is barbaric and detrimental to the survival of humanity. Pictures like this are indicators that North American society is still very much behind the rest of the enlightened world. It needs to be called out and abhorred; it needs to be stopped.

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Rick Santorum: Abortion

2012-02-29T11:45:00.002-05:00

If you lol'd feel free to check out the rest of my blog, links on the right side of the page. You can also connect with me via Twitter @ChrispyPaul (or click here)

Canada vs America: The Showdown

2012-02-27T21:52:00.000-05:00

Canada vs America: The Showdown

There's always been confusion among North Americans as to which country is better: Canada or America. It is time to settle this debate:

Culturally, America is better and bigger than Canada in almost every way; the way they live, the way they eat, the way they look. This can be seen by looking at a few basic comparisons:

America is home to: The best fast food chains, the best recreational drugs, the best economic crashes, the best fake reality television, the best celebrity meltdowns, the greatest scandals, the best politicians, the richest people, and most definitely the best lawyers.

Canada is home to: The best poutine, the best snow storms, the best outdoor ice rinks, the most apologetic people, the best igloos, the best maple syrup, the best horse-mounted police force, and most definitely the best National Anthem.

USA is the clear winner for culture. Now for some statistical analysis:

America emits 5.7% more greenhouse gases per capita than Canada does. This is relevant to America's greatness because it shows that they have a strong industry reflective of a never-failing economy.

Canada has 12% more non-religious people than America does. Since Religion is responsible for solving all of the world's problems, it is clear that America has less problems because it is more religious. So what if America has over 5 times more crime per capita than Canada; that just means there are five times more people that need to be saved by Jesus' love!

The USA has more livestock than Canada, so it is better equipped to feed it's people. This ensures that they are all very healthy and strong. This includes 6.5 times more cattle, 9.6 times more sheep and goats, and 24.6 times more mules and asses. In another statistic I've just made up, they also have 67.4 times more jackasses than Canada has.

America should be congratulated for having a 6% higher marriage rate than Canada. Marriage is important because it validates the love of two people. Without marriage, people cannot truly be in love. It also allows people to have sex, settle down, buy a house, go into debt, have children, and be unhappy; which is the definition of 'The American Dream'.

Canadians have 6.5% more foreign-born population, and nearly double the amount of migrants. How can Canada be united if they are all speaking different languages and embracing different spiritual belief systems? Not to mention, America would never bring in immigrants for cheap labour like Canada does! If America needs cheap labour they don't need to bring in immigrants; that's what outsourcing jobs to impoverished countries is for!

America's military is leaps and bounds ahead of Canada's. This can be seen by their increased patriotism, their massive military spending, and their overall abundance of military power:

America is famous for "supporting their troops". Their politicians say it, their songs proclaim it, their gap-toothed citizens yell it out every chance they get. America loves to talk about war. Since America likes to keep it's citizens educated and informed, they rely on the best, smartest, most unbiased and balanced news station to report their news -- the one and only, FOX NEWS.

Canada is divided on the issue of military force but American's stand united behind their military. That's why the poorest in America make up the largest percentage of military enlistments; then the richest tell the poorest which countries to invade -- teamwork, fuck yeah! It's a beautiful relationship in which both parties benefit: the rich get whatever they want (as per usual) and in exchange the poor get to meet Jesus first.

Since America always supports their troops, veterans in America are better supported than they are in Canada. Example: Only 67,000 American war veterans are homeless! That means that despite veterans only making up 8% of the USA's total population, they are still 1/4 of the total homeless population in all of America. Hey, 1 out of 4 is pretty good!

Canada may have a higher paid, more adaptable military force than America has; but who does Canada ever go to war with? That's right, no one! Except for all those times they were at war before America like in WWI, WWII and the Korean War, but let's not discuss that right now. If you don't bomb a place that the majority of your population can't even find on a map at least twice a decade, you're doing it wrong.

If Canada and America faced-off in a war, America would win with it's massively superior military force. Just because every other country in NATO and the United Nations would back up Canada because they're better liked doesn't mean anything -- America could take on Canada's friends as well. Just like they took on The Taliban's friends by invading Iraq and freeing those people as well.

American children are smarter, better treated, and more athletically inclined than Canadian children, this can be easily examined in a few short points:

Children are treated much better in America than they are in Canada. For example, American children are always well-fed and are rarely forced to exercise or leave their televisions. This is good because rest and over-indulgence are both very important things for children. All the rest they get is really starting to show:

So what if all this indulgence and lack of exercise results in a childhood obesity epidemic where 1 in 5 American children are overweight? That just means they will see better results when we enlist them in Boot Camp. That is, if they survive their childhood diabetes and make it to the age of enlistment.

America cares so much about the education of their children that they enacted a policy named 'No Child Left Behind'. Who cares if 'No Child Left Behind' actually left 40% of the children behind by pushing them out of schools so the school board would receive more funding based on a higher Grade Point Average. America doesn't tolerate weakness, it must stay strong and in order to do so it must alienate and then eradicate weaknesses at every turn -- and if there is one thing America is good at; it's alienating it's own youth.

Nothing more needs to be said. America, you are the clear winner! Congratulations! You remain the world's greatest country and Canada simply remains a barely inhabited land of lumberjacks who speak funny.

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"Car Alarms" Are Useless, Here's Why.

2012-02-27T12:17:00.000-05:00

You know when you come home after a long day of work, and all you want to do is go to your bed? You're a little bit hungry but you skip taking the time to make food because you're exhausted and after all, you take comfort in knowing that if you go to bed now, you'll feel better all day tomorrow. So you proceed to walk into your room in a zombie-like fashion, you change, you lay down in bed, you get comfortable and you start to drift off towards a peaceful night of sleep. Just as you're about to fall into a deep sleep, a nearby car alarm goes off. It startles you and shakes you up and no matter how hard you try to muster your patience, it's still frustrating to the point where you can no longer fall asleep; that is, if it were even being shut off in the first place.

The problem is that no one is breaking into your car when the alarm goes off, it's nearly always set off by mistake. Everything is going fine for you and then this silly alarm goes off that sets your senses on edge, creates a gnawing sense of anxiety in your stomach. It even makes you scared to return to the place where it went off for fear of embarrassment -- you are nervous that the people who know about the car alarm going off will judge you and think you're an idiot. It washes you with a tidal wave of fear; what if the alarm is going off for a reason? Did I make a bad choice in where I decided to park my car? But alas, you finally turn your car alarm off only to find that it took you way too long to reach the seemingly easy realization: that you don't now, and never will, need that alarm. It's a useless, annoying, out-of-date tool that serves no functional purpose in society any longer.

Why do we still install these tools in place? Whenever we, as citizens looking to make it through our daily struggles, hear a car alarm going off we immediately become panicked. We've installed these arbitrary noise-makers as a sort of guidance system, a technique to warn us when we weren't paying enough attention or focusing enough on our vehicles well-being. The problem is that over the years, due to the fact that no one has thought to check in, or re-evaluate these car alarms, more people have suffered and have been misguided than people have actually been helped. The ear-piercing shrieks that they dictate to us tell us that we must listen, we must pay attention to what the alarm is trying to tell us; but in the end we are left confused and at the same place we started -- in bed wishing we didn't have the god damn car alarm installed in the first place.

I say again that car alarms are useless tools, detrimental to society in ways we haven't even begun to measure or understand; they're fear-mongering pieces of worthless rubble that protect cars that are never at risk or in need of their services. Meanwhile, the broken down cars that need protection the most always seem to get neglected. They park at the back of the pack of cars wishing the car alarm would pay them attention and warn them of any danger, although all too often they are driven by those too poor to afford the assurance an alarm would provide.

In this way, car alarms are exactly the same as high-school guidance counselors. Useless, arbitrary, fear-mongering, misguiding, detrimental to our youth and no longer serving any viable function within society. In fact, this entire piece was just an analogy for how incredibly out-of-date and worthless a high-school guidance counselor is. If you were so inclined, you could re-read this piece and realize that "car alarm" and "high school guidance counselor" are synonymous.

Seriously though, high-school guidance counselors do more to beat down our youth and misguide them than they have ever done to help. What kind of a human being thinks they can tell a 17-year-old mid-pubescent, awkward, confused teenager whether they can or cannot attend certain classes. At that age, you barely know how to give a proper french kiss, let alone whether or not you're smart enough to attend a 4-year university program. For a group of people designed to engage and connect with our youth, I would argue that they do more harm than good and could be completely taken out of our education system without even a slight repercussion to the well-being of our youth.

The only difference between car alarms and high-school guidance counselors? People have finally become smart enough to ignore the noise a car alarm makes.

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Noah Was The Original Pokemon Master!

2012-02-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

It really freaks me out that people actually believe the story of Noah's Ark.

Can I Be A Christian If...

2012-02-23T16:27:00.000-05:00

Use your God-given free will and step back. Use these 40 days and determine if you need Christianity in order to be a morally right person.

Can I still be a Christian if I've had premarital sex? What if I don't plan on getting married, then it wouldn't be considered pre-marital, right?

What if I've read the Bible and believe that I can be a better person based on my own principles, rather than the guidelines it sets forth, could I still be a Christian?

What if I like to drink red wine, as well as whiskey or beer? Maybe just for me we could let a Priest bless my glass of rye and I will truly honour it as the blood of Christ?

If I believe marriage can be between two loving people of any sex, can I still be a Christian? Could we agree that you don't have to marry them in your church, but the state could still marry them legally at city hall and then you would allow the married couple to bring their family to worship at your church?

If I'm divorced, can I still attend a Roman Catholic church? What if I promise to say the Rosary everyday? Do you think God would accept that as a substitute for leaving a broken marriage for the sake of mine and my children's well-beings?

What if I believe the Ten Commandments are old, out-of-date rules that dictate suppression of women and support of slavery, and would like to revise them myself? Does God allow revisionists into His Kingdom?

I support a woman's right to have control over her own body; this includes full control over her reproductive cycles, who she has sex with, whether or not she needs to choose abortion, can I still be a Christian?

If I support a woman's right to use Birth Control, may I still call myself a Catholic? I have a few female friends who need to use 'The Pill' to regulate an irregular menstrual cycle; they're really nice people and would definitely benefit the congregation, but are they still welcome into the Church while taking Birth Control?

What if I think that sending relief items such as food, medical supplies, hygiene supplies etc etc, are more important than bringing Bible's when a population of people are in need? When a natural disaster strikes I like to voluntarily send aid in the form of goods and money donations, rather than sit idly and pray for God's help, is this acceptable behaviour as a Christian?

Can I be a Christian if I don't ask Jesus for forgiveness, but rather I ask the people I've upset for forgiveness when I do wrong? What if I just feel that forgiveness should be given by someone who is actually capable of communicating with me?

What if I volunteer my time to support those in need, such as at local shelters or as part of a Big Brother/Big Sister organization, but I attribute my good deeds to myself, rather than God?

Can I still be a Christian if I let myself feel good for the good deeds I choose to do, or will God be upset that I don't attribute things I've done of my own accord, as His will?

What if I don't attend church regularly because I feel that I've established as much of a relationship with my spirituality as I need, does that make God angry, or can I still be a good Christian?

What if I hold in higher esteem those who think differently than me, as opposed to those who think exactly alike me? Is it acceptable to remain open-minded at all times or does God demand that I condemn those who are not Christians?

If someone will not worship Jesus, but does remarkable deeds and has a very positive impact on those around them, do I judge them based on their failure to worship, rather than their content of character?

Could I still bring my children to church with me on Sunday if I refuse to allow them to pray at their public school? What if I'm just a firm believer that Church and State should remain separate, but not necessarily against the idea of prayer? Is this acceptable?

What if I believe that evolution is the most logical choice for an explanation of human origins, can I still call myself a Christian?

What is the most important thing that I need to know in order to call myself a Christian? Do I need to follow Jesus' word to the letter to call myself a follower of Christ? When Church leaders create modern rules that aren't in the Bible, how do I know whether I should listen to what they say, or follow what was originally written as Jesus' word?

If we could find agreeable answers to these questions I truly believe that we could positively shape the current discourse of religion's part in western society. Furthermore, if everyone took themselves a little less serious and admitted that most of the time they are good people who don't need religion to continue being good people, we would make leaps and bounds of progress in the ways of equality, compassion, understanding, and acceptance of others beliefs. This would, of course, diminish hatred and contentiousness throughout the world -- the benefits would be far-reaching and would leave the world in a much more loving state for everyone, especially those about to enter it.

Thanks for reading, feel free to browse the rest of my blog or connect with me via Twitter @Chrispypaul (or click here)

We Need To Change The Way We Talk

2012-02-19T14:47:00.001-05:00

As a society, North American culture is facing a very grave issue in the way we talk about and address events that happen. For example, when someone says "fighting cancer" what do you think of? A noble and courageous battle being fought to the bitter end? That is the first thought that crosses my mind, but then I remember the instances where I've seen and been involved in fights -- there is nothing courageous or heroic about them. Spitting, bleeding, crying, broken bones, shattered self-esteems, those are degrading things and when people fight they are not at their best as we are led to believe, they are, in fact, at their very worst.

When you fight you get hurt, or hurt someone else and that needs to be written here because the amount of people who are disillusioned about the reality of what it means to fight is shockingly, and pathetically high. Saying that someone who is receiving treatments to rid their bodies of cancerous cells is "fighting" against the cancer is wrong, incorrect, and most importantly it is really demeaning. I've lost loved ones and role models to cancer, we all have; they didn't lose a fight, they were murdered. Killed by a vicious disease that knows no prejudice, taken from existence from a deadly formation of cells that have gone AWOL. You wouldn't demean someone's death on purpose, so stop doing it accidentally.

Another serious issue that is spoken about as if we are a bunch of fucking pussies living on rainbow clouds is when we use the term "abuse" as if it were synonymous with "rape" and "torture". When the Catholic Priests rape another child, you will not see the term "rape" used in the headlines; instead there will be a sugar-coated word -- abuse. It is not abuse. It is rape. I hate the word rape, I hate saying it, writing it, talking about it, knowing that it happens; everything about the term makes my stomach churn. And it should, because you know what else I hate talking, writing, thinking about? Children being sexually violated.

Maybe we should stop saying that "children were abused" and start admitting the stark reality of a ghastly situation: that children are being raped and tortured. Abuse just doesn't quite cover it. Rape is such a heinous act, it is a word that nobody likes to say or hear, because it's a hard, cold word that carries a heaviness with it that most people are not able to fully comprehend. The problem with not using a word because you don't like it, means that the gravity of the situation is then lost on you. Words are far too powerful a thing to not use them correctly.

Keep in mind that using false terms like "abuse" as if it were synonymous with "rape" is a form of appeasement; and appeasement is the very thing that has allowed the rape and torture of children to continue to this very day. Furthermore, let's stop encouraging people to "fight" cancer; let's start working together to cure it.

Stranger Than Science Fiction: 11 Places That You Won't Believe Actually Exist

2012-02-17T17:53:00.003-05:00

1. Izu Islands, Japan

Near Japan are a series of volcanic islands where the sulfur in the air became so heavy that evacuations were mandated. Despite the still-lethal levels of sulfur polluting the air, people have actually moved back to the islands. However, they must wear gas masks when going outside, which has prompted a group of scientists to study their daily lives and the effects that the debilitating environment has on their physical conditions. This is where the zombie apocalypse will begin.

2. Pripyat, Ukraine

On the 26th of April, 1986, a failed systems test caused a massive rupture in the reactor vessel of the Chernobyl power plant. As the result from plumes of radiation blanketing a huge geographical area with deadly radiation, nearby Pripyat had to be evacuated; forcing 49,400 residents to abandon their homes. Pripyat is, to this day, covered in lethal pockets of radiation. This ghost town has been the backdrop of several pieces of fiction literature; and most recently provided part of the setting for the popular first-person-shooter Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

3. Coober Pedy, Australia

Coober Pedy is an Australian mining town where scorching-hot temperatures inspired residents to build underground "dugouts" -- parts of the town where people reside when above ground is too hot. Some of the main attractions are an underground chapel and a golf course open only at night because of the intense daytime heat.

4. Centralia, Pennsylvania

During the summer of 1962, a massive coal fire ignited in the mine running underneath the town of Centralia, PA. Sinkholes and deadly eruptions of steam and fire occur at random from underneath the city's streets even to this day. Despite this, the town was still populated until 1981, when the government ordered a mandatory evacuation. You may think that this looks like the real life Silent Hill, and you would be right because the creator of the series has cited Centralia, PA as one of his inspirations for it's setting.

5. Karni Mata's Temple at Deshnoke, India.

This temple in India (known locally as The Temple of The Rats) believes that when someone is reincarnated, they come back as a rat. The people who worship at Deshnoke not only let rats come and go as they please, they even feed and worship "with" them. Unlike other temples that worship Karni Mata, this one has no statues or major symbols, only an imprint of what is said to be the Goddesses footprint, so all who enter must go bare-footed. As if being surrounded by rats wasn't enough, they also force you to take off your footwear in order to worship; now that is dedication.

6. The Island of The Dolls, Mexico City, Mexico

Known as "La Isla de la Munecas" by the Spanish, this mysterious island is located in a series of canals south of Mexico City. A hermit named Don Julian Santana moved to the island and lived there for 50 years alone. Don Julian used to claim that he was haunted by the ghost of a little girl who drowned in one of the canals. He hung these mutilated dolls on every single tree on the island to commemorate the memory of the spirit that tormented him. In 2001, Don Julian was found dead via drowning by his nephew, floating in the same canal that the little girl drowned in years earlier. Given it's uniqueness, this place should be a more popular tourist attraction in Mexico but people are so convinced it is haunted that it actually deters most foreigners from visiting.

7. Hashima Island, Japan

Hashima is an island located near Japan that was a coal mining facility from 1887 to 1974. When the coal mine was ordered to be shut down, the island was abandoned and rapidly fell into a state of disrepair. Several buildings have collapsed as the island has not been given any form maintenance since it's closing. Rumours circulate that the reason it has never been revisited is because of superstitions; due to the ghosts of several ill-fated coal miners who died on-site while the mine was still open having said to appear to any who come near Hashima Island. This superstition is so strong that government officials refuse to allow interested parties access to the island.

8. Sedlec Ossuary

The Sedlec Ossuary is a Roman Catholic chapel located in the Czech Republic. After 1,000 years of acting as a burial site, the church began to run out of room to store the bones of the deceased. In 1870, a man was hired to find a solution to the bone overflow problem. His solution: reinforce the inside walls, pillars, coat of arms, benches, and lamps, with decorations made from human bones. The Sedlec Ossuary is said to house the bones of nearly 70,000 people, who are now resting peacefully as decorative footstools and chandeliers.

9. Thames Town, China

Thames Town is a fully functioning re-creation of how the Chinese view a typical market town from England, located just outside of Shanghai, China. Thames Town is just the beginning of other-country themed towns, as the Chinese government plans to build re-creations of towns themed after Sweden, USA, Italy, Spain, traditional Chinese, and Germany.

10. Manshiyat Naser, Egypt

Manshiyat Naser (also known as Garbage City) is located near Cairo, and it's entire economic system revolves around collecting and recycling garbage. The city has shops, streets, apartments, and the largest church in all of the middle east, but it lacks any real infrastructure, and has no running water, no sewage, and no electricity. This place is ripe for the picking if you're looking for a unique locale for a shoot-out scene in a sci-fi movie.

11. The Mummy Museum at Guanajuato, Mexico

The "Mummies of Guanajuato" are naturally mummified bodies that are the result of a cholera outbreak in 1833. Due to the deadliness of the outbreak, bodies were put into the ground immediately after death, with some people being accidentally put into the ground while they were still alive; which sheds light on why several mummies have horrific expressions on their faces. The museum at Guanajuato was once visited by famous sci-fi author Ray Bradbury, who later wrote the short story "Next In Line" about his "wounding and terrifying experience" at the museum.

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My Generation's Paradox

2012-02-17T12:56:00.002-05:00

The paradox of my generation is that we construct buildings to touch the clouds, yet we can't keep in touch with our family.

We have larger and wider highways, but they're filled with shorter tempers and narrower viewpoints.

We have more self-proclaimed experts, yet the world has never seen so many problems.

We have the biggest houses for the smallest families, we have a society of pure convenience yet we can never find the time.

We spend money we don't have on things we don't need and enjoy our purchased items less than ever before.

Everyone has a degree, nobody has any answers. We have so many facts, but no common sense. Medicine for everything, but we charge so much no one can afford the care they deserve.

We drive and eat like we're always in a rush, we spend most of our time stressed out about things that don't matter, stay up too late and are always too tired; while we should be relaxing, laughing, hugging, reading, and spending more time with more people who matter more than anything else.

We treat time as if it is a commodity of the utmost importance, yet we never take the time to truly honour what little time we have.

We are so quick to hate, and so long to love.

We have so many possessions, but so few values.

We talk without thinking and ignore without listening.

We teach our youth how to make a living, but not a life. We are alive for so much longer than ever before, but truly live for so few years.

We clean up our air but pollute our souls, we can get to the bottom of the ocean, but not the bottom of our own prejudice.

Everybody rushes, but nobody waits.

We have kids with cell phones, computers, and tablets, but not imaginations.

We have the ability to feed the world, but lack the dedication it requires.

We wanted a higher income so we sold our morals to get it.

We know so much, but understand so little.

We have the easiest means of communication the world has ever seen, yet we are incapable of meaningful connection. We back away from face-to-face conversations and solve all our important issues through electronic communication.

We have more quantity but less quality.

We grow taller but have shorter character, we have elevated profits and superficial relationships.

It is a time of worldwide revolutions but domestic oppression.

We have an abundance of food for rich people to waste while poor people starve to death.

We have an out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality; we can throw away anything we want, and we often do, including our own morals and values.

We have households with two incomes but no parent figures, the fanciest houses with the most broken homes.

We have "Health Maintenance Organizations" that do everything except help people maintain their health; they spend their resources telling sick people which treatments they aren't allowed to have.

We've created medicines to help us have sex, lose weight, be happy, grow hair; then we condemn the pill-popping drug addicts that we're responsible for creating in the first place.

We live in a time where we care more about what is in the store window than we do about the homeless person sitting next to it; we have laser surgery for sharper vision but less perspective than ever before.

We live in a time where we have to work longer hours in order to support children we never see.

It's a time of medical breakthroughs and government cutbacks.

It's a time where we have enough religion to make us hate one another, but not enough faith to let us love one another.

It is a time when this information has been passed to you in an instant, and you can choose to absorb it and make a difference, or ignore it and click off.

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Why Women Buy New Clothes

2012-02-16T00:40:00.000-05:00

This is my pie-chart about why women buy new clothing:

Amirite? Feel free to browse around my blog for more or head on over to my Twitter account right here to get in touch!

Some Things We All Do and Have In Common...

2012-02-10T13:42:00.000-05:00

Here are some things that everyone has in common:

1) Everyone has had that awkward moment when they have to watch a sex-scene in a movie with their parents.

2) Everybody hates getting out from their warm paradise of blankety-goodness in the morning, only to enter the frozen Arctic tundra that is the rest of your home.

3) Everybody has that moment of excitement when they see that they have a new Facebook friend request, only to be let down when you click on it and realize it's just that creeper you knew from high school.

4) Everybody has a belly button, and that is really cool. You should look at it right now and thank it for existing.

5) Everybody has tripped and fallen while walking, only to immediately stand up straight and look around to check if there was anybody watching.

6) Everybody has walked into a glass or screen door at least once. This seems to occur more often than not during drunken nights out on a patio.

7) Everybody has had "Insufficient Funds" appear on their keypad when paying debit and immediately felt a sinking sense of shame.

8) Everyone has received a Christmas gift and immediately thought "I will never use this".

9) Everyone has taken their phone out 2 or 3 times to check the time, only to put it back in your pocket and realize that once again, you have no idea what time it is.

10) Everybody hates when they keep running into the same person in the grocery store, aisle after aisle. It's usually that awkward acquaintance you sort of knew from way back and you think, "should I say hi?".

11) Everyone has been walking down a side walk and then deliberately stepped to the side just to land their foot directly on a crunchy-looking leaf.

12) Everybody has shut off the lights in the basement and then ran as quickly as possible up the stairs immediately after.

13) We've all had that moment where we sing and dance like we're alone, only to have someone walk into the room and burst your bubble.

14) Everybody has that moment where they're sitting on a train or bus, side by side with another train or bus, and one starts to move and the other is sitting still, but you aren't sure whether yours is the one moving or not.

15) Everybody loves flipping their pillow over to the cold side when trying to get to sleep.

16) We have all bumped into something and immediately sad "ow!" despite the fact that it didn't hurt you at all.

17) Everybody has had that moment when during a conversation, the other person says something that sounds like song lyrics and you start singing the song in your head.

18) Everybody's been in a public place and thought of a hilarious event that's occurred in the past and then burst out laughing and everyone starts to stare.

19) Everybody has gotten their hair just right, and their outfit looking great, only to go the entire day without seeing anyone of any importance.

20) We've all laughed at someone getting hurt.

21) Everybody's worst fear is someone else checking their internet history.

22) Everybody hates that moment when you've been arguing your point intensely, but then suddenly realize you are undeniably wrong.

23) Everyone has made that one bad decision that has dire consequences but still doesn't regret it because it makes for an awesome story to tell.

24) Everybody has had that moment at work when you just know that you aren't going to accomplish anything productive for the rest of the day.

25) We all have that moment when we just don't know what to say to someone in a conversation.

26) Everyone has felt like a total bad-ass for sneaking their own snacks and drinks into a movie theatre.

27) Everyone has wondered how many times strangers have taken a picture with them in the background, completely unaware that you were being frozen in time in someone else's camera.

28) Everybody can always remember exactly how crayons smell.

29) Everyone has said the same word over and over again until the point where it no longer sounds like a real word.

30) Everyone has a best friend who they can give "the look" to, to signal that someone attractive just walked by.

31) Everybody deletes their entire password after typing only one letter wrong.

32) Everyone has smiled at least once just because they have no idea what is going on.

33) Everyone has laughed at their own joke because they swore it was hilarious, despite the fact that they're the only person laughing.

34) Everyone has had Microsoft Word tell them that they've spelled their last name wrong.

35) Everyone has been watching a horror movie and thought to themselves "I would totally just kick that bad guy's ass".

36) Everyone has been super stoked to be first place in Mario Kart, only to fall off that cliff and then be in twelfth place :'(

37) Everyone has had someone explain something to them more than once, and then pretended to understand it when they really don't, just so they don't look stupid.

We may all believe different things, and most of us take ourselves way too seriously, but underneath all the differences, we're all just a bunch of clumsy, goofy, and uniquely strange human beings who really don't have a clue what is going on half the time anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to read, if you want to connect, leave a comment, or head on over to my Twitter account right here.

Things Atheists Need Christians To Know

2012-02-09T22:59:00.000-05:00

Atheists need Christians to know that: If you believe in God but not in scientific reasoning, then you're no longer allowed access to anything that has been discovered as a result of scientific endeavours. It isn't God that's saving your life when you're rushed into the Emergency Room and given life-saving medicine. It isn't God that hooked up your internet connection either, so if you actually believe that God put us all here, then shut your computer off and go live in a forest -- maybe you'll meet a talking snake after a few days of eating sketchy berries.

Atheists need Christians to know that: If you think the Earth is only 6000 years old (a la Genesis creation story) then you, and everyone who thinks like you, are now officially denied access to the fossil fuels that have been around for hundreds of thousands of years. We'll see if God powers your vehicles and provides you with money after you lose your job because you can no longer show up on time.

Atheists need Christians to know that: If you are going to say atheism is a religion, we are going to point out that despite the fact that Christopher Hitchens was a very respectable dude, we do not view him as an eternal deity. Like Bill Maher said, "until you see Hitchens' face appear in a tree stump, you can not claim that atheism is a religion".

Atheists need Christians to know that: If you don't support same-sex marriage, then shut up and don't marry someone of the same sex. We aren't forcing you to wed two people of the same sex in your million dollar cathedrals, we are just asking that you don't stand in the way of equality and progress. If you really have a problem with same-sex relations, then go to church and talk about it; just leave everyone who isn't suffering from cognitive delays alone.

Atheists need Christians to know that: Until churches teach Evolution Theory, public schools should not have to teach Creationism. Just because it has the word 'theory' at the end, doesn't mean it hasn't been verified by empirical data. I understand that picking up multiple books to study Evolution is much more strenuous than picking up one book and learning Creationism -- but the easy road and the right road are rarely the same.

Atheists need Christians to know that: If God is to be held responsible for the good things that happen then he is also to be held responsible for the bad things. He must be held accountable for all happenings, or none of them. I'm sure I'm not the only one sick of the ambivalent logic used when talking about God's "will". If you want my personal opinion, God's will is a convenient way to make him look good. If you were to look at his resume, you would not hire him for even the most basic unskilled positions, let alone one as important as the creator of all life.

Atheists need Christians to know that: If you claim to be a member of a religious community then you must follow the religious doctrine of said community. This new-age cafeteria Christianity rubbish is getting out of hand. Recently a video went viral of a wannabe 'slam poet' explaining why he hates religion but loves Jesus -- am I the only person who views this type of reasoning as illogical? Is that not exactly the same as saying "I love beef but hate cows"?.

Atheists need Christians to know that: If you say to an atheist "you're such a nice person, I can't believe you're an atheist" then we are allowed to reply with "you're really a smart person, I can't believe you're a Christian!"

Atheists need Christians to know that: If your opinions are wrong, we don't have to respect them. It's time to get rid of "everyone's entitled to their own opinions" -- no, they are not. If your opinion is detrimental to honesty, equality, morality, and/or ethically right behaviour, then your opinion is not valid; nor are you entitled to it. For example: If you believe that slavery is a good thing, I don't have to respect your opinion because 1) it's harmful and venomous, and 2) it's really stupid. Furthermore, if you don't believe same-sex marriage should be allowed, not only do we not have to respect your opinion but we also get to outright mock it. As The Hitch once said, "stupidity of that magnitude deserves nothing more than unadulterated mockery".

Atheists need Christians to know that: Atheist, atheism, anti-theism, should not be capitalized unless it's at the beginning of the sentence. Have you ever heard of Athe, the great prophet? No? Then stop capitalizing it please and thank you.

Atheists need Christians to know that: We aren't out to steal away your belief system, we're just looking for a little respect. I'm fairly certain that most Christians have actually formed their own code of morals that vaguely represent what Christianity actually dictates. It's okay to not yet have realized that you aren't actually a practising Christian but it is not okay to hold silly views and say you hold such beliefs because your religion tells you to. Most opponents of same-sex relations? Not actual Christians. Most opponents of Evolution Theory? Not actual Christians. How do I know this? The same reason you do, because the majority of the people we know call themselves Christians but don't ever give to the poor, provide love and affection to those in need, refuse to pass judgement, or do anything that in anyway represents Jesus. Real Christians follow Jesus, who mostly, was for equality. When you hear that atheists know more about the Bible than Christians, it is only partly true. It's true because atheists know more about it than most people calling themselves Christians; but a real, practising Christian will have read and fully understood what the Bible teaches.

Thanks for taking the time to read! If you liked (or disliked, even) leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter account right here.

"It Gets Better" Is Just Not Good Enough

2012-02-02T03:39:00.000-05:00

Everyday these heartbreaking, morose headlines indicate that "It Gets Better" is just not good enough:

Over 5,000 human beings in their adolescent years commit suicide every year in North America. That's a teenage life being self-extinguished roughly every two hours.

It is time to admit that "It Gets Better" is not good enough. We have failed in one attempt to support our youth, we must start fresh and make another. The bullying isn't being stopped by this campaign and the suicides are continuing at a shocking pace. "It Gets Better" does not support the bullied youth the way they need to be supported. You can tell someone it gets better every single day, but a depressed, bullied teenager will only believe you for so long without seeing some actual proof of things changing for the better. Several thousand teens lost hope before things changed -- the campaign failed them completely.

Instead of telling these teens what we think they need to hear; that "it will soon get better", we should instead sit down with them, quiet ourselves, and listen to what it is they have to say.

LGBT individuals are three times more likely to commit suicide than any other teenager. This is an epidemic and it needs to end now.

As adults, we need to take responsibility and recognize that teenagers are still just kids; and as we all know, kids need role models. "It Gets Better" takes us only so far towards reaching a solution; just far enough so that we can feel better about ourselves for having put a child's band-aid on a fatal bullet wound. Telling our youth that "It Gets Better" is like pulling out the batteries on your smoke detector and then ignoring the fact that the fire is still raging on unchecked, out of sight. We are able to ignore the root of the problem solely because we no longer hear about it.

There is no greater risk to society as a whole than the one that threatens our youth. We must put an end to homophobic attitudes and behaviour. "It Gets Better" is not good enough, we need to make it better right now. Perhaps we should consider levying consequences at the individuals who are responsible for bullying? Imagine how quickly the bullying would stop if the bullies had to be there in the moment the parents of a teen who has committed suicide were notified of their child's death. After all, these bullies mustn't be aware of the irreparable damage they are causing, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it in the first place -- empathy is an incredible tool that needs to be utilized in these particular situations. As relevant but unrealistic as that thought may be, I believe that the only way to fix this problem is by taking an active role every single day and taking an active stance to stop this abysmal, pathetic behaviour. It doesn't matter if you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, heterosexual, undecided -- the responsibility falls on everyone's shoulders.

Adults need to reach out, not just to the people suffering at the hands of bullies, but also to the bullies as well. There is no sadder, misguided, and confused individual than the one who is capable of torturing a fellow human to the point of causing them grief and hardship, least of all to the point of their suicide.

The answer is tolerance, understanding, and education -- in the form of taking action everyday, not waiting for these down-trodden youth to grow up. How can we tell people that it gets better? The teenagers being affected by bullying are surrounded by hatred and a complete loss of hope; if "It Gets Better" was an appropriate answer then the headlines listed above would have ceased to pop up at such an alarming rate.

The answer to stopping an individual from being a bully is found in humanity. We need to stop focusing on the trivial things that make us different and start concentrating on the things we have in common. Human connectivity is the answer to learning to see each other as human beings, not as subhuman objects deserving of hatred and condemnation. Only once we learn to see each other as equals will we quell the teenage suicide epidemic that is currently plaguing us.

"What is tolerance? It is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the law of nature." - Voltaire

Religion and Me: A Photo Essay

2012-01-27T04:58:00.002-05:00

Hi, this is me! A 24-year-old from Ontario, Canada.

I like spending time with family:

And friends:

And I like to play the guitar:

And I am an atheist!

However, I have not always held my anti-theistic views. In fact, I used to be an altar boy in my small, rural town's Catholic church.

I would like to take a few moments of your time to show you how I went from altar boy to atheist. Let's start by looking at what religion is, shall we?

But I didn't always see religion for what it truly is, I used to view it like this...

...but as I started to grow up and pay less attention to myself, I began to pay more attention to the world around me. I noticed that the world was in dire need of help, God's help! So, I began to do what I was taught to do when I was in need, pray!

It didn't seem to be working, so I changed how I asked things, and continued to pray...

...and pray...

But no matter how much i prayed, the terrible things continued to happen:

Nobody but me seemed to mind that our prayers were going unanswered. Maybe it was because the people around me still had food on their tables, a vehicle in their garage and a safe environment to live in. It was frustrating to me though, that God wasn't blamed for the bad stuff, but when something good happened, we attributed it to His benevolence.

And around the time of Japan's most recent earthquake and subsequent tsunami, I realized that:

So I decided to start helping, and I concluded that praying was not as productive as I had been lead to believe. I had realized that I was brainwashed, that everything I had been told about God; His love, His commandments, His hatred of human nature, His stories that only a child should believe, yet all the adults were swearing by, were all falsified and fabricated. I realized that religion is just a pervasive venom we were being spoon-fed by irresponsible adults.

So first, I had to break free of my old, primitive ways of thinking. That natural need for appeasement that comes with religion -- the complacent attitude I had been indoctrinated with my whole life so far. I decided to take a risk and throw out everything the Bible had taught me, lessons like the Adam and Eve story...

...were only hurting me. Next, I started listening to the other side; atheists. The people who, where I come from, are still the most mistrusted group of individuals:

But as I continued to let dissent of religious indoctrination spread secretly through my mind, I realized that the people who truly understood the way that the world was supposed to be run, were not the religious persons I was surrounded by.

I quickly came to the understanding that I had been mislead; that atheists were not bad at all, they've just been given a very bad reputation:

I chose to begin studying religion openly; it's influence on human beings and of course, where it all came from. I came to a stark realization one day when I stumbled on the discovery that:

As I grew up and began to mature, some of my friends became open about their homosexuality -- I didn't care, they were my friends; sexual preference was too small a personality trait to matter to me. In fact, I respected them. I was ashamed of my disbelief in God and religion, afraid of who might say what at school. Yet these individuals were brave enough to be themselves in a place that very much scorned any act of individualism; High School was not a very accepting place.

In my mind, even if the entire Bible was just passages saying that same-sex relations were a sin, I would still argue that there were worse things happening in the world. To me, sin is just an invented sickness designed to sell you a fake cure, a pill you could swallow whole, using your code of morals as the liquid chaser. The name of that cure is Religion, and along with it's imaginary illness, Sin; the duo write the greatest prescription for permission to hate that the world has ever seen.

I just couldn't understand why everybody hated my friends. Were there really any legitimate worries because they had desires to marry a member of the same sex?

I believed quite strongly that the rest of the world was wrong, while I was right about the same-sex debate. It was not too long, however, that people in the public eye began to express the thoughts that I, and surely several others, were having:

At that point in my life I was convinced that if there ever was a god, he lost interest in us long ago. Our prayers go unanswered, and to be brutally honest, they should, they deserve to be ignored. They should be ignored because as each person mutters their own selfish, pathetic, depraved prayers, we contradict someone else's prayers. We cant all win the lottery, we can't all win at sports and certainly, we can't all have God protect us from bullets while ensuring the bullets we fire find our targets.

Speaking of death, why do religious people continue to scare the rest of us, when it's really them who can't wait for death? How many times have they scared us into believing the world is about to end? The world isn't about to end, unless it comes in the form of a war that religion itself creates.

The harder I looked at the evidence (lack thereof) for an omnipotent, omniscient being, the more I understood about human nature. God didn't make people good, he made them bad -- his message was a corrupt one. People become so twisted by religious brainwashing that they commit heinous acts and feel no remorse for them -- they believe they're divinely warranted. Other people, the ones already morally corrupt, those who are naturally sick and don't need the imaginary cure religion sells, take the pill anyway and use religion as a convenient curtain to hide behind. Whether you are made sick by it, or let yourself become more depraved of humanity by allowing it to be your protective blanket is irrelevant -- the one thing it does not ever do, is make someone better. It promotes...

Child abuse:

Suppression of women:

Manipulation of fears, pushing an agenda of gang-like mentality:

Hoarding money for mega-churches, mansions, personal wealth:

The blocking of scientific frontiers such as stem cell research, or evolution, despite it's obvious irrefutable benefits:

It seems so hopeless at times, as if religion will always be in control, fighting against reason and free thought. But even when it seems like I'm surrounded by people who disagree I remind myself that religions are on their last leg; they retreat more everyday. We are winning.

There will be good people and bad people, with or without religion; that is a fact of humanity. But without humanity, we largely tip the scales in the favour of the bad. After all, it is much easier to hate a person when you refuse to see them as just that, a fellow person. History proves time and time again that the simplest, most potent forms of hate come from viewing other human beings as inferior, sub-human creatures. It worked with Nazis and the Jews, Israelis and the Palestinians, and certainly much closer to home, it is working with the Christians and the Muslims. Religion blocks humanity; humanity is all we have. I don't know what the best solution is in regards to the problems religion perpetuates. I also can't say for sure what things would look like without religion when it is gone. I don't know where this fight against the stupidity known as religion ends; I do know one thing however, and that is how it begins -- by taking a step back and imagining how the world would look without religion.

If you liked this, head on over to my Twitter account and connect with me right here!

The War on Women's Rights and My Rebuke of the Anti-Choice Movement

2012-01-23T13:35:00.000-05:00

A woman's right to make their own decisions has fallen under attack:

2011 marked a monumental year for the war on women's control over their reproductive choices. Anti-choice politicians passed more restrictions on abortions in 2011 than any other year in this millennium (a total of 68).

The U.S. House of Representatives voted 8 times on choice related issues in 2011. Compared to two times in 2006, two times in 2007, zero times in 2008, three times in 2009 and one time in 2010. Among the choice-related issues being voted on was a bill titled H.R.358.

This bill is titled the "Protect Life Act" and it allows hospitals the legal right to refuse giving a patient an emergency abortion when their life is in danger by "exercising their conscience". Yes, it literally means that even if the female is going to die without the abortion, the act places the fetus' well-being before that of the parent, allowing the hospital to let the female die. This law would be more aptly named the "Let Women Die Act".

Despite the fact that abortion has been legal in the United States of America for 39 years, there were twenty-six states to pass anti-choice measures in 2011. Anti-choice politicians understand that abortion will never be made illegal within the U.S. (despite what some congressmen would have you think), so rather than waste time trying to make abortion a criminal act, they pass measures that make it nearly impossible for women to actually receive an abortion. This is dangerous because if a female is going to choose abortion, she is going to find the means to have one done. What this means is that if there is no safe place provided for her to receive the procedure, she will seek other means such as home-abortions or unregistered facilities -- both options could mean death or permanent and unfixable mutilation. Abandoning our women is primitive and disgusting; the utter disdain I have for the individuals who are not only okay with the abandonment of women in need, but are trying to make it normal practice, is immense and unrelenting.

What anti-choice means and the measures they've put in place:

Anti-choice means exactly what it sounds like; people who are against women having control over their reproductive choices. They declare that human life begins at conception and that it is murder to take a human life; therefore abortion is murder. These "pro-life" advocates have passed some heinous bills such as the one mentioned above as well as South Dakota's law that legally demands every single person undergoing an abortion to sit down for an in-person lecture by an anti-choice counsellor at a "crisis pregnancy center". A judge is currently blocking this law but the state's own governor is demanding $750,000 in taxpayer funds to defend the law in court.

Interesting enough, the same congressmen who call themselves "pro-life" and anti-choice are restricting women's rights to lead their lives and are placing them at risk for severe health complications in the process.

The abortion debate ended:

Yet there are still those who oppose the legal rights of women choosing abortion. Abortion needs to be legal, and here's why:

1) Rape victims who would be forced to carry a fetus inside of them from a crime so terrible would cause extreme emotional pain constituting cruel and unusual torture and punishment. Punished by a "pro-life" government stance meant to "protect" life, tortured by a nagging reminder of the worst experience of their lives.

2) Females who become pregnant before their bodies are capable of carrying and properly adapting to a 9-month gestation period are put at risk for serious and life-threatening health complications.

3) A "baby" does not occur at point of conception, think of it as a spectrum of colours: Blue is not green, yellow is not red. A baby ready to be born has 1,000,000,000,000 cells. At the point of conception, there is a single cell. Even after several days, there are so few cells that they are literally invisible and hold no ability to think, see, feel, taste, touch, or hear. I am not an expert on babies, I've never even held one; but I am capable of identifying one and a few microscopic droplets of goo does not constitute a baby.

When PETA says "a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy" they mean that vermin is the same as livestock, which means that vermin can be the same as a pet, or a human boy -- they are wrong. Red is not yellow, blue is not green, a rat is not a boy and a single cell is not a living, breathing, feeling, thinking human being.

4) Anti-choice and "pro-lifers" claim to be celebrating life by staking the claim that life begins at the point of conception. Well I'm sorry, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that comparing a human baby with arms, legs, a brain, and a nervous system to that of a single-celled fertilized egg doesn't celebrate life, it denigrates it.

5) Most importantly, taking away women's rights over their own reproductive cycles is incredibly damaging to the progress we have made here in North America on the topic of equality. If we take away a female's reproductive choices, we have then shackled them to the suppression they were victims of for so long.

Do not forget that in dictatorships all over the modern world women are chained to the wishes of the men in charge. Religious thought and backwards thinking tell women what they can eat, when they can talk, whether or not they are allowed to reproduce; this is suppression in the most abysmal sense. We mustn't allow this to happen here in North America and it is happening more and more each time one of the 68 anti-choice measures was passed last year.

Congressmen have no right to tell a woman what she can or can not do with her own body. After all, how much depth can us men truly have when trying to understand the struggles of a female facing such an important choice?

When people say that "the bible says abortion is wrong" and therefore we must honour what the bible says I remind them that A) no it doesn't, anywhere, ever in the bible say that abortion is wrong (check it out for yourself); and B) the bible does condone killing children on more than one occasion.

"Pro-lifers" often argue that abortion is dangerous and that it tinkers with the natural order of life. Well first of all, abortions are one of the safest major medical procedures an individual can undergo and a huge majority of abortions that have been done have actually saved the life of the person who needed it. As far as tinkering with the natural order of life goes...So you've never used anti-biotics, vaccines, anaesthesia? We have quite happily adopted Germ Theory and a vast array of other medical advancements in order to defy the natural order of life and stay alive much longer, while staying much healthier than ever before. Tinkering with the natural order is not a real argument, it would be like saying "abortions were Hitler's favourite pass-time" in order to make abortions appear bad by equating them to something a bad person did. Again, I'm sorry; but no intelligent adult would ever make such a stunned, immature argument.

In closing:

It is absolutely okay to feel that you yourself would not condone an abortion for yourself, or in the case of the male population, approve of a female getting one. Of course you can personally feel like it is not the best course of action -- but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be legal! Restrictions being placed on women's right to choose abortion is indeed irrefutable evidence of a war against women; there is no denying it. It was stated above and must be stated again: remember that men have no right, ever, to stop a female from making a private, medical choice, or refuse her emergency life-saving medical treatments, or control what she can or can not do with her own body. We have long surpassed our ancestors primitive ways of suppressing women's rights; let's not reopen the floor to even entertain idea's that would allow us to move backwards in time to a place where women lose equality and the right to choose.

Stand together against the war on women's rights. Abortion must remain legal and accessible; the future of free society depends on it.

Agree? Disagree? I'd love to hear why! Leave a comment below or head on over to my Twitter account right here @ChrispyPaul

Censorship Part 2: The Stand Against SOPA/PIPA

2012-01-18T01:36:00.001-05:00

Dear Patrons of the Internet,

Internet blackout tomorrow from 8am until 8pm in support of Reddit, Google, StumbleUpon, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Vimeo, Yahoo and many other companies that are blacking out for 12 hours to stand in solidarity against SOPA and PIPA -- two bills that are going to completely limit, or outright destroy the internet and how we use it. If you've ever used the internet (lulz!), you are affected!

SOPA and PIPA will allow the US Federal Government to suspend, censor and blacklist (block) any website responsible for web content it deems "pirated". The word "pirated", in this context translates to "any website, search engine, blog, and/or video streaming site that has been found to host, link to, borrow from, or directly/indirectly assist with content theft".

What that means for the average internet user: You Google search a phrase, the phrase returns a result that links you to a website such as Reddit, you browse Reddit and then link to a sister site or site that is featured on Reddit that allows ANOTHER (bare with me here) website to advertise or share content on said third-party website that the US Feds (or any other web company/site owner/operator) deem "pirated" (remember the suspicious and vague context of the word) then the third-party website, as well as Reddit, as well as Google are now all held accountable for the "assisting with pirating of software or stealing of copyrighted content". A website that houses 10,000 pages could be COMPLETELY blocked off the face of the internet's because of ONE page being accused of infringement.

IF by some chance these companies are able to escape an accusation that could, in many cases, lead to a criminal charge, they are still not safe. The SOPA/PIPA act also gives the US Feds the ability to cut off an infringing website's funding by taking control of the advertising assets -- and they can do this without actually convicting anyone of a real crime because with the way this act was written, it permits the US Gov't to put the ownness of proving innocence disproportionately on the accused. In other words, you are guilty until you, which could literally mean YOU, are able to prove that you are innocent. Because this bill is attempting to target video/TV pirating websites that let you stream or download content, and nearly 90% of said websites are located outside US boarders, there is also a clause in the SOPA bill that allows the US Gov't to cease control of foreign sites and assets, and then potentially press charges against foreign citizens anywhere else in the world that the US has found to be guilty (remember, guilty means pointing a finger, not providing evidence in these cases).

If this bill passes, the websites you love, such as those listed above, will cease to exist at their full, or even partial capacity, within weeks. This is real, it is not a conspiracy, it is not a false alarm, it is happening whether you choose to pay attention or not. As a blogger and an avid internet user, this bill would mean very bad things for me. I have already written things about religion that cause me a lot of static but I don't worry about that because I live safely in a free country where we can voice our concerns and opinions without fear of serious repercussions. With that being said, because of the ambiguous wording of the SOPA/PIPA bills, my blog could become a target very quickly. If you are found to have expressed yourself artfully, using any copyrighted content (such as lyrics from songs in my Worst Lyrics blog), you are on the list of sites to potentially become a target. Therefore, this bill means that I can trash religion and be safe, but if I dare borrow copyrighted content such as tv content, film content, copyrighted song lyrics et cetera, I am in contempt of the SOPA bill's terms. My creative ability to write entertaining and thought-provoking content would severely and irrevocably be damaged; I do not do well with censorship. Furthermore, I would be commanded to take down nearly half of the content I have posted and would be forced into a situation where I will peremptorily have to tip-toe through my content, limiting what makes my writing worth reading in the first place; it's uncensored approach at viewing important issues and non-important funnies.

Even worse off than myself and my blog are those of you who use Tumblr. Unless you can prove to the US Gov't, in an official setting, that the photo's on your Tumblr are your own creative content, your Tumblr could not only be shut down, but you may be criminally charged with content theft if you refuse to take said content off of your site. Yes, this is exactly as scary as it sounds.

This is the worst kind of censorship: the kind that let's the Gov't make decisions on a whim, the kind that let's someone point a finger at their neighbour and say "they stole my idea", except in this case it isn't a neighbour, it could be another blogger claiming copyright theft, or on a much larger scale, a photographer taking down half of Tumblr because they claim first rights to owning a photo.

If I wanted to claim copyright infringement on my content all I would have to do is fill out a notice and send it to the US Gov't where it would be viewed and processed. After the processing, a notice would be sent to the website that I had claimed was committing the offence and then the site would have ONLY five days to remove said content. If they do not comply within 5 days (which is reasonable to assume they won't, do you think a company the size of Google reacts THAT quickly to a request?), they are subject to the full wrath of the SOPA/PIPA bill's power. The US Gov't doesn't even check to see if there is content infringement happening before demanding the content be removed. Like I wrote earlier, the ownness of providing innocence falls on the accused.

The last and most valid point is this: If SOPA blacklists websites, they will be forced to create new ways to be accessed. These new ways will not be as safe or secure as the current domain accessing system we use now, opening the door to a whole new level of hacking and web-attacks -- the amateur, and most lethal kind. If security is lessened, any idiot with basic knowledge of internet security will be able to breach and attack any site, and any user traffic on that site. The SOPA/PIPA bill's will attempt to fortify security, but in reality they will only lessen it through ambiguously written terms and poorly thought-out enforcement measures.

This bill must be stopped: show your solidarity to those standing against it by blacking out your web page from 8am-8pm January 18th. We must not allow this appeasement to our freedom of expression and speech, this bill must be stopped.

And as always ladies and gentlemen's of the interwebs, fuck censorship.

11 Worst Lyrics in Music History Part 2!

2012-01-13T20:14:00.003-05:00

This is Part 2 (for part one, click here!) of my worst lyrics in music history list, 11 more of the worst lyrics in music history. Enjoy!

Thank You - Alanis Morissette

"How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up"

This is unmistakeably the worst opening line ever in pop music history. What does it even mean to be "full up"? Someone needs to teach Alanis some basic English grammar, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. This song was the first single off of her follow up album to the smash hit "Jagged Little Pill" but like her previous album; this one sucked. It also signalled the end of her career in music. And thankfully it did because once a musician starts singing about their everyday things like prescription medications and eating too much; it is time for them to retire (here's looking at you, Nickelback).

Oh, so that's what it means to be "full up"

Rock Star - Nickelback

"Well, we all just wanna be big rockstars,
and live in hilltop houses drivin' fifteen cars,
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap...
...hey, hey, I wanna be a rock star!"

We know you do, Chad, we know. But as a real rock star once gracefully wrote, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need." Chad Kroeger hasn't yet received what he needs because unfortunately they outlawed lobotomies several years ago. That being said, the trite dribble that Chad Kroeger passes off as "lyrics" may very well convince you that he has already had a lobotomy.

"Am I a rock star yet?"

Letting Go (Dutty Love) - Sean Kingston

"Don't be scared girl, call on me,

'Cause me, I want you for my eyes I'm a lover, you see,

And the way you ah wine and the way you are gwan,

They say the man I'ma try for rush they pray non-stop."

Sean Kingston wants your eyes, just like the vagina-faced monster from Jeepers Creepers. The best part of these lyrics must be Sean Kingston using Patois (the Jamaican slang of Creole) to appear as "Jamaican" to a North American audience. Sure he might have been born in Jamaica, but he embodies Jamaican culture about as well as religious bigots embody morality.

Sean Kingston's obesity is obvious proof that he grew up in the starving, impoverished slums of Jamaica.

Friday - Rebecca Black

"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday,
Today it is Friday, Friday,
We-we-we so excited,
We so excited,
We gonna have a ball today!"

With lyrics like these she will be regarded as our generation's "Black Plague". Could you imagine if the bus had actually come? She would've had a fucking aneurysm trying to decide which seat to take. Making these Rebecca Black jokes is fun...fun fun fun. I was in such a rush at 7am this morning eating my cereal and trying to be fresh that I was worried I wouldn't have time to write these jokes. Remember the creepy black man who raps in the music video? Did anybody stop to wonder why a grown man was on his way to a party with 14-year-old children? I know she's only 14, but that doesn't excuse her from ruining our favourite day of the week.

"I feel like the Rosa Parks of my generation, I just can't decide where to sit" - Rebecca Black

Your Song - Elton John

"If I was a sculptor,
but then again, no."

Elton, it is not normal human behaviour to tell people things you don't want to be. If it's supposed to be a song for somebody else (Your Song), why are you talking about yourself? Sloppy form, Elton, sloppy form indeed.

In Elton's defence, he doesn't need lyrical genius because he is very photogenic.

Whenever, Wherever - Shakira

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
so you don't confuse them for mountains."

Has anybody ever confused breasts for mountains? Is this a legitimate thing that happens on such a regular basis that you needed to include it in a song, Shakira? To be fair, when listening to the song you can't actually make out a single-fucking-word so it really doesn't matter all that much.

Pictured above: Breasts

21 Questions - 50 Cent

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake."

I think I saw that on a Hallmark card once. At least if his career ever crashes and burns (I mean more than it already has) he can fall back on writing cheesy holiday cards.

50 Cent: Living proof that money can't buy you class (or a proper hat, evidently)

Necrophiliac - Slayer

"Relentless lust of rotting flesh,
to thrash the tomb she lies,
Heathen whore of Satan's wrath,
I spit at your demise"

While listening to this song earlier I thought to myself "heh, this reminds me of a poem I once wrote about an ex-girlfriend." My failed relationships aside, who else could listen to these lyrics and think "man, I can totally relate"? I just can't imagine there is much of a corpse-raping, spitting-on-heathen-whores audience out there...Seriously, I worry for your health if you look to Slayer's music for emotional support.

Slayer: writing romance songs since 1981

Ironic - Alanis Morissette

"It's like rain on your wedding day,
a free ride and you've already paid,
it's the good advice, that you just didn't take,
and who would've thought, it figures?"

Alanis is back, and this time, she's mad! Why is she mad? Well, wouldn't you be pissed if you wrote an entire song's lyrics trying to list ironic situations only to later realize that not a single fucking lyric in your song depicts irony? In fact, the only ironic part of this song is that it is called "Ironic" but fails to list a single instance of irony. Now there is some irony for you!

No picture has ever begged more for Photoshop's touch in the history of the Internet

A Horse With No Name - America

"The first thing I met, was a fly with a buzz.
And the sky with no clouds.
The heat was hot, and the ground was dry,
but the air was full of sound."

"The heat was hot"? How much heroin do you have to do before you start describing heat as being hot? For those who don't know, a 'horse with no name' is a slang term for heroin (also known as "horse"). This song isn't just about heroin, it's lyrics are powered solely by heroin.

America, wearing jackets because "the cold was cool" the day the photograph was taken.

Time (Clock of the Heart) - Culture Club

"Time is like a clock in my heart"

Time is like a clock? I wonder if maybe that is because time is measured by fucking clocks.

This is Boy George, the front man(woman?) for Culture Club. That joke writes itself.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment, or head on over to my twitter page (https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul) to continue loling.

Be Inspired

2012-01-11T16:57:00.002-05:00

Inspiration can be a tricky thing to come by. As humans, we are so easily influenced by those around us that it ends up holding us back from the things that matter most to us. Remember that people will try to control your life with their ideas and judgements. Don't let someone else run your life; they don't do the dying for you in your moment of death, so why do you let them do the living for you? You must remember that people rarely understand what they are talking about in general, and when discussing your dreams they never know what is best. After all, we live in a world where people have decided that the smart and nice among us are called freaks and nerds while the stupid and mean are called cool and desirable; so don't be afraid to second-guess someone else's logic. G.K. Chesterton once wrote that "fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten".

Here are some questions and thoughts to get you inspired and thinking about where you are and where you want to be.

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
Stop acting your age and start acting your shoe size.

2. If not now, then when?
Time is not a renewable resource.

3. When was the last time you've done something that is worth remembering?
'Someday' is not a day of the week.

4. Who or what are in you love with and what are you doing about it?
If your opportunity hasn't yet come knocking, maybe it's time to find a new door.

5. Do you celebrate the things you do have?
Don't forget to appreciate and hold value to what/who you already have in your life.

6. When was the last time you tried something new?
Try a new food, new drink, new book, new genre of music, new sex position, new adventure.

7. Which activities make you lose track of time?
Do more of what makes you happy and if you can't get something out of your mind then maybe that's exactly where it's supposed to be! If you're not happy where you are then change locales. If the world were a book, people who do not travel have read only a page.

8. What's the difference between living and existing, and which one are you doing?
Stop drifting through your life, start living it. Life's a journey, not a destination.

9. Are you too hard on yourself that it causes you to fail before you've even tried?
When you speak to yourself, try imagining that it's actually a friend saying things to you. If you are offended by what you are hearing, cut those thoughts out and replace them with positive ones. Love yourself, it's the hardest thing that you'll ever do.

10. What would you regret not fully doing, being, having in your life?
If you want something as bad as you want your next breath then nothing will stop you from getting it.

Once you've answered those questions the next step is to use your answers to help focus your thoughts. Concentrate on what you really want: is it academic success, career success, travel related, romantic? When you've decided, write it down. Be as specific as you can possibly be! We often fail when we are vague because we leave too much room to wiggle out of commitments we've made to ourselves.

In order to remain inspired, contemplate the following pieces of advice:

1. You can't Google how someone feels about you. If you want to know how someone feels about you, just ask.

2. Unrealistic goals are rarely achieved. Not because they are impossible, but because you are afraid to make them become real. The scary part of setting a goal isn't when you set it too high, but when you set it too low.

3. Let people talk about you all they want. Small people talk about other people. Average people talk about things. You, a great person, are going to talk about ideas.

4. Remember that everybody gets insecure. From the most successful business owner to the man sweeping the floors at night, insecurity is inside of us all.

5. Nothing that's easy is worth doing. Keep in mind that even the biggest dreams can be accomplished if you are only first willing to put in the effort.

6. Remember to be creative! As boring as you might sometimes feel, you are infinitely interesting and original. You have 33 billion neurons inside your brain, helping you think; that means that you are a creative, brilliant person.

7. You can overcome any obstacle. You have already beaten the odds. Already in your life you have progressed through hardship, been knocked down, lost faith, lost hope and had your trust betrayed but you are still here, reading this and looking for inspiration. Isn't that enough convincing of your own personal strength, to realize that despite all the ass-kicking's you've encountered, you've still endured? If that doesn't deserve a smile and a congratulations then what does?

8. Don't be afraid to take risks! It rings forever true that the most successful and influential people were also the most eccentric and daring people, don't hold back!

9. Always say exactly what is on your mind, even if your voice shakes. Sober thoughts are drunk words; save yourself a hangover and just say what you need to say in the first place. Weak people will be taken aback by your strength and conviction but strong people will respect you for it.

10. Stop being afraid that your life will end, start worrying that it may never begin. You have, at least once in your life, been guilty of not doing something you really wanted to do because of fear. Here is a newsflash: you're going to die. Get on that plane, base-jump off that cliff, snowboard down that mountain, look that special someone in the eyes and tell them exactly why you love them. Whatever it is you want to do, do it!

Be yourself. Be smart. Be creative. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be silly. Be the version of yourself that you are when no one is looking, all the time. Be ugly or pretty, it doesn't matter, just make sure you are always doing beautiful things. Believe in yourself first and foremost and others will soon believe in you too. Be inspired.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment, or head on over to my twitter page (https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul) to get in touch (and have some laughs)

My Intolerance of Religion

2012-01-03T21:17:00.003-05:00

When I was young I used to attend Roman Catholic St Teresa of Avila church. I went to a strict Roman Catholic primary school, grades kindergarten to eight. I lived in a small town with a population of 11,000 people that housed fourteen churches, one arena, and one pool so heavily chlorinated that if the chlorine didn't cause an allergic rash; the other children's pee certainly did. The town was boring, filled with backwards and simple-minded people, and if you didn't play hockey or attend a youth group then you didn't exist, at least socially speaking.

It wasn't just that you didn't exist or had a harder time making friends, it also meant that you were viewed as different. By different, I mean bad, or worse than everyone else, substandard, second-class. Why wouldn't they view the non-hockey playing, non-church loving enthusiasts as inferior? After all, if someone doesn't like hockey or church they are obviously insane. That is the mentality of the majority of the people in the town I grew up in. For further proof, the High School I attended (public, not private or religious) was split into cliques. Not by gangs or ethnicity, but by belief systems (of the religious kind). Youth groups kept a clear segregation from the non-religious folk (which also meant those devilish teens who attended parties), and if one of those members should suddenly make a new friend, change in any way (such as growing into their sexual maturity) or deviate from their accepted norms in any way, they were promptly ousted.

We always prayed before dinner at home and were told that we could pray when we needed God, he would always be there for us. We were told that serving God was an appropriate way to lead our life, that if we didn't praise and worship him, we would face severe consequences. I always found it strange how someone who apparently loved me so much wanted nothing more than to damn me to hell for the smallest crimes. It didn't take long for me to start to question these commands. I remember studying the Ten Commandments and getting really confused as to why God compared women to property, horse or oxen. After all, I was around 16 at the time and I freakin' loved the opposite sex! Why would God not want me to act on the primordial impulses I felt? Didn't he put them inside of me in the first place? Shouldn't I enjoy that butterfly feeling that blossomed in the pit of my stomach when flirting with a pretty girl in class? I didn't think much of it at first. I guess I was like everybody else, I took what worked for me and threw the rest out. Wrote it all off to the fact that times have changed, so only a few of the Commandments were still relevant in this day and age.

Then it all came crashing down when an incandescent, young but brilliant spark of light was suddenly snuffed out. It was the first time in my life that my mind was unable to reason my way through a problem. I had faced hardship before, but nothing that I couldn't use my wits to get through. So I prayed. I prayed, again. I prayed so much for the people hurting the most that if I prayed anymore I wouldn't have slept or ate. I used to even pray with people, for the first time in years I felt that if God was there, now was his time to step-up. After all, I hadn't complained once, or scolded him at all during my life. My life that was filled with as many messed up situations as anybody else, yet unlike so many other people, I never grew bitter or cold. I had always felt comfortable believing it was part of a plan. But this was different, I felt that I was owed some explanation.

I felt that if there was a God, he had some serious explaining to do. He didn't explain. He didn't even give the people who needed him the most the comfort or concern they deserved. He sat upon high, listening in to the horrific wails of a mother in mourning. No, she wasn't yet in mourning, the shock of the death of her child was still far too sharp of a sting for a human mind to fully absorb so quickly. That sound is a sound that even an omnipotent, all-powerful being could not withstand. For those of you who don't believe me, it's because you're fortunate enough to never have heard such a terrible cacophony, and I hope you never do.

After that I started to really question religion and faith in God. I even signed up for more sociology and psychology classes the following year just to delve deeper into the mystery (we didn't have philosophy). When it was time to move on from High School and become an 'adult', I finally realized why I even gave religion the time of day in the first place - because it was what everybody else was doing. This thought reminded me of how much, and why, I hated school in the first place. No matter how hard you tried to be an individual, there was just too much pressure around you forcing you to try to fit in, and if you attempted rebellion, you just looked like all the other kids who followed that same boring routine before you. I was old enough to realize I wanted to be my own person, but not yet old enough to understand that true rebellion happens in the mind, just as individualism does. That's High School for you, I guess.

So then I started to really do my research. From books written swearing that God exists to other books saying exactly the opposite. I wanted to know the entire story. I even read the bible! (Old Testament twice and New Testament once, plus multiple study sessions focusing on specific books within them both.) I even went further back, into Egyptian beliefs, Jewish texts, Nordic mythology et cetera. After all that studying I was convinced that either there is no God, or if there ever was, he lost interest in our affairs a very long time ago. This 'living Jesus Christ' that I heard so much about was a myth, another fairy tale to help people get through their average, boring, shitty lives.

I can't say for certain that there is no God, but I can say with 100% certitude that God or no God, man has never worshiped anything but himself. Over the last few years I have confirmed a thought that used to be so faint and is now one of the biggest in my mind, so big I feel like it could burst out at any minute; that religion has yet to have a positive influence on any human being thus far in our history. Humans have always been capable of terrible things, and also wonderful things -- with or without religion. The problem is that good people will do good things while evil people will do evil things, but if you want a good person to do an evil thing, you need to introduce them to religion. Further proof of this is found easily in so many examples throughout history but the most recent and relevant would be the current Pope excusing the rape and systematic torture of children over the past few decades, the Muslims telling young children that they will get a seat at their God's side if they blow themselves up in a room full of innocents in pursuit of the Holy War's objectives, Sunni's and Shi'ites hating one another and viewing each other as subhuman in Afghanistan, manipulation of the populations belief's in Uganda, Darfur, Rwanda and an extensive list of other countries where genocide and hate crimes are occurring in a very horrifying cycle right this very instance.

More important than all the negative religion has caused, the hate crimes, the suppression of free thinking people, women, GLBT individuals, are the people who have never let their thought patterns be influenced by it. The Atheists, Non-believers, Free Thinkers, Humanists, Anti-theists -- the most important minorities on the planet right now. When an Islamic Fundamentalist detonates a bomb inside a Jewish Mosque, an Atheist writes the paper explaining the simple solutions to end the hate. When a boy is bullied for being bisexual, or gay, or even straight but flamboyant, the religious bigots and narrow-minded are not the ones who stick up for him -- it's the Atheists. The people who understand that all we have are each other are the most important. Atheists are invaluable because we aren't waiting for a better life in the clouds, we make the best of what we have right here on Earth. Non-religious people fully understand the importance of humanity and believe that society is not something to be scorned, but embraced.

How could I not support something that makes so much sense? The rest of the world is tearing itself apart over something I no longer believed in and there were a handful of brilliant thinkers, scientists, writers, journalists and very rarely, political leaders, who are willing to focus on what matters the most; humanity. Life is people; that's it, that's all. You are nothing without the people that exist with you. Your job is irrelevant, your words, your music, your thoughts, they would all mean nothing if it wasn't for the other people on this Earth sharing it/them with you. Can we all agree that it is high time to recognize this irrefutable fact?

So my intolerance of religion is summed up by the fact that I am unable to respect something that tells me I am guilty of being myself, a human being. I am given free will, but not allowed to use it. I am born in sin, yet have done nothing wrong. I have an eternal parent, who wishes nothing but to bring death upon me. I have the ability to help others, but I owe the act to someone who has no part in it. I might commit a crime, but I can escape consequence through scapegoating it onto a saviour who absolves me of responsibility. I am told to love my fellow man, yet hate those who are different. I refuse to participate in this insanity and I encourage you all to do the same. I promise you will find life to be longer, more beautiful and above all else, the connection you make with other people will be more worthwhile than you could have ever imagined. Stop pondering the question of 'why are we here?' because the answer is all around you, it's called your fellow humans: Your family, your friends, even your boss that you probably hate, your employees that piss you off, the people making the music you adore, the actors and actresses playing your favourite roles. Life is humanity, humanity gives us reason for life. It's the only reason we've ever needed to exist and be kind to one another. Enjoy it while you can, it won't last forever.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

Most Notable Deaths of 2011

2011-12-29T14:11:00.000-05:00

These are in no particular order - they are (mostly) all equally important. Some of you will notice I didn't include Amy Whinehouse on this list, that is because I don't find her death notable. Junkies die everyday, maybe instead of saying "no, no, no" she should have just said "yes" when they tried to make her go to 'Rehab'.

Vaclav Havel:

Vaclav Havel was the first president of the Czech Republic. He assisted the resistance movement during the invasion of his country and later in life became the first president of the Czech people. Havel was at the front of the human rights movement his entire life and will forever be remembered by not only the Czech people but also by many other Europeans for his lifelong commitment to equality and freedom.

Vaclav Havel October 5th 1936 - December 18th 2011

Osama bin Laden:

Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden was the leader/founder of the Islamist militant group known as Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda was responsible for several mass-murders, including the September 11th 2001 terrorist attack on the United States. Although most know him as a fugitive of Afghanistan, Osama bin Laden was born in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. He had 6 wives and has been said to have fathered between 20-26 children. The man was responsible for death and destruction worldwide, which was an ironic thing considering his self-proclaimed reason for being such a religious fanatic and jihadist was that "foreign oppression kills my people and destroys our homes" -- a statement he had made on more than one occasion. On May 2nd of this year, CIA operatives and Navy Seal Team Six assaulted his private compound in the mountains of Pakistan, where they shot and killed him. Being the heroic leader that he was, he took one of his wives and used her as a human shield, placing her between himself and the US soldiers. Al Qaeda admitted his death four days later, ending a short-lived controversy of the world's skepticism as to whether or not Osama bin Laden was actually dead. A fitting end for a cowardly leader who ran and hid from real battle, prolonging his life long enough to cause the US to occupy two countries in the search for him and launch a special operation in a third country to finally send him to his Heaven where 72 fat, World of Warcraft playing virgins are awaiting his arrival.

Osama bin Laden, seen here performing karaoke, was killed May 2nd 2011 and nobody really gives a shit when he was born so I'm not going to list it.

Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il was the 'Supreme Leader' (dictator, that was just one of the many names he gave himself) of North Korea. Under his rule, the people of N.K. suffered, starved and lived in poverty-stricken locations while Kim Jong spent upwards to 800,000 dollars a year on Cognac alone, among other things. The man was weird, having kidnapped a South Korean filmmaker and his wife to do his own version of his favourite movie; Godzilla, having his media lie to the population on several occasions saying things such as him golfing 36 under par with 18 hole-in-ones et cetera. Kim Jong was a notable death mainly because a lot of people seemed to somehow not know who he was, despite the fact that he was one of the United States biggest threats, having threatened the use of nuclear arms on multiple occasions. When Kim Jong Il died, the jokes started flying and rather than give more of a synopsis of his shitty, theatrical life, I'd rather share some of my personal favourite jokes:

1) Kim Jong Il's biggest regret in life was not fulfilling his true potential as Kim Jong Healthy.
2) North Korean's are going to commemorate Kim Jong's passing by staging a hunger strike...that began 50 years ago.
3) In lieu of flowers Kim Jong's family has asked that you please starve a person to death in his memory.
4) There are more "Kim Jong Il" jokes being produced than their is food in North Korea.
5) North Koreans are currently describing Kim Jong Il as "dead" and "delicious"
6) North Koreans only attended Kim Jong Il's funeral because they heard there were going to be sandwiches.
7) I can only imagine the forced emotions the people of Korea are feeling right now with Kim Jong's passing.
8) Apparently Kim Jong's death brought a wave of sadness and despair, or as North Koreans call it, "Tuesday".
9) Thanks to Facebook and Twitter we have made every Kim Jong Il joke possible. I'm sure the people of North Korea will appreciate it, if they ever get the internet.

This is Kim Jong Il looking at a piece of corn. Official statement of his death was that he died at the age of 21 and will be flying to Heaven all by himself, despite being ronery, oh so ronery.

Steve Jobs:

Steve Jobs is considered to be one of the pioneers of the personal computer revolution. Only in the first world could a revolution be defined via everyone owning a personal computer, but I digress. He assisted in inventing a large amount of Apple's most successful products which has directly caused many people I used to like to turn into self-entitled dickheads who brag about their phone. His greatest accomplishment by far was creating Pixar Animation Studios which went on to create Toy Story. If you don't know what Toy Story is then click the big red 'X' at the top right of your web page, right now. Steve Jobs was seemingly a hard-working family man and so naturally when he died the world was a bit taken aback. The absurd amount of media coverage his death received really speaks volumes about how pathetic our way of life is, when one man dies and millions of Apple-product-toting dickheads cry, but everyday the money we spend on these materialistic unnecessary piece-of-shit phones and effeminately named iPad's could be saving millions of people - people that nobody cries about.

Steve Jobs February 24th 1955 -- October 5th 2011

Muammar Gaddafi:

Gaddafi was a ruthless dictator who took power during a bloody coup in 1969. During his tyrannical reign he was responsible for abolishing the Libyan constitution, which he replaced with a guide of his own political ideals. Gaddafi was responsible for terrorism against his own people and abroad, such as bringing down a France Airlines flight in 1989. He oppressed his people during his long rule until revolutions in neighbouring countries of Egypt and Tunisia inspired the Libyan people to rise up and revolt. After months of fighting, with NATO forces assisting the rebels, Gaddafi was captured and killed. His body was then put on display for any and all who wanted to come stare at his maimed corpse. Taking a tyrant and executing him without fair trial and then maiming his corpse while publicly displaying it should be a good indicator of just how little progress the people of Libya have made in overthrowing their previous leader. If all behaviour is learned then it's a safe bet that by being oppressed, his underlings will know no better when it's their turn to seize power. The western media portrayed the revolution as just and glamorous, a downtrodden people taking what is rightfully their's. The actual truth may not be so clean and cut, and despite the world ridding itself of yet another evil tyrant in 2011, the troubles of the Libyan people are decades from being over.

Someone should tell him that wearing a picture of your family on your military suit is a fashion faux pas.

Ryan Dunn:

Ryan Dunn was an American daredevil who, with the help of the Jackass and CKY crew, redefined entertainment with their own unique brand of hilarious and often obnoxious stunts. Ryan Dunn was featured in all three Jackass films, played the main character in the 2003 film "Haggard" and co-hosted Viva la Bam and hosted Homewrecker and Proving Ground. He died at the age of 34 in what the media called "an alcohol-related accident" which is the bullshit, politically correct way of saying drunk driving. A brilliant young showman and daredevil killed because despite his small fortune, he obviously didn't feel like paying for a cab ride. Ryan Dunn was an underrated talent and will definitely be missed by all those with a sense of humour, and scorned by everyone lacking one. (The Religious Right-wing)

This man was part of the greatest, most entertaining group of idiots known to man. Rest in Peace.

Patrice O'neal:

Patrice was the type of comedian we need the most -- fearless. Describing the hilarious differences between blacks and whites, letting us know that while racism is wrong, differences between races can be hilarious. The best way to describe this man would be to let you watch this video describing how to tell how pretty a white woman is.

Patrice Oneal - Like a bawse! "If I ever go fishing I'm going to take a cute white baby with me, that way if the boat tips they'll find me for sure!"

Christopher Hitchens:

Christopher Hitchens was the greatest journalist, author and orator of our lifetime. If you are alive and reading this right now, you can proudly say to yourself "I lived when Christopher Hitchens lived." He was an incomparable critic, masterful rhetorician, fiery wit and fearless bon vivant. He was more hilarious, engaged, intelligent and observant than anyone else, at the end and for the last four decades. As the writer of several books, most notably his best-seller "God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything", a journalist, columnist for Vanity Fair and Slate, as well as a fearless orator and skilled debater who never backed down from a chance to show the absurdity and immorality of religious thought. He was the greatest writer of our time and his video-recorded debates and written pieces will be held in high esteem for centuries to come, just like his biggest influences (Socrates and Jefferson). His words have helped push back the tide of religious fundamentalism, have opened millions of eyes worldwide to the dangers of Islamist fascism, and he has done more good in this world than any religious person, ever, to date. Which shows precisely what he said so eloquently all these years; you do not need religion to be a morally right individual.

Christopher Hitchens April 13th 1949 - December 15th 2011. Pictured here with his cigarettes and the smokiest of scotch, Johnny Walker. For more on the Hitch, including a brief summation of his best quotes, click here.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-21T04:48:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers,

Christmas is pure, unadulterated bullshit. It always has been and unless we do something about it's current state, it always will be. The reason for this dates back far beyond the days of over-commercialization of products and the selling of our value systems to turn a profit. The origins indeed date back to before we began stomping people to death in big box stores for a Tickle Me Elmo, before we were told that the best gift for her is an expensive piece of blood-diamond embedded jewelry or that we must get the best deal on a television so large it could be misinterpreted for your wall by a person from a less fortunate country.

It started as a festival of praise and caring, was later adapted (stolen, bastardized) by power hungry Christians trying to spread and take over anything and everything, and finally has landed here in modern-day North America as a tradition where we tell the story of a fat man who owns only one pair of clothing and is too lazy to shave his unkempt, shabby beard. A man who commits multiple break-and-enter felonies, leaves meaningless material possessions under a tree we cut down to put in our homes, then eats our food and exits. Continuing the tradition, we believe that this man flies around the world in a sleigh pulled by magical reindeer who were named after strippers (with the exception of Rudolph), giving all the good people presents and leaving naught but a lump of coal for the naughty ones. I guess Africa must be full of bad people because Santa appears to fly over (and probably flip off) that continent each year. Does that mean that the poorer you are, the less important you are? It must...

We teach our kids that presents are what matter and that if they aren't good all year, the fat pedophile who wants our kids in his lap to 'tell Santa what they want' won't make his elf-slaves build them the toys they want. Toys and other things that almost always are rendered inexplicably useless less than a month later when the next trendy product is released. So after we are done using fear as the motivator for good behaviour, we teach them that as long as it benefits us, slave-labour is perfectly acceptable (this can be seen in 90% of the clothing that we wear). Is it any wonder we are a society of useless, whining, sniveling, self-absorbed gimmie gimmies? It's been bred into us our entire lives! As long as the good stuff is given to us as easily as possible while the bad stuff like slave-labour and the massive waste our lifestyles generate is kept out-of-sight and out-of-mind then we are happy. Christmas is a shining example of this, and I will refer to it as Christmas mostly because I want to be concise in what I am referring to. (Also because I celebrate the holiday of Christmas, just not in it's ripped off religious reference, or in it's commercialized bought and sold style, either)

This is how I view Christmas currently:

Christmas should be about taking the time to slow down your life and (re)connect with the people who matter the most. What it is in actuality is a time to speed up, add more stress to our lives through financial and time-management strain, and reinforce materialistic values and consumer culture.

Christmas should let you enjoy yourself with your loved ones, not entertain those who only wish to judge or belittle your familial efforts.

Christmas should give you a sense of fulfillment as you build bonds with those who matter most, as you give unselfishly of yourself to the world around you, not a time to judge others and compare gifts.

Christmas should be about being kind and courteous to one another, not stomping them to fucking death so you can get your shitty kid a new laptop on Black Friday.

Christmas, like every other day should be about connecting with humans and taking the time out of your day to show the people around you that you appreciate them, not scorning family and gossiping about who received the trendiest gifts.

Christmas should be recognized for what it is meant to be; a time to relax, see old friends, take a few days off work, be cheerful, have lots of sex, and then maybe spend time with your loved ones (not necessarily in that order, of course).

Christmas needs to be recognized for what it is currently: a celebration of our rotted and corrupt value system. A system that uses religion to perpetuate greed -- our true religion in this country. A system that tells people that their value can (and will) be determined by the price of the gift that we give them/receive from them, not by the content of their character. A system that allows humanity to serve wealth, rather than wealth to serve humanity. It's a celebration that tells us to pray to a dead middle eastern man whom if were still alive, we as a white Christian population, would certainly mistrust and not allow into our country without an extensive security check (but we would still complain about his brown presence, because he is "invading our country"). A celebration that says "be nice to each other, not because it's what you know you should do, but because tomorrow morning they're giving you a gift". A time of the year when it's acceptable to scorn other religious beliefs and in the next breath complain that your own aren't being treated fairly and given ample public recognition. A time of year where we think letting someone cut in front of us in the roundabout is an act of kindness, while we ignore the homeless people we are currently driving by. Ask yourself, is this what you want to celebrate?

Until we recognize Christmas for what it is, and give it a complete overhaul, it will only get worse. I am opting out of Christmas this year to actively protest the sad state it is in due to the commercialized and religious aspects of the holiday. If you want to give a really meaningful gift this year, put your wallet away and have a conversation with someone you care about. That means sitting down and being open-minded to what they are saying, without checking your cell phone and text messaging. If you can't put your phone away, then text LOVE to 30333 to support Kids Help Phone and the Love is Louder anti-bullying campaign. If you really want to be amazing, do both of those! Friendship and supporting other humans will certainly put you on the right track to celebrating what is in my opinion, what the holidays are all about.

Thank you all and have a safe holiday season,
-Me

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

25 Fun Facts You Didn't Know About Christmas!

2011-12-21T03:35:00.001-05:00

These are some fun and interesting facts about Christmas I've collected. Enjoy, and have a very merry holiday season filled with getting drunk and slapping hookers, or whatever it is you crazy kids are into these days.

1) The word Christmas is Old English, a contraction of Christ's Mass. (Cristes Maesse)

2) Scientists in America calculated that Santa would have to visit 822 homes per second to deliver everyone's presents worldwide in one night. That means Santa would have to travel 650 MPH.

3) The phrase "War on Christmas" originated during an interview on CNN between Christopher Hitchens and Mat Staver. The conversation, centered around the right of Christians celebrating Christmas inside of government buildings, was captioned with the headline "War on Christmas". The controversy is still on-going, mostly perpetuated by the media and false word of mouth.

4) Iceland doesn't have just one Santa, they have thirteen. Starting on December 12th, they begin to come down from the mountains one-by-one, leaving gifts for the children. One of their names translates in English to "Door Sniffer" and another one to "Meat Hook".

5) Christmas is not the literal celebration of Jesus Christ's birth. If it were, celebrations of Christmas would be sometime between March 28th and April 13th. (The time after Herod the Great died, but before The Passover is the most accurate historians are able to be to his exact birth.)

6) The poem "The Night Before Christmas" was originally entitled "A Visit From Saint Nicolas" and was written by Clement Moore for his children and guests during a Christmas party. One of the guests anonymously sent it to a New York newspaper for publication and the rest is history.

7) Christmas originated from two much older holidays; one celebrating the increase of sunlight, paying tribute to the Roman Sun God, and the other was to close the Pagan tradition of one week of lawlessness, which ended on the 25th of December. When Christianity was declared the official religion of Rome by the Emperor Constantine, Christians attempted to assimilate the two most celebrated holidays into one, in order to make the transition into Christianity easier on the population.

8) Rudolph was actually created during the late 1930's for a holiday promotion.

9) The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe is a Pagan tradition. The Pagans thought the white, sticky substance that oozes from the berries that grows on mistletoe were droplets of sperm from the Pagan God Baal. Pagans would hang the mistletoe to increase their chances of conceiving a child. So when you're kissing under the mistletoe you're actually a few inches away from a God's jizz droplets and when men make jokes about hanging it just above their crotch, they're not really that far off the core truth of the tradition.

10) If you added up all the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" you would be left with 364 gifts.

11) Just like with mistletoe, holly as a Christmas decoration stems from a Pagan tradition. The red that grows on holly plants was thought to be the menstrual blood of the Goddess of Heaven, Diana. Sort of like the modern day Christian story of the red berries being droplets of Christ's blood, the only difference is Christians like drinking the blood of Christ each Sunday, whereas they don't drink menstrual blood nearly as frequently.

12) The date of December 25th being Jesus Christ's day of birth wasn't chosen until the year 440 AD, when leaders of the church declared it to be so.

13) The approximate amount of US dollars made from pictures with Santa Clauses throughout US malls is $2,255,750,000.

14) Christmas trees were a phallic symbol, again, thought to increase chances of conceiving children. Those Pagans just wanted to settle down and have kids as soon as possible. They were practically Christians before Christians existed, evidently.

15) Contrary to popular belief, poinsettia plants are non-toxic. Holly berries are very poisonous however.

16) Four million tonnes of trash are generated from Christmas gift wrap and holiday bags annually in North America.

17) The idea of elves comes from "nature folk", which were worshiped by the Pagans.

18) Spoiled Christmas leftovers are responsible for over 400,000 cases of post-Christmas related hospital visits.

19) In 1643, the British parliament officially banished the holiday of Christmas. Puritan leaders believed that indulging on such a holy day was immoral.

20) Speaking of Puritans! In America, Puritans tried to make Thanksgiving the biggest holiday of the year. They failed, likely due to the fact that people enjoy getting gifts more than entertaining in-laws over turkey dinner, and the fact that nobody cares about Puritanism, except the Puritans.

21) Before turkey, a pig's head with mustard was the traditional Christmas dinner in England.

22) The idea of saying "Happy" as opposed to "Merry" Christmas comes from Austrian priests, who feel that "Merry" is associated with getting drunk.

23) Christmas dinner in Japan is almost always KFC dinner. It is so popular in Japan that reservations have to be made months in advance just to eat in a KFC restaurant on Christmas Eve.

24) In 1752, 11 days were dropped from the calender due to the switch from the Julian calender to the Gregorian calender. Some church sects, known as 'Old Calenderists', still celebrate Christmas on January 7th.

25) During the Christmas of 1914, an unofficial Christmas truce was formed between Allied and Axis forces. For a week leading up to Christmas, troops on both sides of the trenches in WWI would exchange Christmas greetings. It climaxed Christmas Eve when troops bravely walked into 'No Mans Land' to sing Christmas carols to one another and enjoy a night off from the war. This is also, in my opinion, the very last time the true spirit of Christmas was ever recognized and honored on this planet. After Christmas Day, fighting resumed, and the rest is, as they say, history.

A Critique of "30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself"

2011-12-16T19:59:00.000-05:00

There is an article that recently became a hit online that demands 30 things that you stop doing. I always feel that when giving advice it's best to word things positively and to actually advise people, rather than state what they should or should not do. I am going to dismantle this article piece by piece and give my own advice. (The original article can be found here.)

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. - This point tells us that it's inappropriate to spend time with 'the wrong people'. I disagree, I think as we grow up we learn how to act, or not act, based on what we see/experience. A well-rounded person will be able to tell the difference between right and wrong and will never use other people's actions as an excuse for their own behaviour. Stop spending time with the wrong people? No, start being an individual, everyone else will follow suit. Spend your time with whomever you want, and certainly spend the most amount of time possible with all of the wrong people. Rather than stopping spending time with the wrong people, I would recommend (recommend, not demand or order) you to start living life by this motto: "love them when they least deserve it, because that's when they need it the most."

2. Stop running from your problems. - This point could almost be said to make sense, except that in the original article it states that we are meant to get "upset, sad, stumble and fall"...because "That is what ultimately molds us into the person we become." Oh, okay, so adaptation and interpersonal evolution comes from confronting all of your problems rather than side-stepping them? Really? And in situations where authority figures such as teachers or police or bankers or government workers are always right, and you are always wrong, is it appropriate to stand up and make a scene, as opposed to ignore it and go with the flow? Right, that's impenetrable logic if I've ever seen some.

3. Stop lying to yourself. - Here we are told that our first step to taking chances in life is to stop lying to ourselves. Well not only is that a pile of emotional bullshit, it's also completely untrue. People suffering from PTSD, depression, mania disorders, anxiety disorders et cetera (you know, the really difficult yet solvable mental health issues) are not solved by counselors telling people to stop lying to themselves - in fact it's the total opposite. Most issues need to be somewhat watered down inside our minds, otherwise the shock of dealing with these situations shuts us off, turns our emotions against us. The treatment for anxiety, depression and PTSD is a treatment where you have both sides of your brain simultaneously stimulated, such as watching a flashing light board blink lights from left to right, right to left, while you imagine situations where you felt severe emotional trauma. You then change the situation, some examples being to pretend you are a superhero and altogether alter the outcome of the situation for the better. The object of this is to change the synapses in your brain so that your body no longer negatively reacts to the original events that are continuing to cause emotional/mental distress. Therefore, by all means, lie to yourself -- it's what the professionals recommend.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. - Really? How about instead of speaking to the 2% of decent human beings on the planet, you instead tell the other 98% to stop being so bloody selfish. This is one of those points that just encourages people to feel bad for themselves. "Omg, I totally do that! I should go out and indulge myself, maybe buy a new iPhone!" This point is like an internet IQ test, it only tells you what you want to hear in order to keep you hooked. I have my own 'stop' point for this one, it's called 'stop encouraging people to be self-centered, self-entitled, self-absorbed sorry excuses for human beings' and start encouraging them to always remember that someone else nearly always has it worse.

5. Stop trying to be someone you're not. - Firstly this point isn't a bad one, it's just worded poorly, very poorly. It also goes on to tell us that someone will always be better, always be prettier (is this article only for females?), someone will always be smarter. This tells me that it's perfectly okay to give up. Yet success is only achieved when you want something as badly as you want to breathe, so don't give up, somebody has to be the best! If I wrote this article originally I would have included this point, to be fair, except I would have worded it as: "loving yourself is the hardest person you'll ever have to love" and I would have made it point number 1, because it's undoubtedly the most potent and important.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. - "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one" is what the article says. Well, this type of mentality makes me sick to my stomach. A few nights ago I overheard some middle-aged people having a conversation about a local man, aged 21, who recently died in a vehicular collision. It was the night after his funeral and they were consoling one of his friends and one lady said, "well you know, sometimes young people have to die so that we can learn to truly appreciate what we have, and how short life is." Tell that to the kid who just had his life ripped away from him. Tell that to his mother and father whose lives are forever ruined because of his tragic death. Look his extended family and close friends in the eyes and tell them that he needed to die, so that they could lead better lives. No, I'm sorry, you must hold onto the past to honor the events, the people, and the places that shape who you are.

7. Stop berating yourself for your past mistakes. - Here we are told that our past struggles don't make us who we are, so we need to let them go. But earlier we were told that our struggles and stumbles and falls made us who we are. Here is an important life tip from yours truly: When writing an article, keep the flow of the article running smoothly by ensuring you do not contradict yourself. Otherwise, people will stop reading, or might lose interest in what you're writing. Remember, easy writing makes for hard reading, and the harder you write, the easier it is for people to read.

8. Stop being scared to make a mistake. Anxiety and stress are healthy, important parts of our lives. By all means, be scared to make a mistake! But still follow through regardless. This point should have said 'follow through regardless of mistakes made'. It is true that you will regret things that you did not do, but it is also true that you can forever regret something you did do. Decisions and actions have consequences, always act accordingly.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. - This point demands of us to stop trying to 'buy happiness' because the things that make us truly happy are 'love, laughter and working on our passions'. Well that's all good, and sure money may not ultimately buy you happiness, but being poor doesn't buy you anything and the American Psychological Association says that financial stress is the number 1 reported worst stress-type on the North American population. A little bit of extra money won't hurt the average, middle-classed family, and anonymously donating some of that money to important charities can make you feel fulfilled and happy. Therefore, money can buy happiness, for hundreds of millions of people around the world.

10. Stop exclusively looking for others for happiness. - Originally I had no issue with this point, it's valid except that it is a demand about how to lead your life and that is never, ever productive. Until of course I thought that instead of telling people to not look to others for happiness, maybe it would be more prudent, since people already do this so often and have a hard time heeding advice; to encourage others to look to others for happiness in a different way. How about if you're struggling and are regularly unhappy, look to others not for support, but to others who are in need of your support. Often you are most empathetic to the people who are struggling with the same things you are. One example would be a community coming together during a time of great tragedy.

11. Stop being idle. - Do you have any real advice on this one? The article tells us to stop being idle, and then basically assaults us for taking time to think about our actions before taking them. Sure, take action, be decisive, but think before you act. This is another point where all the article does is condemn the reader, rather than actually offer advice on things you should not do to yourself.

12. Stop thinking you're not ready. - This is the worst piece of advice so far, hands down. Please, whomever wrote this article, do not ever give this piece of advice to teenagers, or anyone else looking for advice on matters of sexual intimacy, or suicide/depression. This point is infinitely short-sighted and makes me think that whoever wrote this did not edit or re-evaluate their position once during the writing process.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. - This point can be easily scorned because the article proceeds to tell us that "if something is meant to be, it will happen" which is an over-used, cliche, and incorrect sentiment shared among westerners. "If you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be" is another over-used and unnecessary thought for anyone to have. The reason is this: people waste their lives waiting for something to happen, rather than giving in-depth thought, and then taking smart, appropriate action to get what they want out of life. I have never had a relationship form because I sat back and let it happen, and if I had, it would have certainly be destined to fail. Aren't there enough relationships out there where one partner does all the work, from the start to the end, to make my point proven? To be fair, one redemptive quality this point makes is to "fall in love when you're ready, not when you're lonely" - solid advice, and in my opinion should have been the title of point 13, as opposed to the one that currently is.

14. Stop rejecting old relationships just because old ones didn't work out. - This point tells us that everyone we meet, we meet for a reason. Tell that to rape victims.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. - Here we are demanded to stop caring about what others are doing around us. This is an immoral, flaccid, and stupid point. It should have said "competition is a healthy thing, just don't let it consume you". That would have been good advice.

16. Stop being jealous of others. - Here we have a moment of relatively level-headed advice, when compared to the rest of the ridiculous points the article makes. Jealousy is not only unbecoming, but is typically stemming from abandonment disorders or attachment/trust issues. The writer of this point would have done very well to encourage people to ask themselves, "why am I jealous of other people's accomplishments/actions?"

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. - Earlier we were demanded to indulge ourselves and be selfish, and now we are disallowed to do such a thing. I've read 1000 page non-fiction books without a single contradiction and this author couldn't write 30 points without two contradictions?

18. Stop holding grudges. - This point states that by holding grudges we are hurting ourselves more than we are hurting others. "Go ahead and love your enemies, support that moral injunction, I am going to abolish mine. They are the ones who wish to establish a theocratic totalitarian governmental regime" - Christopher Hitchens. This is relevant because sometimes a grudge is justified. Forgiveness may be important to a lot of people, but be sure to not forget why you had to forgive someone in the first place.

19. Stop letting other people bring you down to their levels. - Another excuse-based point that is moot. If you're true to yourself, this type of excuse doesn't exist. If you allow yourself to be brought down then that is just showing how weak you are. Nobody who has half a backbone needs to be told to not let other people bring them down - this point does not need to be on this list, it's irrelevant.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. - In an ideal world you would not have to explain yourself, but thankfully, this is not that world. Explanations have prevented wars; when words are not expressed people are forced to act on emotions, which are never coherent or rational. Explain yourself, take the time, there are always words enough to accurately explain yourself to those who need explanations.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over again without taking a break. - This point later makes a valid reference to the fact that sometimes it is prudent to take a step back and reanalyze things. However, if you want to be successful in life you better be prepared to do the same thing, over, and over, and over, and over again (something this writer previously told us not to do). You will sacrifice sleep, skip meals, and lose a bit of your sanity in the process of achieving your goals. This point shouldn't be on this list, or any other list, unless it's a list titled "stupid life advice from an idiot you should never have taken the time to read".

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. - Here we are told that one day we will look back and notice that the small things were actually the big things, that spending time smiling with the people who matter most are the most important things. Okay, so how is spending time with the people who matter most a small thing? When writing an advice column, it's typically a good idea to stay on topic, from title to explanation.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. - Relatively, this point isn't all that bad. I just feel that it would've been better worded, as was my point from the introduction, if it had given advice. Perhaps, "take a deep breath and accept your best work for what it is" would have appealed a little more.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. - Bam! Correct. The problem is that the writer of this point says that life isn't easy when trying to accomplish something worthwhile. Earlier we were demanded to stop being persistent (doing the same things over and over again), and now we are reading yet -another- contradiction in this article.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't. - This is the only piece here that I don't have an issue with. People need to accept that sometimes they hurt, and crying is a very human action. People judge way too harshly, and way too quickly about how others act. Being upset is okay - that should have been the title of this point. I still think it's counter-productive to say 'Stop' at the beginning of a life tip.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. - The writer tells us that people who blame others for what they are going through in their lives are denying responsibility for their actions and giving other people power over that part of their lives. That may be true, but it should also be noted that sometimes other people are to blame for what is happening to you. You shouldn't let that ruin you, however, and you should always strive to rise above your current situation.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. - Again, the writer is preaching to that little piece of self-absorption we all have inside of us that screams to let us feel accomplished, and special. We all want to be special and sometimes the things we do are special, but that shouldn't be indulged too often. We should never let people be our hair dryers -- blowing smoke up our asses. There is nothing wrong with feeling good, mind you, just make sure you are objective when evaluating just how special of a person you are.

28. Stop worrying so much. - It isn't a bad thought, but keep in mind to always leave thoughts for the 'morrow. Like I mentioned earlier, a bit of anxiety and stress will actually allow an appropriate focusing of your thoughts. If anything, I would like to point out that most people worry too little, or, not at all, about the things that matter the most. Maybe leave the wording how it is in the title, but add "about the things that don't matter".

29. Stop focusing on what you don't want to happen. - This is absurd and irrelevant. Focusing on things that might not happen can be really positive, such as in prevention of tragedies/terrorism/wars/genocide et cetera.

30. Stop being ungrateful. - The writer tells us that "instead of thinking about what you're missing, start thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing". The amount of dicks who have that mentality is unreal. Do we really need to encourage people to be more egotistical? I wouldn't say so.

This article has good motive, but terrible execution. When giving life tips, they should be just that, a tip, a word of advice, not a demand or an order. Reading this article and accepting it at it's face value is selling yourself short, you are smart and insightful, you can certainly do better.

Rest In Peace Christopher Hitchens

2011-12-16T00:53:00.002-05:00

Christopher Hitchens died today, Thursday, December 15th at the age of 62. If you want to know all about his career then Google him, I am not going to give him an autobiography, as he already wrote his own biography. (By the way, do Google him.) I am going to give a list of my favourite quotes of his, they should provoke you, make you think, and if you are a person of faith, likely offend you. Hitchens was my sole inspiration and very likely the only role model I've ever had in my life, certainly the only person I've ever looked up to. He was brilliant and spoke without holding anything back, he pointed out stupidity across the board and the world will certainly be a darker, less-enlightened and undoubtedly a dumber place without him.

Here are my favourite quotes from the infinitely insightful Christopher Hitchens:

“Faith is the surrender of the mind; it's the surrender of reason, it's the surrender of the only thing that makes us different from other mammals. It's our need to believe, and to surrender our skepticism and our reason, our yearning to discard that and put all our trust or faith in someone or something, that is the sinister thing to me. Of all the supposed virtues, faith must be the most overrated.”

“Religious exhortation and telling people, telling children, that if they don’t do the right thing, they’ll go to terrifying punishments or unbelievable rewards, that’s making a living out of lying to children. That’s what the priesthood do. And if all they did was lie to the children, it would be bad enough. But they rape them and torture them and then hope we’ll call it ‘abuse’.”

"[Mother Teresa] was not a friend of the poor. She was a friend of poverty. She said that suffering was a gift from God. She spent her life opposing the only known cure for poverty, which is the empowerment of women and the emancipation of them from a livestock version of compulsory reproduction."

“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.”

“That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.” (In response to the age old argument by theists of 'prove God doesn't exist')

“To terrify children with the image of hell, to consider women an inferior creation—is that good for the world?”

“We keep on being told that religion, whatever its imperfections, at least instills morality. On every side, there is conclusive evidence that the contrary is the case and that faith causes people to be more mean, more selfish, and perhaps above all, more stupid.”

“If you gave [Jerry] Falwell an enema he could be buried in a matchbox.”

“Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way.”

Rest In Peace Christopher Hitchens.

Facebook Status Translator

2011-12-14T16:03:00.001-05:00

This is a list of my take on fairly common Facebook statuses and what I think they're actually saying. Enjoy.

Status: Awe i hav teh best gurlfrand in tha world, no1 as gud as mah baby. LuV yOu GuRlllll <3<3,3

Translation: I have an insecure, unstable relationship. We just got through another rough patch caused by another shallow, trivial fight and are now 'back in love', hence this over-display of internet affection. Also, I am completely fucking illiterate.

Status: I am so sick of all of this drama! OMG!

Translation: I secretly love the drama and will work to perpetuate it by passive-aggressively posting stabs at my ex-girl/boyfriends.

Status: GETTIN MY SWAG ON TONIGHT BITCHES! YALL AINT TEAR IT UP LIKE ME AND MY BOIIIIZZZ. BRAP!

Translation: I should be castrated so as to never reproduce my shitty genes on this planet. The fact that I have made it to the legal drinking age alive defies the theory of Evolution. I also capitalize every letter in my status because I want to appear super intense, except that I'm not because I made this status from my moms basement and now I'm going to go help her fold the laundry before I go out tonight with my allowance money.

Status: "Insert quote from famous historian/author/important figure."

Translation: I get 60's in school because I'm too busy watching Jersey Shore but I want to appear smart so I copy and paste out of context quotations from people much more insightful than I'll ever be. Just so that I can appear intelligent on Facebook, despite the fact that I only personally talk to 4 out of my 642 friends.

Status: -Insert copy and pasted status here-

Translation: Despite everyone having seen this one hundred times already, I think I better re-post it because only then will people truly understand how uninformed we all are. I actually believe Christmas is being taken away and if anybody ever asked me what I feel about a social/political issue I would repeat word for word what my last copied and pasted status said.

Status: FML! I have the hardest life ever! I can't believe -insert irrelevant issue here- just happened!

Translation: Somebody give me some fucking attention already!

Status: Watching TV and eating a delicious home cooked meal! Life is soooo good <3

Translation: You care about my television and dietary habits so I am sharing them with you. My life isn't actually soooo good, it's pretty average and I'm bored. Hopefully someone texts me :(

Status: Wal herr it iz ladys and gents just lik alway i tell teh truths bettur then any1. thatz it bitchs jus fuk urselfs al of u;s.

Translation: I shouldn't be allowed to use Facebook while drunk because deep down I am an illiterate asshole who needs validation in regards to how shitty my life is currently.

Status: SOOOO WASTEDDDDDDDDDDDDD! OMG!

Translation: I've only had two shots of vodka. By the end of the night I will hook up with anyone with two legs and a pulse and then claim I don't remember any of it.

Status: I hate boys/girls. They all suck!

Translation: I will marry the first person who tells me that they love me.

Status: I like it up the bum and watch child porn.

Translation: This persons Facebook was left open and now their friends are trolling their status. If you comment on a status like this and actually believe it in anyway, shape or form then I would kindly, and with the utmost respect, ask you to please abort yourself.

Status: I'm so proud of my sweet little boy/girl for getting an A+ on their sandbox playing assignment today in Kindergarten.

Translation: My kid is so much better than your kid in every way imaginable. Your kid is a piece of shit and mine is the beez-fucking-kneez. I am proud of my child everyday just because they're alive, so you get to hear about it because I have nothing else to do, like call a friend rather than posting on Facebook.

Status: Let's all worship Jesus and pray together to fix the worlds problems! :) :)

Translation: I couldn't actually name five world problems because my parents have sheltered me throughout my entire life thus far. Hopefully someone tries to debate me on my status so I can use what I learned at Bible study last week to lay the divine smack-down on their heathen ass.

Status: What a SICK weekend, yo! That shit was off the handle!

Translation: Hey Facebook friends, be prepared for 197 new photos in a new album on Facebook titled after the current number one musical hit that in no way accurately describes the photos. Said photos will be mostly blurred, taken at awful angles, or will be of my friends and I sitting on the toilet peeing at a nightclub. Despite my pictures being lame and the obvious fact that my night must have been uninteresting if I had time to snap 197 pictures in a short 4 hour span, I still fully believe I lead the life of a total rockstar.

Status: -Insert sappy or ubiquitous song lyrics here-

Translation: This song represents my mood perfectly right now. I don't care that it represents 400,000,000 other people's moods and they've already posted these lyrics, it means something to me. Also, I am incapable of forming my own words to describe how I feel because I have less creative ability than Prostate Cancer.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

The 25 Best Pictures of 2011

2011-12-12T18:14:00.000-05:00

These are the most interesting, influential, and important pictures of 2011. There is no ranking, they are all equally worthy of being on this list. Enjoy.

This is "Fearless Cat". It's only appropriate to open this list with a picture of a cat because cat pictures and cat-related humour took off like wildfire over the last few years on the internet. There are entire websites dedicated to it, such as lolcats.com. This picture is just fascinating to look at and is taken in such a way that it warrants a captive audience.

This picture shows a man and wife taking to the dance floor in a banquet hall. The look of romance this man has in his eyes is truly something to be admired, as should always be done with such a wonderful thing. In 2011 our attitudes towards individuals who are disabled (for lack of a much longer, unrecognizable, politically-correct term) still leave a lot to be desired. This picture is important because it shows what we all know but all too often tend to forget; that love supersedes all. Love means acceptance, if acceptance isn't present, it isn't love. This picture says that very well, thus earning its spot on this list.

This is Tahrir Square in Cairo, Egypt. 2011 could very aptly be dubbed 'The Year of Protest'. Thousands of protesters took to the square January 25th 2011, and are still going strong now in December 2011. This wide view shows the magnitude of the protest, with police moving in backed by the local military (bottom left).

This man doused himself in gasoline and set himself ablaze in Greece, out front of his local bank branch. The man claimed to have been given unfair treatment when the bank set the terms for the repayment of his loans. The fees were enough to make the man ask for a renegotiation but when denied his request he set up with loud speaker, gasoline and a lighter to make his voice heard. The man's protest ended with this picture, snapped just a moment after he ignited himself. This picture was taken by a bystander who worked across the street, not a professional photographer or journalist. The police officer shown was able to extinguish the flames before the man died, but he is said to have suffered severe burns covering most of his body.

Camels crossing the desert. This is just a brilliantly timed and angled shot, and certainly the most creative nature photograph of the year.

This veiled, Afghan woman set herself on fire to attempt suicide, after reportedly suffering years of abuse from her husband. In Afghanistan, women are still viewed as second-class to men, as lesser creatures designed for servitude and male dominance. Examples of this can be seen with female circumcision, which could also accurately be labelled Genital Mutilation (cutting off the females's clitoris at a young age so she never experiences sexual pleasure), marital rape not being considered a crime, and with men being able to beat their wives (often to death) as punishment if they: speak to another man, speak while another man is present, leave the house showing hair or skin, show hair or skin while in their own home while guests are present, show displeasure at their husbands actions, deny their husbands sexual intercourse, ask for divorce from their husbands, leave the home without their husband, seeking permission to do anything, ever, that would in anyway apply that they are independent, self-reliant human beings. It is worse than it sounds, rest assured, the rate of women who kill themselves by lighting themselves on fire in Afghanistan is shockingly high.

Tiffany, 19, turns her back to the camera to show the scar that was left behind after she was a victim of a brutal and near-fatal knife attack in Tegucigalpa, Honduras on March 10th, 2011. Tiffany is a transvestite. This attack was a hate-crime. Tiffany was targeted by locals because they believed her trans-sex operation was a transgression against nature. This picture is important because it reminds us that bigotry and hate are still dominating love and acceptance and only we can make the change. It has to come from within and it starts with being shocked, such as seeing this image of an innocent humans mutilated back.

Shi'ite Muslim men and boys beat their chests as they practice self-flagellation during the religious ritual of Ashura in Delhi, India, earlier this year. Islam is a perfectly normal belief, and certainly a religion of peace, love, and understanding. This picture shows that quite well... This sick display of besotted fanaticism depicts the kind of brainwashing that takes place under extreme religious rule.

After the flooding in Pakistan earlier this year, millions of spiders and other creepier-than-your-worst-nightmares-could-concoct creatures were forced to occupy trees. Thousands of trees just like the ones pictured here became webbed as they were forced to house the spiders who fled the rising waters. The locals nicknamed the trees 'cotton-candy trees'. (I'll never eat cotton-candy again.)

A Japanese girl sits on the remains of a street a midst wreckage from what was her home and neighborhood after the massive 9.0 magnitude earthquake that struck off Japan's Pacific coast on Friday, March 11th, 2011. The earthquake was the most powerful ever to hit Japan and is recorded as in the top 5 most powerful earthquakes in history. No picture can be a just summation of the trauma and absolute desolation that Japan experienced, but this picture serves as a stark reminder of the loss of human life that was a result of the earthquake, tsunami and aftershocks.

The Aurora Borealis over Iceland's night sky. This photo became famous after an amateur photographer entered it in a photo contest, and for good reason, won. It's incredible. Who wants to go to Iceland?

This picture was taken moments after a suicide bomber detonated inside Abdul Faz Mosque, Afghanistan, killing 50 people. You can see the bodies (women and children, mostly) clustered together around a survivor crying and pointing at her dead child in the center of the photo. Suicide bombings are a favoured tactic used throughout the Middle East, often with the bombs being strapped to unwilling participants such as special needs individuals, men who are told their families will be financially looked after and protected if the man carries out the suicide bombing, or young boys who are manipulated into thinking they will be eternally rewarded if they sacrifice their own lives in the "Holy War" against the infidels of Islam. Unfortunately there is no eternal reward, and certainly not an earthly one either. There is nothing special about believing in something so strongly you would die to prove it. It takes nothing but an absence of courage, bravery and logical human thought to make such a cowardly exit from Earth.

This is a picture of a malnourished boy in Somalia. Currently 3.7 million Somalis are at-risk for starvation in the two southern regions that are controlled by Islamist Al Shabaab militants. The warlords keep the food for themselves and execute, rape, and oppress the civilians under their control. Somalia has been forgotten about since the United States withdrew their forces from there in the 90's. The people there are suffering everyday and despite the United Nations having all the necessary power to assist, they do not. In 2011, the fighting between militant groups have taken more civilian casualties than before but aside from Human Rights Watch, no one seems to care. The boy in this photograph is dead now, died of malnutrition as a result of extended periods of starvation less than a week after the picture was taken.

A fiery explosion after two cars collide during a race. The flames were recorded to be 40 feet high as first response and firefighter teams sped to pull the two men from each vehicle. Amazingly, both men walked away from the accident and only one needed medical treatment for minor burns on his hands. Hard to believe from this picture though, as one car is almost completely blocked from view as a result of the massive inferno.

This is 'Casual Cop'. Casual Cop became an internet phenomenon after this photo was snapped. The cop is casually spraying mace into the face of a protester who is sitting calmly during a protest at UC Davis. The internet certainly does abhor unexplained dissonance, as Police Lieutenant John Pike now fully understands. His calm, casual stance has been photoshopped and turned into one of the most famous internet memes of 2011.

A picture taken Sept. 11th 2011, of a New York Fire Department firefighter remembering his fallen compatriots on the ten year anniversary. 9/11 will always be a moment in history that people who were old enough to remember will be unable to forget. If you are asked what you were doing that day when you first heard the news of the terrorist attacks you will be able to recall it perfectly, any of us could. This picture sums up the mourning and grief still taking place and being felt worldwide because of the events of that day.

Amputee Soccer players fight over a ball during a game in July of 2011. This picture shows pure determination over physical obstacles. The love these players must have for their game is inspiring. This picture is important because it reminds us of the potency of human will power.

This picture was taken of a bloodied man and a dead child, in front of a building that had just felt the effects of a double suicide bombing that took place earlier this year. The first suicide bomber detonated and injured and killed several people while the other bomber waited nearby. When the police, paramedics and firefighters began to arrive and a large crowd had formed, the second bomber detonated, killing three times the amount of people that the first bomb had killed. There are three pictures related to religious fundamentalism and terrorist suicide bombings on this list because in 2011 religious oppression inspiring terrorism is still running rampant throughout the Middle East. Despite two wars waged by allied forces, two occupied countries, the situation is only getting worse.

This is a fantastic picture of the Milky Way Galaxy, taken from the ground of the Mardi Khola Valley in Himalaya. Not as potent in the same way as some of the other pictures on this list, but certainly one of the most awe-inspiring and beautifully taken pictures from the last year. One glance at this picture and you are instantly infected with the travel bug.

This is a photo of the India-Pakistan border, taken from the International Space Station. It looks shockingly like neurons inside the human brain and being the sci-fi geek that I am, I had to include this stunning view of our tiny speck of dust planet. Even though we have the biggest egos in the universe, we are certainly unimportant, miniature beings of life with the utmost of irrelevancy, and this picture is a fantastical reminder of that fact.

This is an ant. You may notice that it has antler-like fungus protruding from its head. That fungus grows inside the hosts brain, taking control of it completely. It tells it's host to climb as high up as possible in a tree, then it breaks out of the ants head and spreads its spores to the wind, so as to cover and infect as large of an area as possible. So in short, it turns the ants into zombies and then spreads itself to as many other ants as possible to keep its population strong. This picture was taken in Brazil, let's hope the zombie ant army stays there.

Protesters being beaten in Tbilisi, Georgia. The capital of Georgia, Tbilisi has recently become the home to anti-government protesters who are demanding the resignation of the president of their country. Years of oppression and unruly, tyrannical treatment are finally being challenged as the citizens of Georgia were undoubtedly inspired by successful revolutions in other countries worldwide over the past year. This is one photographic example of the police brutality being carried out on demonstrators in Georgia. The government message is clear: silence the protesters; but the demonstrators have a message of their own, and after over 10,000 people have shown up to make their voices heard it is quite clear that their message will not be silenced.

The Year of the Protest certainly echoed strong within North America when a group of university professors, economists and students decided to show up on Wall Street, and not leave. Pictured above is a PhD wielding university professor at George Washington State University, or as the main stream media calls him, "an unemployed bum with nothing better to do". The Occupy Movement simply wanted people to start paying attention to the massive inequality and unfair distribution of wealth within America. Furthermore, to take action against a corporate controlled media and bank system that leaves the majority of the country out in the cold, while a small, elite 1% controls nearly everything you can do, see, read and most importantly, buy. Hence their slogan of "Occupy Wall Street: We are the 99%". The Movement is still going strong, after starting on September 17th, in Zucotti park. The OWS movement was organized by Canadian activist group Adbusters; but what started as a Canadian idea and an American occupation, has since transformed into a worldwide movement with OWS demonstrations taking place in over 82 countries and 1200 events despite massive resistance from police forces.

Earlier in the list the earthquake that rocked Japan was mentioned, but worth a separate mention is the subsequent tsunami. The earthquake and tsunami were responsible for 15,841 deaths, 5,890 injuries, with an additional 3,490 people missing and not yet accounted for. Of those deaths, an estimated 92.5% died from drowning. Entire families, homes, airports, towns, islands, cities were completely swept away with the rising waters that bulldozed through 18 prefectures. Save The Children reports over 100,000 children have been uprooted from their homes, the majority of which were disconnected from their families. The tsunami also disabled the Nuclear Power Plant in Fukushima, exposing the nearby city to harmful levels of radiation. Pictured above is a passenger ship left atop an apartment complex. When a tsunami comes to land, it brings ships, buildings and vehicles with it, using them as battering rams to knock down anything in its path that the crushing force of the water doesn't already break down. After the water gets as far inland as it's power will allow it to go, it begins to recede. When it left Japan and went back into the ocean, it carried thousands of human beings out to sea with it, never to be seen again. There are several other powerful pictures of the tsunami's destructive abilities to extinguish life.

This is a boy who fell asleep atop a bull. This picture captures a little piece of humanity, instantly evoking so many distinct emotions. This picture is certainly worth one-thousand words and finishes off this list with a well-rounded close.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

The 5 Most Common Misuses of Facebook

2011-12-05T23:44:00.001-05:00

Have you ever heard of Facebook? It's this site designed to connect you with your friends or family and through the use of 'peer created groups' it lets you connect with like-minded people such as people from your workplace or school. You can update your status to let large amounts of people instantly know about something that is important to them, say, if you have moved the time of a group meeting or maybe to let everyone know about a current happening in the news that needs to be recognized. You can upload pictures from fun events you've had like a trip or a memorable night out perhaps. You can share links, tag friends in statuses to do a sort of 'mass-text' and let lots of people know to specifically look at your status. It's really cool and so innovative in fact that it has revolutionized social media. It's also currently being used by 800 million users worldwide.

The problem of course is that this is how Facebook would be in an ideal world. What it is actually used for is quite different, therein lies where the title comes from. Here.we.go!

1) The Melodramatic Facebooker. This is first on the list because it's the most popular, no competition. Everyone knows this person all too well. They've dominated your news-feed since the day you added them. They have no filter between what happens in their life and what they share with their entire Facebook friends list. Problem in real life equals problem we all get to hear about via the internet. The real problem, however, is that these problems are what I would refer to as non-legitimate. How do you know if it's appropriate to post your problems to Facebook or not? Here is my guide to deeming your problems 'Facebook Worthy'. Did you, or someone you know very well, die, get maimed, or have their life forever altered because of a freak accident beyond their control? No? Then the verdict is NOT fucking legitimate to tell us about. No, we don't care if your boyfriend dumped you, they're probably better off without your lame, needy self anyways. We don't care that your parents aren't letting you take the car to that party this weekend, either, you'll probably end up getting too drunk and crying anyways. We just don't care and the more you post the more of a spoiled, worthless, narcissistic and annoying fuck you seem to be. (And probably actually are.)

New rule: each time I see someone whining about their bullshit problem I am going to post some of my bullshit problems, such as:

The dialogue in this movie is too low, but the sound effects are too loud.
These ketchup packets are too small to cover the amount of food I plan on eating.
I had so much food on my plate that some of it fell off the side.
My phone keeps changing lol to LOL and makes me seem overly excited.
Today I tried to spread cold butter on my toast, but the toast ripped.
I can't decide whether to be a Mage or a Warrior in Skyrim!?
I want to finish watching this Youtube video, but if I do, I'll miss the next bus and have to wait!

Those are my bullshit problems and they're at least entertaining. If you're going to be a whiny, melodramatic Facebooker then do us all a favour; go back to MySpace.

2) The Quote-posting Facebookers. They're not quite as common as the Melodramatic Facebookers but equally as fucking annoying. They are in many ways a sub-category of the above mentioned because they often use famous quotes, or popular song lyrics to describe how they are feeling.

If I had a dollar for every time Marilyn Monroe's "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" quote was posted on my Facebook news-feed I'd have enough money to buy a shovel to dig holes with and bury these people alive in them. I'm actually impressed Marilyn Monroe has any famous quotes considering that most of her famous life was spent with her having a mouth full. What makes it especially annoying when you post song lyrics out of context is that nobody gets what the fuck you're talking about. Using vague, non-descriptive and poorly written lines from equally poorly written songs isn't deep, layered, or introspective; it's the definition of pathetic. It also doesn't make anybody else 'get' what you're going through or feel sympathy for you. Indeed the only emotions it evokes within people are rage and desire; desire to help me dig the holes.

It's equally as annoying to consistently quote historically famous people. No one thinks you're smart because you can copy and paste an Abe Lincoln quote or something from Nietzsche. Want to know how it's so easy to spot someone who simply Google's "famous quotes" as opposed to someone who has actually read Beyond Good and Evil or an equally important piece of literature? Someone who is actually reading a book that advanced is unable to consistently update their Facebook status with several different famous quotes spanning hundreds of years of historical figures while someone who just wants to appear smart and well read will have a new quote each day. I'm sorry, but you don't read and fully understand those important texts in one day. So please stop. Nobody actually cares that Einstein compared relativity to sitting next to pretty girls on trains and we especially don't care that you are smart enough to use a search engine. Congratulations, you've successfully used Google, the world's easiest and most accessible search engine ever created.

3) The Facebook Moms! This one is special to my heart because never in my life have I realized just how unprepared people are for raising children until Facebook Moms came along. And not in a fun, adventure-filled unprepared manner either. I mean unprepared in the "why didn't someone sterilize you?" kind of way. These are the moms who update us everyday on how their child slept, what they ate/didn't eat, how often they had to change them et cetera. They aren't even updating us about the cool aspects of having a bat-shit crazy miniature human being living with them; like when baby decides to pee on grandma - that stuff is what we want to hear about. We don't care about your stupid kids shitty first steps. Every Facebook mom seems to think the world not only cares about their child more than anything else but that we also share the delusional belief that their child is special - well, it's not, and we don't.

Your kid isn't special, it's probably a fucking serial killer just waiting to grow up and chop mommy's head off and drive across the border into the United States wearing it like a baseball cap. I'm sorry to break it to you but it's also insanely disgusting to think that these moms are asking for medical advice on Facebook. Wait, what? Not only are you a fucking twat for ever assuming Facebook is a good place to seek out medical advice, but you're also putting your child's well-being at risk by 1) not immediately consulting a medical doctor, and 2) using some other emotionally crippled Facebook moms bullshit opinion to treat your child. If you need advice about why your infant baby has been sleeping for 12 hours then call your doctor! Firstly, 12 hours without food would make an adult's body go into hunger-mode, imagine what it's doing to your child? So while you sit there creeping your friends pictures and waiting for a response, your child continues to be neglected while a potential health hazard is brewing. Congratulations on your unsuccessful job of parenting, you've just been out-parented by me and that is really saying something as I am someone who still believes women are incapable of pooping and that Harry Potter is real and I can't see magic because I'm a Muggle (that means non-magical person for those of you who have yet to discover the amazing story of this courageous boy named Harry). Here is your reward for your shitty parenting skills; a free pass to the hospital so you can be sterilized via tubal ligation so that you don't fuck up anybody else's life. In the meantime, keep it off Facebook.

4) Facebook Whores. This is literal, these are whores, that also use Facebook. These are the girls who constantly post copious amounts of pictures from everything that they do. Trip to Starbucks? 200 new photos in a Facebook album titled 'Bitches Wanna Be Us' or an equally ridiculous title. How about when these whores go on a trip to Cancun, Mexico and they post multiple albums with 200 photos but the first one is all at the fucking airport before the trip even starts. Oh, yes, we all want to see you and your self-absorbed friends in your track pants making stupid faces at the camera. If you're so bored you want to take pictures to entertain yourselves then fine, but do you need to upload that to Facebook? No, the answer is no. If you said 'yes' then disconnect whatever device you're reading this on from the internet for 30 days and use your time-out period to think long and hard about what a conniving, dirty whore you are.

Also, do we need to see pictures of you on the toilet? When did that become normal? Imagine a family photo where someone is peeing? Pictures are meant to be memorable, as in, remind us later in life of moments worth remembering. What is so memorable about you pissing while drunk? Don't you do it several times through out the night? The worst part is that a lot of these Facebook Whores are married or are in the "Facebook Mom" category mentioned above. So that's how you want people to view you? Not as a parent, or spouse who is to be respected as a mature adult, but as a classless slut? I'd like to say 'to each their own' but to be honest I think if I had a girlfriend who had pictures of herself peeing or acting like a classless tramp on the internet I'd probably feel a little ashamed of both my poor taste and her being okay with people viewing her while she's on the toilet. One last thing: the more pictures you post from a night out, the less time you spent talking, bonding, laughing with friends. It's directly related in the sense that the more pictures, the shittier of a night - you're not fooling anyone.

5) Illiterate Facebookers! These one's aren't really enough to get worked up over but they deserve a mention because of the hours of entertainment they provide. What I mean by being illiterate at Facebook is when you see someone post a status, for example if a girl posts "Whoa, that test was super hard!" and then some random dude posts "Yo gurl, long time no see, how u been?" - that guy is Facebook illiterate. Maybe you have a status such as "HOLY FUCK JUST TOOK THE BIGGEST WIPE OUT FUCK ME MY ASS IS HURTING NOW" and then your Grandma writes "oh, put a bit of ice on it and it should be feeling better in no time. Also, try not to use such vulgar language. Thanks, much love, grams. xoxo" - Grandma just proved herself Facebook illiterate while simultaneously making you the laughing stock of all your Facebook friends. How about the people who mean to send a private message but instead post a comment on someone's wall? So it ends up looking like this real life example from a girl I used to have on Facebook to her boyfriend "Hey there! Sorry for leaving without saying goodbye this morning, I didn't want to wake you after all that HARD work you did to me last night! ;) ;)" And then everyone, including family in this case, commented and the girl said "OMG this was supposed to be a message, how do I delete this?" Which is true Facebook illiteracy because from day one using computers you learn that the 'X' always means close/disappear/delete.

This blog entry is a result of the endless stupidity I deal with on my own Facebook. If you can relate to any of the above mentioned 5 categories then I am sorry and I feel your pain. If you relate to them because you fall into one of the categories (with the exception of number five) then I hope you go naturally bald in your late twenties for the pain and suffering you've caused us.

My Christmas Wish-list!

2011-12-04T20:04:00.001-05:00

This is a list of things I want for Christmas. I want them all. Here's lookin' at you, Santa.

This is a pair of chopsticks that are made to resemble Lightsabers from Star Wars. I could only imagine how bad-ass I would feel eating at home each night with a pair of these. It would also encourage me to eat less pizza, so it's important I get these. It's a matter of personal health and well-being, really. Let's be honest, I could totally find a way to eat pizza with these.

This is a 'Relaxation' capsule. It uses 'ion fields' to relax your body. It comes complete with comfortable cushions, a top-opening door and a $40,000 price tag. Who doesn't want a forty-thousand dollar egg-shaped box in their living room? I know I do!

This is a bottle opener shaped like a crow bar. It is also the exact same size as a full-sized crow bar. I could just imagine how pimp-daddy I would look at a party walking around with a fake crow bar designed only to open my beers. This is the most practical thing on this list, by the way. (I didn't realize Bud Light needed bottle openers?)

These are just like they appear, bandages designed after Bacon! It also comes with a free toy inside to ensure you get the most bang for your buck. These would be perfect for those drunken times where I trip up my stairs and split my chin open because my inebriated body forgets to use my hands to break my fall.

This bouncy castle only costs $2190.00! I see no reason why I can't have it. Although I live in an apartment and don't have a backyard... So I will also need a reliable, trust-worthy person to store it in their backyard. This person must clean it, keep it inflated, and be okay with my friends and I showing up whenever we feel like bouncing on it, and possibly puking all over it. (We would likely only show up after a long evening of binge-drinking, hence the puking part.)

These are "Toe-alignment Socks". Perfect for my ugly, Hobbit-like feet. I think the whole world would be better off with a good pair of toe-alignment socks. They're perfect for cold Canadian winters as well because they do absolutely-fucking-nothing to prevent frost bite! I don't care though, I've always held the belief that my relationships end because of my girlfriends finding out about my heinously un-aligned toes, so this is really just a matter of helping me to eventually find love. (Searching for love at the bottom of ice cream containers is getting old.)

This is a piece of inflatable toast, because... well, why the fuck not?

This is a TV Remote Control shaped like a magic wand from Harry Potter. I would literally Jizz in my Pants every time I got to magically change the channel on my TV if this was my Remote. I want this so badly I would literally punch a helpless child right in the face just to steal it from them. (Also, if you don't like Harry Potter then you can go S a huge D.)

This is a three-thousand dollar all-steel replica of Spider-man. Imagine the fun you could have with this thing? Just think of all the possibilities... Okay, there is really no fun to be had. But imagine how it would add to the sex appeal of my apartment? If living with my mom at 24-years-old doesn't make the girls want me, then spending a full months worth of pay cheques on a life-sized, steel replica of a comic book character surely will! Bring on the ladies!

This is a book that will teach me how to get white women. I am not typically into just pursuing one race of women, but after seeing this book I think I am convinced! I am also not Asian but I feel like this book will still definitely help me. I am so glad someone took the time to write a book that teaches Asian men how to get white women. I've read that there is even a chapter about penis enhancement medications, just because this book doesn't already reinforce enough prejudices and stereotyping with it's absurd title.

This is an 'endless' baking pan. It's also the greatest thing since pre-cut lines of cocaine. It let's everyone get that delicious corner piece of brownie. Definitely something I need in my life to be successful.

This is a high-quality pair of speaker cables that cost $8,450.00. Yeah, almost eight and a half thousand dollars. I've been told that if you use them you will actually hear God's voice coming through your speakers; they're that good. There is no reason someone can not buy me these, they're reasonably priced and do exactly the same job as any other set of cables, therefore I must have them.

This is a mind-bending wine holder. Although my alcoholism has escalated to the level where I never actually need a wine bottle holder because a bottle never lasts more than an hour in front of me I still feel I would get use out of this. Maybe if I just kept the actual wine bottle and filled it up with dye-coloured water after I was finished chugging it?

This is an 'underwater scooter' and I must have it so that I can pretend I am James Bond. I would also like some C4 plastic explosives so I can cruise around underwater and blow up terrorist's fishing vessels. It's a matter of national security that I get this for Christmas.

This is a human stomach. I want a different one because mine is fucking lame and can't handle the amount of spicy food I eat or red wine that I drink. I want a new one and I don't want to know the details of how you go about getting it.

This is Carlos the Luchador Pillow and he is the epitome of awesome. Going to bed would be an epic adventure every night with Carlos the Luchador Pillow to sleep with! No longer would I have to suffer long, sleepless nights spent alone with nothing but a bottle of hand lotion and self-pity to keep me company.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

These Pictures Are Not Worth 1000 Words

2011-11-29T00:09:00.001-05:00

It's been a few days without a post because I haven't written anything in almost a week due to the fact that I have been afflicted with food poisoning. So when I haven't been making love to my toilet, I've been aimlessly browsing the interwebs trying to take my mind off of the agonizing pain I've been in. Turns out, there are lots of self-absorbed, ungrateful, angst-filled douche bags posting thousands of artsy, lame pictures on their websites. These people that have lives so easy, so uneventful that they make up issues and develop warped perspectives of how the real world works and what constitutes a real life problem. If your biggest problem in your life is that you can't figure out if the person you like, likes you back, you are who I am talking about. So, here are some of the pictures I've come across in my recent travels across the internet.

Some pictures may be worth a thousand words but I bet I can sum these up in a short few sentences.

Yep, you're a real hero! Your idea of charity is to feed the meter for someone who is wealthy enough to afford a vehicle, in a first world nation, that has parking meters? Good call, the poor don't need your charity, they don't even have cars! Your Noble Prize is in the mail.

Everything? Really? Doesn't that seem like a bit of a cop-out that only a dull-witted person would fall for? As well, do you really like everything about this person? Do you like the way their breath smells like rotting carcass in the morning after a night of drinking and smoking? Do you like the way they go pee? No, so stop being a fucking dick and write the real god damn list already. People like this are killing romance with lazy, pseudo-poetic gestures.

Now, I understand that losing weight could very well be a good thing, typically leading to a healthier lifestyle. I also think it's a bit strange you want your brother-in-law to find you attractive, but whatever floats your boat. I can even look past the fact that you're obviously a dirty, conniving whore. What I will not forgive, however, is that you took the time to make this shitty postcard-like picture and then post it on the internet and not once did you realize that you wrote 'loosing' instead of 'losing'. You obviously used a computer at one point or another to get this on the internet, You know that the red squiggly line under the word doesn't mean the computer thinks you're an awesome fucking artist? It means even a non-thinking, non-human object understands that you are a fucking idiot for not spelling the world 'losing' properly on a final draft.

The stupid caption with the faded urban skyline just screams 'art'. If you don't like it there then either go somewhere else, or stop bitching. In the time it took you to find this picture, caption it with your terrible angst-filled quote and then upload it to the internet; you could have instead written a "pros vs cons" list of reasons for being where you are. That way, we would not have to be subjected to your made up fucking problems that you so vaguely alluded to. Why don't you belong there, exactly? It's a massive city after all, surely even a hipster douche bag such as whoever posted this could easily have found other Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, mainstream music hating dickheads.

What? Isn't this an obvious thing? Why would you want the bed to yourself if you could share it with someone you love? You my friend, are lame, even when trying to be romantic. My advice is for you to hold on to whomever is actually dumb enough to share your bed with you. Hold on tight, because it appears you won't find anyone else quite as dense as this person.

LOL this kid's in love with the Milky Way Galaxy - what a fuck. Why don't you find a partner the real way - by playing World of Warcraft like the rest of your generation does.

And then you ate a banana. What you lost in friendship you made up for with your healthy, daily intake of potassium. All is not lost!

Imagine the type of human being this is? Exactly the type of person I wish to have as my best friend. Seriously if you know anyone like this I think it'd be a fucking riot to get shit-faced with them.

Untrue. Your parents have taken several photographs of you, their disappointing, Art School drop-out child, and I'm sure they'd like to forget all about you.

By the sounds of it, perhaps the bride with only one friend should have been the one killing herself. Just saying.

Well now that you've posted this picture with only your eyes blocked out, the entire world has seen what you didn't even want your boyfriend's best friend to see. There's some solid logic! Nice tits, by the way.

Secret # 2: Everyone else also hates who you are. If you're self-absorbed enough to write that on your hand, take a picture, post it on your own Tumblr page, and then expect sympathy from everyone who views it then I don't feel bad hating you. Neither should anyone else.

My God, I swore I found the next Banksy when I first viewed this. Time doesn't exist? Oh, really Mr. Ambiguous? So, days don't either? Months, years? Calenders? They're are all for nothing? Does that mean that Earth doesn't rotate around the sun? Let me guess, seasons don't exist either? This is my favourite type of observation, the kind where two seemingly related things are compared in an attempt to draw a correlation, despite said correlation not actually existing. So, without bastardizing how the universe works too badly, let me just say that clocks are a tool to measure time, something that exists whether we measure it or not, just like a kids ruler that measures how small your dick is. Just because it's easily sized up and arbitrary to the grand scheme of life, doesn't mean it's not there! Just like time.

Umm no, actually it is not. You are fucking stupid. What makes you especially stupid is that you probably only believe this because Harvey Dent delivered this line during a speech in the film 'The Dark Knight'. The night is actually darkest when the sun is 180 degrees away from the point you are currently located on Earth. In other words, the night is at it's darkest at exactly the middle point between sunset and sunrise. Before Christopher Nolan made this line famous in the most kick-ass fucking movie of all time, this was a quote from Sojourner Truth (Isabella Baumfree) and even though she was a brilliant abolitionist and women's rights activist, before such a thing even existed (living from 1797-1883), she was not so good as an Astronomer.

I don't know what kind of shallow, internet-based, first world life you've lived but I am quite certain that my last mortal thought will be "Why didn't those two girls just get another cup?"

I am sure I could make several jokes about this but instead I shall refer you to this 3 second video that sums up everything I think when I view this picture.

Save up some money, get a prostitute. Problem solved.

There is actually no problem with this picture and despite the fact that you are reading a blog and this is counter-productive to my own viewership, I agree with this with all my heart. No E-Reader, Laptop, Tablet or iPad will ever live up to the true writers craft involved in writing a book and then sharing that book with the rest of the world. We must be careful that we don't let ourselves become disconnected from the outside world as we connect more often to the communication technologies that are becoming more readily available each day. We are taking any form of relaxation we know of, such as reading a book (the kind with paper), and replacing it via whatever means possible to make things easier, cheaper and less intelligible. I am not saying that the internet isn't a wonderful tool, but just like any other tool us humans use, it must be put down from time to time.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

5 Reasons You're a Douche

2011-11-22T15:26:00.001-05:00

1) You're a sports dick. What's a sports dick? Someone who associates themselves with a team they watch on television, despite never playing for said team, knowing nobody personally on said team, and who will get raised blood pressure when said sports team loses. Nothing says "I have deeply repressed childhood issues" quite like getting your back up when someone cheers for a team you dislike. Football, Hockey, Soccer, Basketball or even Curling are all fair game in this country to actually get angry when the team you're cheering for on TV loses. Not only do you appear to have the maturity of an 11-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, but you're also telling me that you are incapable of rational thought. Namely, when you say rude comments about someone based on their chosen sports team. Can't relate? Think of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You either love them, or you hate them and everyone else who loves them. What about the hockey riots when Vancouver lost in the finals? So, not only are people taking sports too seriously these days, but they're actually so deeply disillusioned about the role that sports entertainment plays in society that they feel the need to go out and harm other people and their livelihood all based on what? Yeah, the outcome of a sports game.

"Um, it's called the 'Stanley Cup', Google it."

Those are pretty intense examples. But even on a smaller level, how many times have you experienced anger among friends because of rivalry's based off of sports teams? How important, in the grand scheme of life, is it for the team you're watching on television to win? On a scale of 'one' to 'you're a sports dick', if you answered any higher than 1, you're a sports dick. This also applies to people who play sports. Relax. Just for a minute. Just take off your kleets, or your helmet, sit down, and remember that in real life nobody cares if your high school sports career didn't flourish. The amount of people who are put in bad moods and take it out on other people, namely, their significant others after their sports team loses is astronomical. This is both a personal observation and a fact. Did you know the highest reported cases of domestic violence out of any day of the year are on Superbowl Sunday? Statistically speaking this is an on-going trend, for at least the last five years. Personally, I enjoy a lot of sports, and admittedly it does feel nice to win when I am actually playing the sport (which, by the way, football is better than hockey and you're a freedom-hating Nazi enthusiast if you disagree). But if winning ever trumps human politesse then you're a sports dick. Besides, these sports douches are probably getting their backs up simply because their own career in sports didn't take off - because they probably sucked.

Ever been to an arena to watch a hockey game and there are always those parents who scream at their children? "COME ON, GET THE PUCK GOD DAMN IT!" Yeah...those people. They are sports dicks, not to mention terrible parents. If you ever do anything aside from support your children's attempts at sports then you are going to instill those same failed moral concepts in your children so that they grow up and become the irritating sports dicks I'm writing about. You don't need to be a sports dick because the outcome of sports means nothing in regards to real life. And you especially don't need to chirp your own child for not being the next Wayne Gretzky. Want to know who the next Wayne Gretzky is? No-fucking-body. Your kid won't even ever be paid for playing sports, statistically speaking you have a better chance of a vending machine falling on you and thus causing your untimely (and hilarious) death than you do of making it to a Major League team in your chosen sport. So sports douches, relax, slap some more ass in the showers if that's what calms you down. And parents, don't yell at your kids because they kind of suck at what they're doing, they're just kids - let them have fun.

"WAY TO PLAY SOCCER YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

2) "I'm a dick to girls so they like me." You hold the belief that "being a dick" is what women want. This one isn't just for men though, women should pay close attention. Firstly, being a dick to someone, regardless of what you think they want, is fucking stupid. If you enjoy being a douche to someone then it's likely that no one actually enjoys your company anyways - we just don't yet know the best way to get rid of you in our group of friends. Next, what lady enjoys being treated like dirt? Has that ever worked?

Sure, we've all been unjustifiably rude to our significant others at some point but most of us get it out of our systems in High School when we don't know what the fuck we're supposed to be doing in a relationship in the first place; but some people never learn. Want to know what happens when you grow up and consistently treat a girl like dirt? She starts to think she deserves it. Then you break-up with her for one selfish reason or another and it reinforces that feeling, driving her down even further. Women are funny like that, they have these finicky things called 'feelings'. The most pathetic thing is that you did it all because at some point some other dickhead told you (probably while you two were watching your shitty sports team lose) the brilliant advice that to 'make chicks want you, you've gotta be a dick'. Men seem to confuse being desirable with giving verbal abuse way too much, and way too easily. Let me break it down for you if you're not catching my point: coming off as someone the girl likes being around so much that she develops feelings for and wants in her life = good, on the other hand; saying rude things to a girl who has a crush on you and wants to believe that you two can work so badly she'll subject herself to your bullshit = bad. In an attempt to be unbiased I have some friendly advice for ladies - get a fucking backbone. Maybe, just maybe, at that point, guys will stop thinking there is one universal way to get girls and simultaneously I'll have to stop dealing with all women assuming that all men are assholes.

"I only hit her so she'd like me!" - Chris brown

3) "I post my personal issues to Facebook." You know you do. You had a fight with your significant other because you thought Josh Krajcik had a performance that was worthy of staying on the X Factor and they felt Astro was a more appropriate choice. So you got upset, didn't quite understand how to 'communicate' your inner 'feelings' and you turned to the only source of comfort your inner teenage-self fully knew would always be there. No, not your 'parents', or your 'friends', or even your 'journal', I'm referring to your social media website. 'The Facebook'. That all-knowing, non-judgmental 'one stop shop' for all your immature needs. It can tell you what your friends are doing (not quite as well as a phone call would, incidentally), show you pictures from your 'awesome' weekend (trust me, the more pictures from your weekend, the worse it was), and it can even be a crutch of support when you need (replace need with 'want') to write things like "OMFG! I can't believe he/she isn't exactly like me! My life is over, kill me! FML!" Now that I write this down and think about it I realize that maybe it's a good thing Facebook exists - otherwise people who write shit like that might actually kill themselves.

The blue represents my inner sadness.

4) You're a hipster dickhead, the lowest form of douche's. "I take pride in the music I listen to." Wait, you what? You mean you put personal stock into the one thing that you had nothing to do with? The music that someone else created? Awesome, that's like me getting mad because you bought an Xbox instead of a Playstation. Or, more accurately in a pop culture sense, that would be like me getting mad because you're "Team Jacob" instead of "Team Edward". (Side note: I just vomited on my naked, drunk body while writing that Twilight bullshit, even in this context.) We all have that friend, if you don't quite know what I'm talking about then think a little harder. You were recently at school/work with said friend, you had just come across a really awesome song you'd never heard before, by a band with a seemingly strange name. You decided to share with this friend your recent elation at discovering such an awesome musical find, but no sooner than sharing your new find your friend said something along the lines of "yeah, I knew about that song a few months ago, before it was on iTunes".

Oh, well sorrrrryyyy Captain Fucking Hipster, I wasn't aware you had a patent placed on enjoying music. How dare I let music into my ears so as to let it slightly affect my mood for the better, before walking in this morning just for your horn-rimmed glasses wearing self to shit all over my parade. I bet you also knew of earthquakes while they were still an underground movement, right? If you were a psychic I bet you'd claim to have known of music The Black Key's were thinking of writing before it was even written. I bet your ice was water before it was cool? How many of you and your hipster friends did it take to change that light bulb? What? The light bulb was cooler before it changed? (No, I'm not done. Brace yourselves.) I would ask who the hipster leader is, but you've probably never heard of him. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy the soundtrack. Hipsters eat their pizza before it's cool. Let me guess, you wouldn't normally wear an expensive T-shirt, but it's ironic? I bet instead of paying hidden fees you explore hidden emotions? I would love to keep going, but jokes are just becoming way too mainstream. Seriously though, stop thinking you're better than your friends because you spent so much time on the internet that at the age of 25 you can literally name every amateur musician with a record label. That doesn't mean you're special, it means you have no life.

"I like dog whistles, you've probably never heard them before"

5) You're incapable of having important face-to-face conversations, you're a digital communication douche. You've broken up, hooked up, made plans to get fucked up, all via Facebook and text messages. Not a single phone call, let alone a person-to-person meeting, was ever made. You spent your entire day with someone, pretending things were going well, just to call or text message them that night/the next day and break up with them because you were too cowardly to have that conversation in person. No, this isn't me venting, I've been lucky enough to never experience such a thing. No, this isn't exclusive to males or females, we're all equal on this one. Most of us got it out of our systems in grade 7 when MSN and ICQ were both common means of digital communication; but some of us, the people this one applies to specifically, continue to do it to this day. The reason it's worse nowadays is because A) relationships actually matter once you're an adult, B) plans should never be made solely via text messages, and C) you're a sad, sad person if you've let digital communication ruin your communication skills. So be an adult, and talk to someone in person about at least one out of every five important thoughts you have. Trust me, you'll be a better person for it. You can have the best education in the world but if you can't give a solid, person-friendly interview, you'll end up being the smartest bum on the street.

You don't want to be this guy

The Jesus Myth

2011-11-20T18:15:00.001-05:00

Nearly everyone I know believes and cherishes Jesus Christ's story. He was born, he built stuff out of wood, broke some bread, and was later betrayed by one of his followers which landed him the starring role in Mel Gibson's feature film "The Passion of the Christ" - or something like that. The story of Jesus Christ is poorly documented despite thousands of words by "eye witness accounts" being written about him and according to some theories it is possible he may not have even existed at the time he is said to have been alive. I would like to discuss why Jesus of Nazareth likely didn't ever exist, but also why holding his teachings as a guide for your morality is absurd, specifically when referring to his 'sacrifice' for humanity. The latter first, the former second. Here we go!

Believing that someone would die for another person or group of people out of love is not an unthinkable idea, it certainly has been done many times before. Plenty of stories of heroism, men jumping onto grenades to save those around them for example is of course selfless behaviour. We would instantly be thankful of our lives being saved in such a close call. So when told of how Jesus died for our sins we are obligated to feel grateful or indebted. As if everything is made better as long as us lost souls in need of salvation accept this "eternal dictatorship". Well, therein lies the problem, doesn't it? Is it a moral action to take someone's responsibilities off of them? Maybe. Is it a moral action to serve a sentence for someone? Not really, but it has been done. Is it a moral action to shirk blame, consequence and culpability off of yourself and push it onto someone else? I say absolutely not. This is an abysmal display of what it means to be human. If you want to teach your children that they can escape consequence of their actions, no matter how despicable, then you go right a head - but keep it out of the schools, government, and certainly out of any form of media. Also you should not expect to escape the paying of taxes, or to inherit subsidized help from the government, as is the case in our society currently. Telling children, or anyone for that matter, that they can commit any crime and then escape consequence by accepting an eternally binding contract with a man known as their 'saviour' is very close to, if not meeting the requirements for child abuse. We have never needed salvation to be morally right. My personal proof is that I've never experienced this 'salvation' offered by following the absurd 10 commandments and accepted the cuffs and chains of Christianity's teachings - yet I've acted in a morally decent way my entire life. Thousands of us do everyday without the need for this childish story and we do it just fine. This idiocy should not be taught to children, ever.

To start, Jesus was apparently born of a woman who had never had sex with a man. Not only is this preposterous scientifically but it appears even the Gospels were unsure of the truth behind the story, because only Matthew (1:18) and Luke (1:26-35) even mention the virgin birth. Two out of four, kind of seems like an important issue to leave out 50% of the time when describing one of the most spectacular things ever to be recorded in human history.

Next, Jesus' story is very choppy at best. He appears to literally have dropped out of written history from the age of twelve to reappearing at the age of 30 - there is not one single reference to him for those 18 years of his life. I am left to assume that he was a socially awkward teenager with a massive Jew-fro. Or, maybe as most historians would agree, the Jesus Christ that actually existed in real life was much different than the one Christians praise in the Bible. These are the two main views; the one held by Christians that is certainly, logically not true, and the one that can actually be held to some accountable evidence.

The Christian version is that he was born of a virgin, became the founder of the Church, and performed miracles which included (but certainly was not limited to) creating food for hundreds of people from a small portion of bread and fish, defying the laws of physics and gravity to walk across water (which incidentally would have made him great at Water Polo), the curing of ailments and diseases, the performing of exorcisms, the resurrection of the dead on three separate occasions (Mark 5:21-43, Luke 7:11-17, John 11: 1-44) plus a fourth where he brought himself back to life, and my personal favourite; finding a coin in a fish's mouth (Matthew 17:24-27) which may or may not just have been a cheap trick to impress Mary Magdalene.

The realistic version is that the man referred to as Jesus was most likely a Galilean Jewish Rabbi. Slightly different take on the guy you're used to hearing about. He was quite an eccentric Rabbi at that. Even C.S. Lewis has (rather honestly) said that if this man existed he 'was either a liar, a nut, or believed quite firmly the end of the world was soon to come'. It's quite obvious that his core teaching of "leave no thought for the 'morrow" is nothing short of unpractical and completely insane. This tells us not to invest, not to care for family, not to build, not to protect, just to simply follow. Sounds as if he either has no idea how a functioning society works, or he believed with utmost certainty that the world was indeed soon to end. It appears that if the latter is true he was very, very wrong.

Is this morally right behaviour? To scapegoat your problems so that we never have to fully deal with the consequences of our actions and to give no thought to our future? To believe we are made moral by these teachings is to label yourself an non-thinking person, and definitely to cast aside your own personal freedoms. To wish to live as just another sheep, a total slave. We do not need the absurdity of the Jesus myth any longer, we have human connection to survive, to be moral. It's all we've ever needed and the sooner we cast off the shackles of religious slavery the sooner we will prosper worldwide while oppression, slavery and poverty will finally be allowed to recede.

The core teachings of Christianity are fraudulent and have not served a beneficial function in human society for two thousand years; it's high time we step forward into the enlightenment.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

Proof That The Current Pope Is Responsible For The Rape of Children

2011-11-19T21:16:00.001-05:00

Pope Benedict XVI was born Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger. He has led a very long and very tainted career within the Catholic church. Without further delay, here is why Joseph Ratzinger, the current Pope, is directly responsible for the continuing rape and torture of children.

To fully understand just how corrupt the current Pope is, you must first have anidea of what he was up to before taking up his post as the tall, pointy-hatwearing catholic celebrity he is now. Ratzinger was a prominent Cardinal withinthe Catholic Church for many years. So important in fact that he was the headof an order titled "Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith". This congregation was put in placein order to keep checks and balances within the Catholic Church itself, with the hope that it would help to prevent Priests from committing crimes. The problem was that 1) if anorganization is allowed to keep itself in line then it's likely to turn theother way when problems arise, and 2) the Catholics are so obsessed withself-preservation that they will literally do anything to keep their reputation from being tarnished and their power from dwindling. Even if it means tampering with evidence, obstructing investigations, andundoubtedly the worst one, allowing the systematic rape of children.

In 1979, an 11-year-old boy in Germany was taken to themountains for a vacation trip accompanied by his priest. Once inside themountain retreat this boy was shut in his bedroom, forced to drink alcohol,stripped down to the nude by his priest, and then forced to give the priest oral sex. Afterallegations from the 11-year-old boy were brought forth and the Catholic Churchwas forced to deal with this issue, the current Archbishop, Joseph Ratzinger, decided to send theoffending cleric to Munich for 'therapy'. The Archbishop gave assurances thatthis man would never again be allowed to look after children, but would indeedbe allowed to continue his pastoral duties. So, the man was not only excusedfrom being sentenced to prison time, but he was giventhe privilege of a paid vacation to another church where he wouldlater return to his 'pastoral' (see: rapist) duties. You might say that thiswas just one bad apple and that one case should not smear the entire Church'sreputation, well that would maybe be the case if this were an isolated incident. Or, if the higher-ups were not responsible for protecting the offending priests, while ignoring the families being ruined in the process.

In May of that same year Ratzinger sent a confidential letterto every Bishop and warned them about a very heavy, unfortunate crime that hedeemed "unforgivable". But that crime wasn't the rape and torture ofthe children in the Catholic Church's care, it was in fact the reporting of the crime! The man was actually saying that you could beexcommunicated if you reported crimes to outside authorities. Ratzinger'sletter worked very effectively because to this very day no one has ever beenexcommunicated from the Catholic Church for raping and torturing children --despite an uncountable number of instances where it has been confirmed to havetaken place.

Other offences that will get you ousted from the Catholic Church?Having an abortion. Getting a divorce. Being LGBTQ. Owning and embracing the viewsof any book written that denounces the catholic church (The God Delusion, Godis Not Great, The Satanic Verses). Written promotion of the taxation of theCatholic Church. All of these will get you kicked out. This teaches us that themolestation of children is excusable, and is often rewarded with a freerelocation, but that divorce is inexcusable. Religion preaches morality, right?

Another man, named Father Murphy, comes into contact with Ratzinger's career several years later. Father Murphy was a priest at a school for the deafand dumb in Wisconsin. Father Murphy was also a child molester and his crimesinclude the molestation of over 200 children at the school he worked in. Yes, over 200confirmed cases of sexual abuse on deaf and mute children. These boyseventually grew up into men and despite being unable to talk, they voiced quiteclearly the abuses that had been done to them by the priest that was supposedto be guiding them through their daily activities. They used sign language andwritten affidavits to tell of the rape and torture they were putthrough by Father Murphy, but their stories went unnoticed. Well, unnoticedisn't entirely the right word, ignored is much more fitting. The letters wentdirectly to Joseph Ratzinger because the local Bishops did not know how tohandle such a massive scandal and he was in charge of the Congregation for theDoctrine of Faith, the organization that was supposed to be preventing andpunishing such crimes.

Ratzinger was unmoved by the rapes taking place. He told theBishops that the most important thing to take into consideration was how theChurch's reputation would be affected if this came to light. This was of course after years ofignoring the letters he was receiving about this issue, Ratzinger finally decided to act. Not in the best interest of protecting the childrenstill attending this school, not in the best interest of the men whose liveswere completely ruined because of this man being allowed to continue hiscampaign of rape and molestation, but in the best interest of the Church.Which, in case you were wondering, the best interest of the Church meant therelocation of the monster known as Father Murphy to the Vatican City where hecould live out the rest of his days as an honored, long-standing servant of theCatholic Church.

Joseph Ratzinger claimed he did not have enough time toaddress the issue sooner because of the over-whelming amount of memo's that gothrough his office each day. It takes an incredibly sick mind to claim that there are more important things than the rape of children. He was likely busy doing other important things,like condemning gay people or polishing the gold embroidery on hisclothing. Joseph Ratzinger received roughly 700-1100 memo's a year, so,two or three things a day he must read and attend to, not an unreasonableworkload. Could we really believe that he could have possibly not knownthat these travesty's were taking place? One of the few comments he has made on thesystematic raping of children states that "it is a very serious issue inwhich we must deal with by applying the most loving of pastoral care to thesechildren". Unfortunately, he failed to realize that "loving pastoral care" was the issue in the first place.

Fast forward to Joseph Ratzinger when he became theinfallible monster known by the rest of the world as 'The Pope' (but known to me as the man with the fantastic hat). Ratzinger took a trip toUganda, the most AIDs dense area in the entire world, to promote the CatholicChurch's propaganda on how to run a God-fearing life that will get you into Heaven. This included lecturing thousands of suffering Ugandans about how toprevent the spread of AIDs. He told them that abstinence was the best solution, and that next to abstinence is beingfaithful to one partner. He said that the humanization of sex was important indealing with the spread of the virus. Buthow did he recommend implementing the humanization of sex? By telling theUgandans and all of Africa that condoms were absolutely sinful, of course... He claimed that using them was to be considered a desecration of the Catholic Church's doctrineand that God would certainly punish them by sending them straight to hell. He went on to say that because usingcondoms will upset God, he may punish them by giving them AIDs. So usingcondoms actually increased their chances of contracting the AIDsvirus according to the Catholic Church. Implying that you will oust a member of your church for taking scientifically proven preventative measures against the AIDs virus must be one of the most morally corrupt things the Catholic Church has ever done -- and that's a tough list to come out on top of.

Joseph Ratzinger needs to answer for his crimes. We must always take full responsibility for the actions we take, and in the case of Joseph Ratzinger's appeasement of sexual predators, the actions we choose not to take. We can notsimply 'pray away' the wrong doings we have done. Why is the law not doinganything to make Joseph Ratzinger, the current Pope, answer for his crimes?Well, because he is a de facto head of state, which means that he is technically excused fromhaving to answer to local authorities -- assuming you could even find aprosecutor with big enough brass to take on such a case. The political andpublic backlash, if a respected law firm took this case public, would be substantial.

Just to see the Pope sitting in a court room having to admit to hisactions would mean so much to the thousands of people who lead shattered livesdue to the abuses they suffered under the clerics that were supposed to beprotecting them. The rape and maltreatment of children is not a crime that canever be over-looked, it is the single most heinous crime known to humanity andmust be punished with the utmost of severity. The gravity of such a crime cannot be explained, it is just a sick feeling we get inside when we try and discuss it. It seems more evident everyday that morality comes from human beings,not religion. Is the Pope, the man who is said to be the Vicar of Christ hereon earth, not a perfect example of this being true? He must certainlyunderstand the religious texts of Christianity better than any of us -- yet his protecting of child rapists and pedophiles says that they have not guided him in a positive manner.

Arrest the Pope, boycott the organization; stand up for the individuals and their families whose stories have yet to be acknowledged.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

11 Worst Lyrics In Music History

2011-11-15T04:07:00.001-05:00

This is part 1, for part 2, click here!

Sexy Bitch - David Guetta Featuring Akon

"Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe,
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful.
The way that booty movin' I can't take anymore...Damn, yous a sexy bitch"

Well considering the fact that as a rapper your only fucking job in life is to find words and then fucking use them I find it inexcusable that you can't find words to describe a girl respectfully. Asshole.

Who needs words, anyways? Not Akon.

Firework - Katy Perry

"Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag?"

No, I fucking don't.

Who actually ever feels like this?

Invisible - Clay Aiken

"If I was invisible, I could just watch you in your room."

The interesting thing here is that it may be physically impossible to turn invisible but it is certainly not metaphorically impossible; and Clay Aiken is by any pop culture comparison, completely invisible. After releasing this really, really creepy song he swiftly sank back into the realm of irrelevancy from which he came. I couldn't really say with any real certainty what a man like Mr. Aiken is up to these days but I'm an asshole so I'll speculate. He is most likely outside a young girls bedroom window right this very moment filming one of those weird voyeur videos that litter the internet. On days when he isn't committing felonies he reads to children at the local library to keep up his share of arbitrary and self-important public appearances.

Nothing funny to say here; if you see this man around children please call 911 immediately.

Balla Baby - Chingy

"I like them black, white, Puerto Rican or Haitian.
Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian."

Japanese, Chinese or even Asian...[insert joke here]. I don't think I need to elaborate on why this is on the list.

Not pictured: dignity.

Two Words - Kanye West

"I live by two words; Fuck you, pay me!"

Who needs math?

Who's the gay fish?

A Milli - Lil Wayne

"I'm a venereal disease, like a menstrual I bleed."

Here we have Lil Wayne demonstrating not only his excellent rhyming skills, but also his understanding of how to represent himself in the most hardcore, gangsta-esque style possible -- by equating himself to bleeding, diseased vagina's. Now that is something you do not want to mess with.

I see the resemblance now.

Tik Tok - Kesha

"And now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagger,
but we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."

Dear world: 'Swagger' is an ostentatious display of conceit and arrogance. If you still do not understand why swagger is not a good thing to have, having read the definition, then you are already lost, may the universe have mercy on your soul. Secondly, if looking like Mick Jagger is all it takes to hang out with Kesha then she should reconsider her standards - Mick Jagger looks like a poster boy for the 'Faces of Meth' campaign....

"Anybody wanna smoke some crystal?"

Grenade - Bruno Mars

"I'd catch a grenade for ya,
throw my hand on a blade for ya,
I'd jump in front of a train for ya."

Me, the listener, is left to presume that Bruno Mars' love story is taking place in some kind of fucking war-zone where civilians are clearly in constant and life-threatening danger. And if that is not the case then why does Bruno have to go to such extreme lengths to get a date with this girl? Is she that much of a sadist? That is a serious Charles Manson-esque kind of love affair going on. I think this song may actually be a cry for help, perhaps we should put Bruno Mars on suicide watch due to the over whelming amount of self-injurious behaviours this man has.

"I'm the shitty, pop music equivalent of Jack Johnson" - Bruno Mars

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It - Will Smith

"Ciga-cigar straight from Cuba-Cuba,
I just bite it, it's for the look I don't light it."

It's illegal to have Cuban Cigars in America, Will. If you were trying to set a good example for the kids by not smoking you've failed miserably because smuggling illegal commodities into the United States is a felony offence -- just a tidbit worse than the odd puff off a cigar. The Smith family have made some of the worst main stream music ever created, which, considering who they have to compete with, is actually really saying something.

Reaction shot to watching Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair" music video.

Rhythm is a Dancer - Snap!

"I'm as serious as cancer when I say that Rhythm is a dancer."

This song topped the charts all over North America and the UK in the early 90's and even just writing about it gives me shivers because it plays over and over in my head. I really can't stress enough how dumb that line is and how terrible the song itself is. I'm serious guys, serious as cancer.

Why so serious, Snap?

Elevation - U2

"I've got no self-control, been living like a Mole now.
Going down excavation, high and high in the sky.
You make me feel like I can fly, so high, elevation."

The amount of hatred I have for this over-rated and untalented group of hacks is paralleled only by my love for the Youtube video where someone recorded the noises turtles make when fucking. The big reason I hate U2 is this: Bono cuts his charity proceeds completely when not promoting an album. Example: U2's 'How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb' was gearing up to bomb on it's release until Bono made a plea for help for the oppressed and the poor. He started vouching money to 'UNICEF' and 'Make Poverty History' through his own campaign, aptly titled 'ONE Campaign'. I say that it is aptly titled 'ONE Campaign' because only ONE hundred thousand pounds out of the pledged 5.1 million pounds was ever forwarded to the causes he was taking pledges for. Where did the rest of it go? No one knows exactly, but if I had to guess, I'd say it went directly into developing the real-life version of Cyclops' Ruby glasses -- but we'll never know for sure.

However, it is public knowledge that Bono claimed his bullshit charity scams on his taxes (because multi-millionaires need those tax breaks!) because an article by Christian Aid was released in 2008 citing what a massive prick Bono is (look at that, the Christian's did something to benefit society). So, Bono pretends to care about people in need and wham-o, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb skyrockets to Number 1 on the charts and went on to sell over 9 million albums. Incidentally after the tour, the tiny bit of funding he did pass onto the charities was completely cut off. I'm sure we will see more charity work from Bono the next time U2 fucks us in our ears with their watered down version of 'new rock' that will surely dominate the radio waves; immediately preceded by some ass-hat DJ jerking off the humanitarian façade Bono keeps. As far as the lyrics mentioned above: 'got no self control, living like a mole': this is my favourite ever example of a piece of shit lyric -- the kind in which totally extraneous information is thrown together to keep the rhythm of the song. The kind that literally requires no talent to write. On par with the likes of 'Come Together' by The Beatles and every song where Fergie shows off her spelling skills.

"When I'm alone I pretend I'm Cyclops."

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment or head on over to my Twitter page right here: https://twitter.com/#!/ChrispyPaul

MY 11:11 ON THE 11/11/11 WISHLIST!!!!

2011-11-10T21:16:00.001-05:00

The wish I'm going to make at 11:11 tomorrow the 11/11/11 is going to be multi-tiered and all encompassing (minus the, you know, important stuff). I am going to wish for the following:

For whores of the internet to stop making duckface in their pictures.

For male's to stop posting self-taken shirtless profile pictures of themselves on social networking sites.

For women to stop posting entire album's of themselves that they took themselves in their mirrors at home.

For Nickelback to stop producing music, I think they've done enough damage to Canada's reputation
already.

For everyone to wear their poppies over their heart. That is on your LEFT side - just a note to the copious amounts of idiots wearing them on the right side that I've already seen this November.

For Frank Turner to come hang out and drink wine and play guitar with my friends and I. What? It could happen...

For Hogwart's to reveal itself to the Muggle world. Please wizards and witches! Us normal humans could use some magic right now.

For people who drink Starbuck's to stop bragging pretentiously about where they get their coffee from. You know what's REALLY brag-worthy? Just about fucking anything except someone else making your shitty $5 cup of coffee.

For people to look up the definition of the word 'ironic' before using it in a sentence so as to make sure you aren't calling a coincidental situation ironic.

For people to stop taking more than 12 items into the less than 12 item line at their local grocery stores. Seriously...who does that?

For people to turn-off or ignore their fucking cell phones when they're involved in a face to face conversation. You have no idea how terribly unimportant I find your text messages.

For girls this winter to dress appropriately to the weather conditions when going out to a bar. Nothing says 'dirty whore-bag' like a girl in a tank top and mini-skirt standing in line to get into the bar. Then again, maybe that's the label they want to be given. If so, labels aren't the only thing they're hoping to get that night.

For people to take a cab as opposed to drive while drunk. If you can blow money on booze you can then in turn spend it wisely on a simple cab ride.

For people to stand up to child abuse. Looking at you on this one, PennState. (Look it up if you've been living under a rock)

For 8tracks.com to allow me just ONE MORE skip per hour. I swear...just one will suffice.

For people to stop associating their wearing of the 'Affliction' apparel with them being tough. The two ARE NOT related. However! Douche-baggery and Affliction t-shirts are, in fact, related in case you were wondering.

For the US-based political group known as 'Tea-baggers' to change their bloody name! Every time I go to do research via Google I end up on some random pornography website and then end up spending my afternoon masturbating instead of being productive.

For the people on my Facebook feed to STOP posting mellow dramatic song lyrics as their updates every time they're in a relationship dilemma. You know where a good place to vent your relationship issues are? Your friends or parents or diary or whatever over coffee or tea or copious amounts of alcohol - like the rest of us.

For people to stop sending me angry messages before they remove me from Facebook! If I have to deal with one more person's testimonial to my wrong-doings and ''extremely offensive'' posts that will supposedly ''inevitably lead me into hell'' I just might off myself and get there a little quicker. It does in fact take longer for you to write that message than to just remove me and I can assure you I am already aware my posts are offensive! They're meant to be that way, it's called sense of humour and social awareness combining into this word known as 'satire'. Look it up if you have an issue, then go drink something toxic rather than assume I care about your shitty opinions of what I write.

For someone to please explain to me how Dubstep artists were able to find and then record the sounds of Transformers having dirty butt-sex to produce their tracks.

Last but not least my wish for 11:11 on 11/11/11 is for people to stop defining themselves by arbitrary means. You know... the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the movies you like, the type of home you live in, the type of friends you keep, the type of phone you have - those things. Want to know what defines you? How you treat other people. Remember that next time you yell at the kid behind the counter or take your anger out on your spouse or decide that because you lead a miserable and shitty life that everyone else should around you as well. My wish is that the next time you want to be a jackass you'll shut the fuck up and go masturbate to the bestiality porn we all know you're into. (Not that I'm knocking bestiality porn, here.)

Seriously though! New Rule: be a nice person or I will verbally smack the fuck out of you. I encourage each of you to do the same as well! See someone belittling someone for no reason? Being a pretentious or self-righteous little bitch to other people just to make themselves feel bigger? Yeah, fuck that and fuck them. My wish is that each and everyone of you start calling people out on their bullshit - it's for the benefit of society!

My Dad's Tougher Than Yours! (No, Really!)

2011-11-09T21:01:00.000-05:00

This is not a story about guns. This is not a story focused around hunting, or deer, it is just how the story begins. This is however very much a story of survival, determination, medical miracles and above all else - human willpower. This is the story of how I had less than a 5% chance of growing up with a father. This is the story about the time a hunting accident nearly stole a human life. This is Mike Martin's story.

If you grew up in the western world the chances are pretty good that you've seen a gun fire. Maybe on television or movies, maybe in person; odds are you've even experienced the firing of a weapon first hand. Now there are several different types of guns; pistols, rifles, shotguns, machine guns, sub-machine guns. Inside of those broad categories are the nearly limitless sub-categories, as limitless as the human minds capacity for destruction. Most importantly though you need to understand a shotgun. To start you need to understand that a Shotgun fires several different types of projectiles which are typically measured by Gauges, hence the name "12 gauge" shotgun. The most common shells used locally are Buckshot (a "shell" casing that contains several hunks of round led. Imagine a bunch of 'bullets' the size of the tip of your pinky finger all exploding out the end of the barrel at once, as opposed to a standard bullet that only fires one projectile at a time.) Buckshot or "buck" is measured in gauges with smaller numbers indicating larger projectiles and vice-versa. 00 is the one you need to know for this story. It fires 9 chunks of led, all of which individually hold the ability to kill a deer - a creature far more durable than any human being. The process in which you hunt deer is as follows: To kill a deer with a shotgun you get a group of people together (a hunting party) and you 'push' through a bush. Pushing a bush is when you walk in a line spread out evenly and parallel to one another from one end of the bush to the other. The goal is to scare the deer into the open and then you shoot them if they are in your firing arc (the firing arc is the area directly in front of you, so that you are never firing towards another person). Now that that is cleared up, the story begins...

On November 7th, around 2:30pm Mike Martin was sitting at a friends eating lunch with his hunting party. It was the second day of the 1988 shotgun season for deer hunting and the group of friends were more than eager to snag some deer. It just so happened they were in luck - two fair sized deer sprinted past them while they were enjoying lunch on a picnic table in the backyard. So immediately the group grabbed their gear, which consisted of loaded shotguns and orange vests (for safety reasons), and followed after the deer.

The hunting party formed into their line to push the bush and headed east. Mike was used to walking on the outside of the group of hunters but decided to switch to an inside position which means exactly what it sounds like - he was much closer to the middle of the group. He thought maybe there he would have a better chance of seeing a deer.

After walking the first bush in pursuit of the deer they had just seen minutes earlier they came to a road intersecting the two sections of bush. As the group were crossing the road another group of hunters emerged from the bush opposite. They had just pushed the bush from east to west, the opposite direction of Mike's hunting party. The two groups agreed that they would not shoot because the second group was still awaiting the arrival of two members who had lagged slightly behind in the bush which was indicative of irresponsible hunters. It was only moments later that they decided both groups would continue on once the second group was at its full capacity. But the events did not unfold exactly as planned because just then the word "deer!" was yelled loudly from somewhere within the bush to the east.

A deer walked out into the clearing and crossed in front of a female member of Mike's hunting party. It was towards the outside of the group. The female member of Mike's hunting party had the clear shot and had raised her shotgun; butt of the weapon to shoulder, eyes down behind the sights and the bulk of the weapon pointing length-ways across her chest, level with her heart, prepared to take the shot. The shooting rang out as could have been expected, but what happened next was certainly not expected.

"I remember 4 or 5 shots sounding off," says Mike. "The next thing I knew I was laying on the ground looking straight up," he continued. He recounts that he felt no pain but was certainly confused as to what he was doing laying on the ground. He could hear the female member of his hunting party screaming out incoherently. He feared she had been shot.

"She's been shot!" Echoed voices from both hunting parties. One of the 9 chunks of led fired from the buckshot shell from one of the two hunters remaining in the bush to the east had flown into her right hand. That was the hand that was holding her shotgun securely across her chest and thankfully it was or the piece of led would have entered her heart and surely killed her had it not lodged into her hand. Naturally her cries of pain monopolized the attention of every single person there and they all went running over to see - someone had just been shot after all!

Mike continued to lay on spot for a few minutes, unable to yell out. He was confused, in no pain, and unable to move. He lifted his head and what he saw was not reassuring - blood, and a lot of it. It was more blood that he had ever seen. So much so that he could see his precious blood leaving his body quite rapidly. The realization of what had happened dawned on him with the utmost horror - he had been shot. Mike was a seasoned hunter by this point in life and he knew full well that a shot to the neck meant certain death. "If I tag an animal in the neck it was going to be my dinner that night, that's just the way it works. I knew what was going to happen next," he recalls.

He knew that no one knew he was down, they were pre-occupied with another injured hunter. He closed his eyes and prayed to God that his two sons, aged 1 and 3 at that time, would be taken care of. That his then wife Barb would understand what happened and be able to one day explain to his children what had happened. "I wasn't scared, I wasn't in pain. I was coherent, ready to die," Recounts Mike. He kept his eyes closed and decided to wait for death like only someone with extensive knowledge of a shotguns stopping power possibly could.

An uncertain amount of time passed when the voice of a fellow member from his hunting party happened by and broke Mike's silence. "WHAT IN THE FUCK?" The man said. It was enough of a shock to force Mike's eyes open. "Did you shoot yourself?!" the man asked. Mike put all of his strength into his response "no, I don't know who shot me." He could barely bring his voice to a whisper and whether the man from his hunting party could fully comprehend his response did not matter. He sprung into action the best he could while Mike laid there believing that these were his final moments.

"Should I put pressure on the wound?" The man asked. The first pain Mike felt was the pinch-like pain from the man pressing so hard on his neck. "It felt as if I was being choked because he was pressing so hard. He was definitely scared, I could see it in the look on his eyes," Mike recalls. Mike's anxiety started to rise quite rapidly as the man took his hands off of his neck periodically and Mike realized they were completely covered in blood - his own blood.

The man yelled and soon there were at least ten people standing around him; minus the injured hunter and her husband who had just left "at light speed" on their way to the hospital. The next issue then was that all of these people had zero first aid experience or training.

The remaining men were scared to move Mike in case they caused more damage. They started debating whether or not to go and get another vehicle or wait for the ambulance to take him to the hospital (the ambulance hadn't been called because in 1988 they were not carrying cell phones). Mike, who was in the most unnatural calm given the circumstances of him currently bleeding to death, reminded the other hunters that given the amount of blood he had already lost he would certainly die if they didn't get him somewhere quick. Realizing that the men around him were flabbergasted and he was calm, he gave them directions to gather around him and lift him into the truck while keeping his neck straight. It's funny how the man with the most to worry about was the most level headed.

They strapped him into the truck and the first semblance of injury-related pain began; a significant burning sensation in his neck. He remembers making it to the Drayton clinic within minutes. The doctor came out to examine him in the seat and Mike remembers feeling the doctor's fingers enter his neck and subtly feel the wound. What an unimaginable feeling that must have been. The doctor told him there was no exit wound - the chunk of led was still inside of his neck somewhere and that was not a good thing. The doctor left immediately to call an ambulance to take his new patient to Palmerston General which had a helipad which would in turn be used to airlift Mike to London University Teaching Hospital.

Mike says that he remembers sitting there, unattended except for his friend, looking down at his orange hunting vest. So he looked down and realized he could move his left arm, albeit not feel it whatsoever. So he clumsily reached with his left arm into his right coat pocket and pulled out his lighter and pack of cigarettes and sparked up a smoke. Makes sense, right? Naturally if you were bleeding to death from a massive piece of led that had been fired at a speed of no less than 1100 feet per second into your neck you would want to enjoy a cigarette...naturally. When the doctor returned a short while later he was not impressed to see a man gushing blood from his neck and blowing smoke from his mouth. So unimpressed actually that he ripped the cigarette out of Mike's mouth. Mike remembers the doctor uttering some colourful and choice words while they waited for the ambulance to arrive.

From the shot being fired to the ambulance arriving to Mike being placed in the helicopter the total time elapsed was approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes. The helicopter should have brought good news to a man convinced he was going to die but it did not. That was when the burning pain in his neck turned from a small fire to an inferno-like nerve pain that engulfed him from his chest up to his face and included both his arms. The pain could not be felt below the middle of his chest however and at that point that did not mean much to Mike except a slightly less amount of pain to deal with. Spinal cord injury was not a thought that crossed his surprisingly conscious mind.

When Mike arrived at the London hospital he remembers tests. Endless amounts of them. X-rays specifically, the doctor's needed to understand the exact trajectory that the bullet (which had taken at least two discernible turns inside the neck) traveled and eventually ended up inside the spine. The bullet fragmented slightly, the muscle tissue and the esophagus peeled 6 tiny fragments of the bullet off as it made it's way to it's eventual destination - the spine. The bullet, which had entered the left side of the neck, missed the corrotid artery by a fraction of a millimetre and hit the spine at the C7 vertebrae, the bullet went in against the spinal cord, crushed it and then traveled slightly upwards where it stopped in the C6 vertebrae. Spinal cord injuries are typically from severe trauma via car accidents or force trauma like a fall, the spine shifts and the bones slice the spinal cord completely. This wound was something altogether different. The doctor described it as taking 10,000 telephone wires and squishing them together to a fraction of their intended size, and then twisting them. Some signals get crossed, some are broken and mixed while some never make it through to the places the brain attempts to send them.

For the next several hours (4:30pm until 10:15pm, approx.) there were an array of tests and procedures performed to determine the best course of action. Meanwhile the pain was mounting to levels that could only be described as unimaginable. Every part of Mike's body (that he could feel) felt as if it were going to explode with a pulsing nerve pain because of the shock to the nervous system. As much as he asked for pain medicine the doctor would not give it to him. It was later explained that the only thing keeping him alive was the intense pain and any attempts to extinguish the pain would have certainly extinguished his life as well. Unfortunately at the time that knowledge was not available to Mike who was in excruciating pain, so the doctor received the full brunt of his colourful vocabulary (and for anyone who knows my father, you do not want to find yourself on the receiving end of his extensive verbal communication skills).

Around 8:30pm the doctor had a meeting with Mike's father and then-wife (Barb) where he informed them that he currently had approximately a 5% chance of making it to the operating table. Once they begin the operation the chances drop off almost completely. The doctor told them that they should prepare themselves for the worst case scenario - his death. It was explained that even if he did survive his life would change dramatically; for one thing, he was going to be paralyzed from the waist down. The doctor explained that finding the several pieces of fragmented bullet would prove difficult, but not nearly as difficult as removing the chunk of led from his spine without instantly killing him from further shock and trauma - the body can only handle so much. At this point the doctor had just told a man's father and wife that he was going to die shortly and to be prepared for it when the news reaches them. Those were the odds.

The surgery went on for hours, from around 10:30pm until 4:45am. The doctor removed every single piece of led, including the remaining bullet inside the spine itself. Mike survived the operation although no one was quite sure how given the circumstances. When he awoke around noon he found several IV tubes attached to each arm, a feeding tube inserted through his nose and the pain was actually much, much worse than before the operation. Pain on that level will cause someone to lose consciousness, or at the very least to fade between coherent thought and complete loss of focus. The next four days were just sets of four hour time periods; the time when he could quell the pain by the nurses administering more morphine. He was still very close to death and the pain was severe, but the positive effects of the morphine only lasted two hours. So for two hours he would rest peacefully and then for the next two sit as patiently as possible while suffering agonizing pain and awaiting his next moment of relief. That was all he knew. Trying to make it through - every second alive adding to the total chances of his survival.

After four more days the doctor began to lift his legs and ask if he could feel anything - he couldn't. The doctor then explained that being paralyzed was the likely outcome. Up until that point the full impact of what a spinal cord injury meant had not sunk into Mike's mind. As an avid fisherman and hunter, a hard working man with a full time job, a wife and two young children at home, the idea of not having use of his legs was as much of a shock as being shot in the first place. The thought of being in a wheelchair was unfathomable. Surviving with less than a 5% chance to where he was now was not enough to give him hope, the despair inevitably was taking hold. Each day the doctor would come in and lift both legs and tell him to concentrate as hard as he could on moving muscles in his leg but it was not looking good. After six days the doctor felt a small twitch. It wasn't enough to be discerned as controlled muscle movement but the doctor's eyes lit up nonetheless.

An ounce of hope was all it took. After 7 days he was downgraded from intensive care to a 1-on-1 care ward. Each day the doctor lifted his legs and the twitch became more frequent. After 9 days more he was moved into a private room and despite not having any feeling in his legs he continued to move the same muscle just a small amount each day - some type of signal was getting through. The doctor couldn't be sure whether or not the signals would improve, or whether or not they were enough to let Mike walk again; but seeing as he had already survived against all odds and his condition was stabilizing rapidly it was worth a shot. The thought of not walking was motivation enough to keep trying.

He was moved into Parkwood Hospital to begin physical therapy. The first few days he rested in his bed while the doctors did their best to figure out a strategy for his recovery process. After approximately 4 days, it was finally time to begin. Mike was nervous but determined. It was explained that this process would start his life over just as if he had become a baby again. Everything from moving his wrists, fingers and lifting his arms, grasping objects, to turning his body left and right, it all had to be relearned by his muscles. They were unsure whether or not he was going to be able to recover fully and because of muscle atrophy which was accelerated by spinal cord shock (which can last for the rest of a person's life after suffering spine trauma) the situation held few positives. As well they were unsure as to whether or not the spine had been damaged beyond the point of walking. In 1988 there was very little known about the inter-workings of the spine. In fact the damage was so severe that he had a 'sitting up' exercise. Sitting up made Mike dizzy to the point of passing out if he didn't lay back down. Could you imagine being that incapacitated? That you couldn't sit up when you saw fit to? Well he didn't have to imagine it, he was living it every minute of everyday. He wanted to go and see his family in his own home, away from the hospital, even if just for an over night stay. But until he could sit upright for at least eight straight hours it wasn't an option.

Each day he went through the motions, sitting upright as long as possible, being held up so that pressure was forced on his leg and hip muscles - the more tension on them the faster the muscles would reactivate was the idea. He truly felt that his life depended on regaining his ability to not just feel his legs, but to use them to walk again. So everyday he pushed harder than he ever thought possible despite the immense pain that resulted. When the physio-therapists took him back up to his room after each lengthy day he was strictly ordered to sleep, or at the very least, rest. But he was not finished his day then, merely biding his time until everyone was asleep. When the ward was fast asleep and quiet he would pull himself out of his bed, across the floor, and into his wheelchair. Then he would quietly sneak out of his room (which was strictly against the doctors rules for him as well as strictly against hospital policy) and wheel down the empty hallway into the meeting room. It was a round room with a bar about waist height that ran the perimeter of the room in front of the windows. Therein was the target - the decorative bar in front of the windows at the edges of the room. He would wheel over to the window and pull himself up with his arms and lean against the wall while using the bar to prop himself up. He would then apply pressure to his legs, almost as if he was standing. He could feel the strength returning. Not much, but he was beginning to feel the muscles moving when he told them to.

And so every day he followed the instructions of the physio-therapists and each night he patiently awaited being the only one awake so that he could break out of his room and continue the treatment of his own accord. He was caught a few times by the night-shift nurses and was given ample amounts of punishment for disobeying doctors orders; but as far as he was concerned the rule book had been thrown out when the bullet entered his neck.

Four months of physical therapy had paid off however. He was at the point where he could stand with the help of the parallel bars and was granted a walker to bring back up to his room. He was getting close to completely defying the odds and he was turning heads. He had mixed feelings about his new-found abilities to walk with assistance because the other people in his ward were completely paralyzed, some from the neck down. The day after he was given a walker he expected to feel nothing short of elation but having the other heads in the ward turn when he stood up of his own accord brought nothing but feelings of guilt. He then decided that he would wheelchair himself to a different wing of the hospital to practice walking with his walker. Of course they had lost their ability to walk but with complete separation of the spinal cord they also suffered no physical pain - not to say the emotional pain wasn't severe. Mike's physical pain was vicious and chronic. It never ceased, not even for a minute. He may have been regaining his ability to walk but it was paid for through his immense physical pain. The pain was not enough to stop him though. He was determined to walk out of the front doors of the hospital - a promise he made to himself and he was unwavering in his conviction to see it through to fruition.

He was at the point of walking with assistance of cane and railing. It was time to be discharged. The official hospital rules stated that no patient will leave on the day of their discharge unless taken out in a wheelchair to a waiting vehicle, mostly for insurance purposes. By this time the staff knew Mike very well because you form bonds when you live with people for over 4 months. They knew him well enough to know that unless they wanted to fight a losing battle they may as well not even try to enforce his leaving via a wheelchair. That day, after surviving a gunshot wound to his neck, after surviving a surgery that predicted certain death, after surviving weeks in intensive care, after teaching himself how to walk despite being told he would certainly be paralyzed; Mike walked out of the hospital with a cane in one hand and his wife's hand in his other. It was the first truly bright day in months.

His struggles were far from over however. Spinal trauma causes Nervous System Shock which sends the nervous system into over-drive and the fact that the signals were not sending the way they were meant to be sending just increased the issues. Chronic pain, muscle spasms, not being able to sit for too long and conversely not being able to stay standing for too long, not being able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time; these are the daily struggles of a person with such a severe injury.

Mike copes everyday with the pain and injuries he sustained. He had to teach himself to become left-handed because his right hand functions at minimal capacity. He has to walk with a limp and deal with displaced pain because of the crushed spinal cord. But he does not complain, he does not grow bitter as he reaches his 53rd year, he doesn't ask why that tragedy happened to him. Instead he wakes up every morning and ignores the pain while keeping a positive attitude. He keeps his life long hobbies of hunting and fishing and has never missed a season for deer. Since the accident he uses crossbow only when hunting deer, a much more sophisticated weapon that is leagues safer to hunt with.

When ordinary people are put into extraordinary situations they sometimes do things that were once thought impossible. Mike's story is a perfect example of doing the impossible. With an incredible team of medical staff (that Mike's entire family is grateful for everyday) and pure human willpower and sheer determination backing him, he beat the odds. Because of his survival and his incredible recovery the doctors were forced to re-evaluate the limitations of the human nervous system. His story is still used in teaching hospitals to this very day.

To the doctor's he is a medical miracle, to his friends he is the luckiest man alive, to people who hear his story he is an inspiration. However, to his family he is just that - family. A brother, a son, and a father - and we are all very grateful that he stayed with us.